Current funeral customs?

[lenarenee]

Hi everyone.

I've been affected by 2 deaths this week. One is the father of my employer who's funeral I won't be attending, the other is a former employer (I was their live in child care provider for 12 years and still have active relationships with the adult boys). Because one of the sons has to fly in from Afghanistan, the funeral will be delayed and I don't know if I can attend it.

Sending flowers and cards was always the custom when I was growing up, but over the years that seems to have waned. Both of these men would not have valued the money "wasted" on floral arrangements.

Are there other customs that are appropriate for these situations?

 

[IrishLass]

Are there any charities that you know of that they were involved with? Some folks donate money to the deceased's favorite charity in lieu of flowers.


IrishLass

 

[amd]

Agree with IL. Last week my dad's cousin-in-law passed away. His obit included "in lieu of flowers, the family please asks that you consider a donation to X Charity in his name" and then included the necessary information for the donation. That would be my first go to. Sometimes just a card with written in memories or thoughts of the person are so meaningful too. My grandpa died 36 years ago, and my grandma has a small box of sympathy cards that she has kept because people had taken time to write things in them about Grandpa. One of my favorites to read was "Roger was the straw that stirred the drink. He made everything better just for being there."

 

[dibbles]

A donation to charity is what we usually do. Often the family will request a donation to a specific charity in lieu of flowers. We’ve recently had friends who have lost a parent. One requested donations to Alzheimer’s Assoc. (our friend’s father had Alzheimer’s) and the other to American Diabetes Assoc. (our friend’s mother had diabetes).

 

[shunt2011]

We too have done donations to a charity the family has requested.

 

[lenarenee]

Would you send flowers/donation to an employer's father's funeral - someone you had never met (although met the mother)?

 

[Steve85569]

When a family member passes we usually build something. Picnic table, deck, garage. I know, we just aint quite right.

When a friend or shirt tail relative passes we just go with the flow. Some people want the charity donations, some want the memories and others would just like to see the old friend. I reunited with a lost set of friends when their mother passed and had a remembrance here. That was more than they( and I) had hoped for.

 

[zanzalawi]

those are some beautiful things- i especially love the memory box of cards and building things. we usually plant trees or rose bushes in our family

my sisters father in law passed last month, he'd had some very special blood, some rare antibodies or something, but he had donated blood many many many times, and his blood had been used to save the lives of a number of babies in the seattle area (sometimes he got to meet them later, which was awesome, he loved little babies). anyways, when he died (he planned it), he was requesting no flowers, and the only donations he wanted were of blood to people's local blood banks. what a beautiful gift- the gift of life, but wow- that is an honest-to-goodness blood sacrifice right there. amazing, but it was a pretty bold request.

 

[DeeAnna]

I'm of the opinion that funerals are more for the living than the dead. If your employer is someone you feel close to, then you may indeed want to send a card or other remembrance for his father's funeral.

If he's a person you happen to work for, but you don't feel particularly close to, that's a little different. One should still show respect and support, but it doesn't have to be one-on-one personal. Many employees will sign a group card to give to a fellow employee who has lost a family member. Maybe even pool money together for a donation, if that seems appropriate.

 

[penelopejane]

I have lost many relatives recently including my son and for me just to know other people thought of my loved one enough to send a card with some message on it was very heart warming. I still read through them.

I also liked flowers. My sister has hated lily's, though, since my father's death when they seemed to be a very popular choice (over 30 years ago). She calls them the death lily. So if you are going to send flowers choose happy ones.

Best of all was a plant. Some people got together in a group and sent a tree. That is a lasting memory of the person who died and those who loved them.

Everyone is different though.

 

[lenarenee]

Thanks everyone. The services are now all finished. People still send tons of flowers, one family did ask for charitable donations in lieu of flowers. But here's something I never heard of: people sending cash to the closest family! ???

 

[DeeAnna]

Yes, people give cash around here too -- for much the same reasons that brides do "dollar dances" at their weddings. It's an old custom to help the family pay for funeral expenses. If the family doesn't need the money for funeral expenses, they normally use it for a memorial of some kind -- plant a tree, give to their church or charity, etc.

I usually give cash or check with a note "to be used as the family sees fit" or similar phrase. Some people who give money to the family also declare the money should be given to a specific charity or organization. I think it's rude to put that burden on a grieving family. Just give the money directly to the Fireman's Fund (or whatever) in the family's name and be done with it.

 

[Hendejm]

Our family always brought complete meals including paper plates, cups, utensils, etc. We brought it by the home and left to allow for the family to mourn and process their emotions.

Having lost both my parents in the last 2 years - that tradition was bestowed upon us and it was a godsend to have meals for arriving family, friends, etc without having to worry about it. It meant so much to us to know that my parents friends reached out to help and offer a meal so we didn’t have to cook and clean up dishes!

Sorry for the loss of those you cared about.

 

[DeeAnna]

One thing that's changed over the past few decades here in the rural and small-town midwestern US -- People used to pull over and stop along the road as a funeral procession passed by. It was a way to show respect and also to acknowledge "there, but for the grace of God, go I." People still stop, but not as many do this as in the past.