Totally not soap related, sort of

[tammy sue starks]

My husband has been really, really sick as he is an alcoholic and busy drinking himself to death. Doc says he needs more protein so for the last week I have been making meals for him and protein shakes ( the good kind, ice cream, raw eggs, muscle milk, and milk) in the morning. He swells really bad and has a lot of confusion. So of course to keep my mind off of how sick he is I clean, soap, make masks, work with the animals, basically do anything to keep my mind off how sick he is. This isn't the first time this has happened either. This morning, after 2 days of no swelling and some lucidity he comes up with lets fool around. LET'S FOOL AROUND? SERIOUSLY? I have been working my butt off, cooking cleaning, trying to convince you to stop killing yourself and you want to fool around? Is anyone else married to an idiot like this? Sorry folks, had to vent to someone because at this point I'm crying and he is sitting in the sun listening to music.

 

[dibbles]

Tammy Sue, I'm really sorry

 

[cmzaha]

I am so sorry. I wish I had answers but do not. My youngest also goes through that at times with her husband and he comes up with the same question. Her answer is, "are you kidding me"? With the resulting answer of NO... Hers gets extremely ill. Vent all you want, sometimes it is all you can do.

I have a daughter that is an alcoholic, while she may not be quite as bad as your hubby she will be there soon. It is such an insidious disease and it is a disease. Even when the person affected recognizes the problem they cannot always beat it. while my daughter can go 2-3 weeks without it will get her again and then another solid week on incoherent drinking and she has a 6 yr old and was arrested at the beginning of the year. That has not done it either.

People can tell you to do this and that but guess what, unless you live with the person you cannot judge or make the decisions or know the right answers. This has been my daughter's demon since she was a teenager and you can believe we tried everything. I have prayed everyday of her life since then with no great help. Sadly it has escalated and her husband is part of the source. Don't say it.....

 

[rdc1978]

My husband has been really, really sick as he is an alcoholic and busy drinking himself to death. Doc says he needs more protein so for the last week I have been making meals for him and protein shakes ( the good kind, ice cream, raw eggs, muscle milk, and milk) in the morning. He swells really bad and has a lot of confusion. So of course to keep my mind off of how sick he is I clean, soap, make masks, work with the animals, basically do anything to keep my mind off how sick he is. This isn't the first time this has happened either. This morning, after 2 days of no swelling and some lucidity he comes up with lets fool around. LET'S FOOL AROUND? SERIOUSLY? I have been working my butt off, cooking cleaning, trying to convince you to stop killing yourself and you want to fool around? Is anyone else married to an idiot like this? Sorry folks, had to vent to someone because at this point I'm crying and he is sitting in the sun listening to music.

I am so sorry for what you're going through. You're amazing for keeping your sanity and that is all I can say about that. Besides that you're a good wife to make all these special foods for him. Oh, and also you should vent whenever.

 

[tammy sue starks]

I appreciate that. I'm not usually in pity party mode. Sorry about that

 

[tammy sue starks]

I am so sorry. I wish I had answers but do not. My youngest also goes through that at times with her husband and he comes up with the same question. Her answer is, "are you kidding me"? With the resulting answer of NO... Hers gets extremely ill. Vent all you want, sometimes it is all you can do.

I have a daughter that is an alcoholic, while she may not be quite as bad as your hubby she will be there soon. It is such an insidious disease and it is a disease. Even when the person affected recognizes the problem they cannot always beat it. while my daughter can go 2-3 weeks without it will get her again and then another solid week on incoherent drinking and she has a 6 yr old and was arrested at the beginning of the year. That has not done it either.

People can tell you to do this and that but guess what, unless you live with the person you cannot judge or make the decisions or know the right answers. This has been my daughter's demon since she was a teenager and you can believe we tried everything. I have prayed everyday of her life since then with no great help. Sadly it has escalated and her husband is part of the source. Don't say it.....

So you have quite a load as well. I'm sorry. It is hard to understand how they cannot understand. I get the ones that see what they are doing but can't quit but I have shown him videos of how he gets. He says it is from the one time he took paxil

 

[rdc1978]

I appreciate that. I'm not usually in pity party mode. Sorry about that

I don't think you are. I cannot begin to imagine what you're going through, and good on you for sticking it out at all.

As someone else said, it doesn't sound like there is an easy answer....especially at this point, so I'm glad you can vent.

 

[tammy sue starks]

I don't think you are. I cannot begin to imagine what you're going through, and good on you for sticking it out at all.

As someone else said, it doesn't sound like there is an easy answer....especially at this point, so I'm glad you can vent.

thank you

 

[cmzaha]

You are not on a pity party. I agree with rdc sometimes you just need to vent. I have never mentioned this about my daughter before. I give you all the credit in the world for sticking it out. Walking out is easy sticking by the person in deep trouble is not. That takes a special person.

 

[rdc1978]

thank you

I mean, venting to us has to be better than venting to barnyard animals, amirite?

 

[Hinata]

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Someone as sweet and compassionate as you deserves only the best. We are always here if you need anything. I am sorry to pry, but when you say he has a lot of confusion, are you referring to his baseline? or only after drinking?

Confusion and lack of protein (which contributes to the swelling) are actually signs of liver failure. His confusion can be from severe Vit B deficiency (from a poor diet) which can be reversible with the correct supplement OR it can be from elevated ammonia in the bloodstream from the liver being weak. This encephalopathy can also be treated with the appropriate medications. Swelling of the legs can also be a sign of cardiomyopathy (weak heart) which is also induced from alcohol posioning. Has he had a proper medical work-up besides basic labs to find the source of his symptoms? I am sorry to throw all this information at you but in the chance his confusion can be treated with a pill I thought would greatly improve your quality of life.

 

[tammy sue starks]

I mean, venting to us has to be better than venting to barnyard animals, amirite?

Well my horses and chicken and dogs are getting a bit tired of hearing about it

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Someone as sweet and compassionate as you deserves only the best. We are always here if you need anything. I am sorry to pry, but when you say he has a lot of confusion, are you referring to his baseline? or only after drinking?

Confusion and lack of protein (which contributes to the swelling) are actually signs of liver failure. His confusion can be from severe Vit B deficiency (from a poor diet) which can be reversible with the correct supplement OR it can be from elevated ammonia in the bloodstream from the liver being weak. This encephalopathy can also be treated with the appropriate medications. Swelling of the legs can also be a sign of cardiomyopathy (weak heart) which is also induced from alcohol posioning. Has he had a proper medical work-up besides basic labs to find the source of his symptoms? I am sorry to throw all this information at you but in the chance his confusion can be treated with a pill I thought would greatly improve your quality of life.

this is what I know at this point
My husband is a disabled veteran and medically retired police officer of 26 years. He had the position in the military of selecting troops to send out for patrols and seeing the ones he selected come back blown up. As a cop the body count was just as bad but involved women and teenagers and babies. The ptsd is there and bad enough without the alcohol. He used to keep himself in check by talking to me. Now he doesn't talk about anything except just making conversation. He watches tv with his LA fire scanner on at the same time so I know he is trying to block what his mind is trying to process because I soap and sew masks to do the same thing.
January before last he was in the hospital for 8 days out of his mind, tied down for 6 days. He had a high white count, hypercalcimia and was rigid when I found him in january on a floor with no insulation. My girlfriend and her husband dragged him through the snow to the truck to get him to the hospital. During the drive he tried to jump from the truck while my girlfriend had her arms around him from behind. He was manic, delusional and hallucenating (sp). The hospital at the time was positive he was withdrawing from alcohol as they had to come in every half hr to hr on the run with ativan. Upon discharge, my husband says that the family dr said the hospital was wrong. This was a huge clue that he was lying to me because this same family dr has had to wake him up in her office. He has had many elevated white counts since then with confusion. His confusion comes with the edema after several days of drinking more than usual. This confusion is from the time he wakes up to and through the time he wakes up the next day. There are moments of clarity before I lose him again. His speech is mumbly but rapid and often is having complete conversations with himself. Elevated liver enzymes have started to show since this past january.

 

[IslandSoap]

My husband has been really, really sick as he is an alcoholic and busy drinking himself to death. Doc says he needs more protein so for the last week I have been making meals for him and protein shakes ( the good kind, ice cream, raw eggs, muscle milk, and milk) in the morning. He swells really bad and has a lot of confusion. So of course to keep my mind off of how sick he is I clean, soap, make masks, work with the animals, basically do anything to keep my mind off how sick he is. This isn't the first time this has happened either. This morning, after 2 days of no swelling and some lucidity he comes up with lets fool around. LET'S FOOL AROUND? SERIOUSLY? I have been working my butt off, cooking cleaning, trying to convince you to stop killing yourself and you want to fool around? Is anyone else married to an idiot like this? Sorry folks, had to vent to someone because at this point I'm crying and he is sitting in the sun listening to music.

Well... living with an alcoholic isn’t easy. I’m sure your spouse’s liver is shot .. reason for the swelling and confusion. Horrible disease. I had a family member die from it. He was warned by his doctors that if he didn’t quit, he’d die. Supposively he was in rehab.. went through DTs etc.. several times and still couldn’t quit. AA did nothing because he just couldn’t quit. Honestly.. there is a HUGE anxiety component to it .. which is the reason these folks can’t quit. Inability to cope with stress and everyday things... drinking is their way of stopping the anxiety... but drinking causes anxiety when they r not drinking.. so it becomes a vicious circle. These folks need serious psychological and medical help.. but they have to want to do it.. which is hard, because by the point that they become confused.. their thought processes are already askew and they are incapable of making rational decisions. Alcoholics effect the whole family.. their world of chaos becomes the families’ chaos. I’m sure u r aware you are helpless with what he is doing to himself. Since this is his choice.. try to get him to get his affairs in order if he has any moments of clarity. BTW.. he may try to blame you for his problems. Alcoholics have a tendency to blame others instead of taking responsibility for their actions... ignore him if he tries to mentally abuse you. He’s the one with the disease. Since u r living in this insanity, focus on you and taking care of yourself. Hugs.

 

[Susie]

@tammy sue starks Hugs!

It sounds as if he is in full blown liver failure. And denial.

You can't save someone from himself. He must save himself. You know the process. You know they don't want to. Or they do want to, but are unwilling/unable to stick it out.

I know you are trying to help with the shakes and such, but if he doesn't care enough about his own health to at least make his own shakes, then it is just you trying. And that is sad.

Next time he is in a lucid enough condition to want intimacy, talk about funeral arrangements. It might be the last chance you get.

And I know you know this, but you probably need to go to either Al-Anon or a good therapist. You need to get some advice from either a professional or people who are fighting the same battle as you. I know you are also probably going to say you don't have time. But you need to make time. Even if it means leaving him alone for a couple of hours a week.

@cmzaha I am so sorry to hear that! It is a disease. But the issue is whatever underlying chemical imbalance is going on, not the alcohol. She is self-treating with the alcohol. I know you probably know this already.

I am praying for both of you.

My brother self treated bi-polar/depression with a host of alcohol and drugs. I watched him fight that disease from birth. I won't say I know how either of you feel, because I don't. But I have fought much the same feelings of hopelessness/helplessness as both of you, only from a different angle.

You both have my sympathy, empathy, and prayers.

 

[SPowers]

I'm very sorry to hear of your plight... we all have crosses to bear but this one is particularly hard to deal and live with. I guess it's easy to understand why some military/police people resort to drink - it's unimaginable what they must go through and the mind is a complicated thing that just can't be shut off.
My ex was an alcoholic as was his father and 2 brothers and other than the possibility that alcoholism is genetic, I could never figure out the reason. But once addiction of any kind gets hold, it is so hard to overcome.
It's nice to see you have a place to vent here and that everyone has the compassion to let you do so.
Like your husband, it's also one day at a time for you - I hope today is a better day.

 

[Susie]

I'm very sorry to hear of your plight... we all have crosses to bear but this one is particularly hard to deal and live with. I guess it's easy to understand why some military/police people resort to drink - it's unimaginable what they must go through and the mind is a complicated thing that just can't be shut off.
My ex was an alcoholic as was his father and 2 brothers and other than the possibility that alcoholism is genetic, I could never figure out the reason. But once addiction of any kind gets hold, it is so hard to overcome.
It's nice to see you have a place to vent here and that everyone has the compassion to let you do so.
Like your husband, it's also one day at a time for you - I hope today is a better day.

It is definitely either genetic or programmed in by watching the alcoholic parent use alcohol as a coping mechanism, as children of alcoholics are 50% more likely to become alcoholics. It is always a family disease. Not one person in the family is un-impacted by it in some way.

 

[SideDoorSoaps]

I am so sorry, @tammy sue starks, that you are having to go through this. I was with a violent alcoholic/addict and I left him for the safety of our child. He is still struggling with his demons, in and out of treatment, jails and 12-step fellowships. I have been in recovery for nearly 17 years for substance abuse and also bi-polar. It breaks my heart to watch him and see the damage it has cause in my son’s life.

I know many people who are unable to help themselves even though they desperately want to. Those moments of lucidity are clouded by a diseased perspective. It’s like I’m good when I’m taking my meds and then I think, oh, I’m doing great, I don’t need them anymore. There’s something going on in the brain that needs treated. Alcohol/drugs just exacerbated the issues.

I think Al-anon would be a great support system for you, even if he doesn’t want to get help. I know that AA/NA doesn’t jive with everyone. There are other programs to help with sobriety, even Moderation Management. Alcohol is the one drug a person can die from withdrawal.

I hope that you consider getting help for yourself and keep reaching out. (Hugs)

 

[DeeAnna]

I have never had to live with an alcoholic, so I have no idea what that is like especially with the serious health problems you're describing. I'm sorry to hear you are having these troubles.

Don't feel like you're whining or venting by sharing your problems here. You're not. Anyone who contributes to this thread is doing so freely. Maybe some of what we are saying are things that are not useful to you or things you can't take comfort from. That's okay too -- pick and choose what works for you from the messages people share here and gently let the rest go.

When I divorced my first husband, I too felt like I should apologize for leaning on my friends and asking for support. The best thing to do is to remember we ALL have times in our lives when we do this. We wouldn't be human if we didn't need support sometimes. The best repayment is to "pay it forward" someday by lending a sympathetic ear and shoulder when someone else needs help in the future.

For now, take comfort from the group, know you are being heard, and know you are not alone in your troubles.

 

[tammy sue starks]

Well... living with an alcoholic isn’t easy. I’m sure your spouse’s liver is shot .. reason for the swelling and confusion. Horrible disease. I had a family member die from it. He was warned by his doctors that if he didn’t quit, he’d die. Supposively he was in rehab.. went through DTs etc.. several times and still couldn’t quit. AA did nothing because he just couldn’t quit. Honestly.. there is a HUGE anxiety component to it .. which is the reason these folks can’t quit. Inability to cope with stress and everyday things... drinking is their way of stopping the anxiety... but drinking causes anxiety when they r not drinking.. so it becomes a vicious circle. These folks need serious psychological and medical help.. but they have to want to do it.. which is hard, because by the point that they become confused.. their thought processes are already askew and they are incapable of making rational decisions. Alcoholics effect the whole family.. their world of chaos becomes the families’ chaos. I’m sure u r aware you are helpless with what he is doing to himself. Since this is his choice.. try to get him to get his affairs in order if he has any moments of clarity. BTW.. he may try to blame you for his problems. Alcoholics have a tendency to blame others instead of taking responsibility for their actions... ignore him if he tries to mentally abuse you. He’s the one with the disease. Since u r living in this insanity, focus on you and taking care of yourself. ❤ Hugs.

I appreciate that. I didn't know the swelling and confusion was from the liver

 

[tammy sue starks]

@tammy sue starks Hugs!

It sounds as if he is in full blown liver failure. And denial.

You can't save someone from himself. He must save himself. You know the process. You know they don't want to. Or they do want to, but are unwilling/unable to stick it out.

I know you are trying to help with the shakes and such, but if he doesn't care enough about his own health to at least make his own shakes, then it is just you trying. And that is sad.

Next time he is in a lucid enough condition to want intimacy, talk about funeral arrangements. It might be the last chance you get.

And I know you know this, but you probably need to go to either Al-Anon or a good therapist. You need to get some advice from either a professional or people who are fighting the same battle as you. I know you are also probably going to say you don't have time. But you need to make time. Even if it means leaving him alone for a couple of hours a week.

@cmzaha I am so sorry to hear that! It is a disease. But the issue is whatever underlying chemical imbalance is going on, not the alcohol. She is self-treating with the alcohol. I know you probably know this already.

I am praying for both of you.

My brother self treated bi-polar/depression with a host of alcohol and drugs. I watched him fight that disease from birth. I won't say I know how either of you feel, because I don't. But I have fought much the same feelings of hopelessness/helplessness as both of you, only from a different angle.

You both have my sympathy, empathy, and prayers.

we got our affairs in order a few years ago when this all started. What makes me so mad is that the doctors haven't come out and said this with me in the room, even though I am his power of attorney. I sadly know what his funeral arrangements are.