Need advice on etiquette

[MsBien]

Hello, you guys always have such great advice on soaping that I thought I'd see what you think about my latest quandry.

My husband's grandmother just passed away. She lived in Tucson, and we are in Minnesota. He has decided against going to the funeral since we were just there visiting in May, and he will likely be going there to help move his grandfather to a nursing home and pack up their house (so sad...).

Here are my questions:

1. Do you think he should go to the funeral? He doesn't want to, but do you think he'll regret it later? (I'd be staying back because we've got two kids and can't afford to all go.)

2. If he doesn't go as planned I thought I'd send flowers for the funeral. Is that a right move?

3. Is there something else I should be doing?

I don't know what to do in this situation. I'm kind of the "bad guy" in the family because I took him away (I'm sure some of you know how that goes). I want to make sure that I'm doing everything that I should.

Thanks!
Stacie

 

[Guest]

I am so sorry to hear that .
If I were in this situation I would say it is his grandmother and his choice . If he will need to be there for his grandfather later on , I think that is more important . If he said his goodbye when he was there in May , he shouldn't have any regrets , ( if her death was unexpected it may be a different story) his Grandmother will know he is their in spirit .Times are hard for many many people , choices have to made if you can't do it all.
I would send flowers or donate to her favorite charity .
This happened with my aunt who had cervical cancer , we had gone 1200 miles away to see her 2 months before she passed .We couldn't afford to make the trip again , people understood .


Kitn

 

[heyjude]

Stacie,

Have him speak to his Grandfather. If he's on board with your husband waiting (as it seems like he probably would be) then the other family members should accept the decision to come later to help close up the house.

Flowers are nice, but a donation has more impact especially if his grandmother was receiving health or food services of any kind.

Sorry to hear of your loss.

Jude

 

[ewepootoo]

I would rather have root canal surgery than go to the funeral of anyone I knew even remotely but I always make the effort as a sign of respect. Thankfully I come from a very small family with only one relative that is older than me, my mother. Flowers are a good idea and show you care. You only need to do as much as you choose to.

 

[donniej]

If you don't go, I wouldn't say it's because "it's too far" or "we were just out there already". These kinds of reasons might not go over well and if there's any pre-existing family tension then they make a good excuse for fodder. Reasons like not being able to afford the trip or work not letting you go because you just took vacation to see them recently are generally much harder to spin in a negative light.

 

[gekko62]

Funerals/wakes are often as much about reconnecting with family & friends as well as paying respects to the passed.Celebrating life,honouring the person who's no longer there,& commonly sharing grief,& happy memories.I have a large extended family,& we all try to get to funerals.Sometimes circumstances just don't allow for it,& that's always understood. The choice is 100% your hubbies.If he decides not to go,perhaps a great way to honour his Grans passing would be to spend some special time with you,kids(if you have em)& close friends.Do something special together.Take every chance you have to share life with people you care about.

 

[Tabitha]

Have him speak to his Grandfather.

I agree, he should talk it over with grandpa & see what feels appropriate then. I would favor a donation to whatever grandma died of or the local meals on wheels, etc. Again, talk to grandpa.