# Totally not soap related, sort of



## tammy sue starks (May 2, 2020)

My husband has been really, really sick as he is an alcoholic and busy drinking himself to death. Doc says he needs more protein so for the last week I have been making meals for him and protein shakes ( the good kind, ice cream, raw eggs, muscle milk, and milk) in the morning. He swells really bad and has a lot  of confusion. So of course to keep my mind off of how sick he is I clean, soap, make masks, work with the animals, basically do anything to keep my mind off how sick he is. This isn't the first time this has happened either. This morning, after 2 days of no swelling and some lucidity he comes up with lets fool around.  LET'S FOOL AROUND? SERIOUSLY? I have been working my butt off, cooking cleaning, trying to convince you to stop killing yourself and you want to fool around? Is anyone else married to an idiot like this? Sorry folks, had to vent to someone because at this point I'm crying and he is sitting in the sun listening to music.


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## dibbles (May 2, 2020)

Tammy Sue, I'm really sorry


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## cmzaha (May 2, 2020)

I am so sorry. I wish I had answers but do not. My youngest also goes through that at times with her husband and he comes up with the same question. Her answer is, "are you kidding me"? With the resulting answer of NO... Hers gets extremely ill. Vent all you want, sometimes it is all you can do. 

I have a daughter that is an alcoholic, while she may not be quite as bad as your hubby she will be there soon. It is such an insidious disease and it is a disease. Even when the person affected recognizes the problem they cannot always beat it. while my daughter can go 2-3 weeks without it will get her again and then another solid week on incoherent drinking and she has a 6 yr old and was arrested at the beginning of the year. That has not done it either. 

People can tell you to do this and that but guess what, unless you live with the person you cannot judge or make the decisions or know the right answers. This has been my daughter's demon since she was a teenager and you can believe we tried everything. I have prayed everyday of her life since then with no great help. Sadly it has escalated and her husband is part of the source. Don't say it.....


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## rdc1978 (May 2, 2020)

tammy sue starks said:


> My husband has been really, really sick as he is an alcoholic and busy drinking himself to death. Doc says he needs more protein so for the last week I have been making meals for him and protein shakes ( the good kind, ice cream, raw eggs, muscle milk, and milk) in the morning. He swells really bad and has a lot  of confusion. So of course to keep my mind off of how sick he is I clean, soap, make masks, work with the animals, basically do anything to keep my mind off how sick he is. This isn't the first time this has happened either. This morning, after 2 days of no swelling and some lucidity he comes up with lets fool around.  LET'S FOOL AROUND? SERIOUSLY? I have been working my butt off, cooking cleaning, trying to convince you to stop killing yourself and you want to fool around? Is anyone else married to an idiot like this? Sorry folks, had to vent to someone because at this point I'm crying and he is sitting in the sun listening to music.



I am so sorry for what you're going through.  You're amazing for keeping your sanity and that is all I can say about that.  Besides that you're a good wife to make all these special foods for him. Oh, and also you should vent whenever.


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## tammy sue starks (May 2, 2020)

I appreciate that. I'm not usually in pity party mode. Sorry about that


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## tammy sue starks (May 2, 2020)

cmzaha said:


> I am so sorry. I wish I had answers but do not. My youngest also goes through that at times with her husband and he comes up with the same question. Her answer is, "are you kidding me"? With the resulting answer of NO... Hers gets extremely ill. Vent all you want, sometimes it is all you can do.
> 
> I have a daughter that is an alcoholic, while she may not be quite as bad as your hubby she will be there soon. It is such an insidious disease and it is a disease. Even when the person affected recognizes the problem they cannot always beat it. while my daughter can go 2-3 weeks without it will get her again and then another solid week on incoherent drinking and she has a 6 yr old and was arrested at the beginning of the year. That has not done it either.
> 
> People can tell you to do this and that but guess what, unless you live with the person you cannot judge or make the decisions or know the right answers. This has been my daughter's demon since she was a teenager and you can believe we tried everything. I have prayed everyday of her life since then with no great help. Sadly it has escalated and her husband is part of the source. Don't say it.....


So you have quite a load as well. I'm sorry. It is hard to understand how they cannot understand. I get the ones that see what they are doing but can't quit but I have shown him videos of how he gets. He says it is from the one time he took paxil


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## rdc1978 (May 2, 2020)

tammy sue starks said:


> I appreciate that. I'm not usually in pity party mode. Sorry about that



I don't think you are.  I cannot begin to imagine what you're going through, and good on you for sticking it out at all. 

As someone else said, it doesn't sound like there is an easy answer....especially at this point, so I'm glad you can vent.


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## tammy sue starks (May 2, 2020)

rdc1978 said:


> I don't think you are.  I cannot begin to imagine what you're going through, and good on you for sticking it out at all.
> 
> As someone else said, it doesn't sound like there is an easy answer....especially at this point, so I'm glad you can vent.


thank you


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## cmzaha (May 2, 2020)

You are not on a pity party. I agree with rdc sometimes you just need to vent. I have never mentioned this about my daughter before. I give you all the credit in the world for sticking it out. Walking out is easy sticking by the person in deep trouble is not. That takes a special person.


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## rdc1978 (May 2, 2020)

tammy sue starks said:


> thank you



I mean, venting to us has to be better than venting to barnyard animals, amirite?


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## Hinata (May 3, 2020)

I am sorry to hear what you are going through.  Someone as sweet and compassionate as you deserves only the best.  We are always here if you need anything.  I am sorry to pry, but when you say he has a lot of confusion, are you referring to his baseline? or only after drinking?

Confusion and lack of protein (which contributes to the swelling) are actually signs of liver failure.  His confusion can be from severe Vit B deficiency (from a poor diet) which can be reversible with the correct supplement OR it can be from elevated ammonia in the bloodstream from the liver being weak.  This encephalopathy can also be treated with the appropriate medications.  Swelling of the legs can also be a sign of cardiomyopathy (weak heart) which is also induced from alcohol posioning.  Has he had a proper medical work-up besides basic labs to find the source of his symptoms? I am sorry to throw all this information at you but in the chance his confusion can be treated with a pill I thought would greatly improve your quality of life.


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## tammy sue starks (May 3, 2020)

rdc1978 said:


> I mean, venting to us has to be better than venting to barnyard animals, amirite?


Well my horses and chicken and dogs are getting a bit tired of hearing about it


Hinata said:


> I am sorry to hear what you are going through.  Someone as sweet and compassionate as you deserves only the best.  We are always here if you need anything.  I am sorry to pry, but when you say he has a lot of confusion, are you referring to his baseline? or only after drinking?
> 
> Confusion and lack of protein (which contributes to the swelling) are actually signs of liver failure.  His confusion can be from severe Vit B deficiency (from a poor diet) which can be reversible with the correct supplement OR it can be from elevated ammonia in the bloodstream from the liver being weak.  This encephalopathy can also be treated with the appropriate medications.  Swelling of the legs can also be a sign of cardiomyopathy (weak heart) which is also induced from alcohol posioning.  Has he had a proper medical work-up besides basic labs to find the source of his symptoms? I am sorry to throw all this information at you but in the chance his confusion can be treated with a pill I thought would greatly improve your quality of life.


this is what I know at this point
My husband is a disabled veteran and medically retired police officer of 26 years. He had the position in the military of selecting troops to send out for patrols and seeing the ones he selected come back blown up. As a cop the body count was just as bad but involved women and teenagers and babies. The ptsd is there and bad enough without the alcohol. He used to keep himself in check by talking to me. Now he doesn't talk about anything except just making conversation. He watches tv with his LA fire scanner on at the same time so I know he is trying to block what his mind is trying to process because I soap and sew masks to do the same thing.
January before last he was in the hospital for 8 days out of his mind, tied down for 6 days. He had a high white count, hypercalcimia and was rigid when I found him in january on a floor with no insulation. My girlfriend and her husband dragged him through the snow to the truck to get him to the hospital. During the drive he tried to jump from the truck while my girlfriend had her arms around him from behind. He was manic,  delusional and hallucenating (sp). The hospital at the time was positive he was withdrawing from alcohol as they had to come in every half hr to hr on the run with ativan. Upon discharge, my husband says that the family dr said the hospital was wrong. This was a huge clue that he was lying to me because this same family dr has had to wake him up in her office. He has had many elevated white counts since then with confusion. His confusion comes with the edema after several days of drinking more than usual. This confusion is from the time he wakes up to and through the time he wakes up the next day. There are moments of clarity before I lose him again. His speech is mumbly but rapid and often is having complete conversations with himself. Elevated liver enzymes have started to show since this past january.


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## IslandSoap (May 3, 2020)

tammy sue starks said:


> My husband has been really, really sick as he is an alcoholic and busy drinking himself to death. Doc says he needs more protein so for the last week I have been making meals for him and protein shakes ( the good kind, ice cream, raw eggs, muscle milk, and milk) in the morning. He swells really bad and has a lot  of confusion. So of course to keep my mind off of how sick he is I clean, soap, make masks, work with the animals, basically do anything to keep my mind off how sick he is. This isn't the first time this has happened either. This morning, after 2 days of no swelling and some lucidity he comes up with lets fool around.  LET'S FOOL AROUND? SERIOUSLY? I have been working my butt off, cooking cleaning, trying to convince you to stop killing yourself and you want to fool around? Is anyone else married to an idiot like this? Sorry folks, had to vent to someone because at this point I'm crying and he is sitting in the sun listening to music.


Well... living with an alcoholic isn’t easy.  I’m sure your spouse’s liver is shot .. reason for the swelling and confusion.  Horrible disease.  I had a family member die from it.  He was warned by his doctors that if he didn’t quit, he’d die.  Supposively he was in rehab.. went through DTs etc.. several times and still couldn’t quit.  AA did nothing because he just couldn’t quit.  Honestly.. there is a HUGE anxiety component to it .. which is the reason these folks can’t quit. Inability to cope with stress and everyday things... drinking is their way of stopping the anxiety... but drinking causes anxiety when they r not drinking.. so it becomes a vicious circle.  These folks need serious psychological and medical help.. but they have to want to do it.. which is hard, because by the point that they become confused.. their thought processes are already askew and they are incapable of making rational decisions.  Alcoholics effect the whole family.. their world of chaos becomes the families’ chaos.   I’m sure u r aware you are helpless with what he is doing to himself.  Since this is his choice.. try to get him to get his affairs in order if he has any moments of clarity.  BTW.. he may try to blame you for his problems.  Alcoholics have a tendency to blame others instead of taking responsibility for their actions... ignore him if he tries to mentally abuse you.  He’s the one with the disease.  Since u r living in this insanity, focus on you and taking care of yourself.   Hugs.


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## Susie (May 3, 2020)

@tammy sue starks  Hugs!

It sounds as if he is in full blown liver failure.  And denial.  

You can't save someone from himself.  He must save himself.  You know the process. You know they don't want to.  Or they do want to, but are unwilling/unable to stick it out.  

I know you are trying to help with the shakes and such, but if he doesn't care enough about his own health to at least make his own shakes, then it is just you trying.  And that is sad.

Next time he is in a lucid enough condition to want intimacy, talk about funeral arrangements.  It might be the last chance you get. 

And I know you know this, but you probably need to go to either Al-Anon or a good therapist.  You need to get some advice from either a professional or people who are fighting the same battle as you.  I know you are also probably going to say you don't have time.  But you need to make time.  Even if it means leaving him alone for a couple of hours a week.

@cmzaha I am so sorry to hear that!  It is a disease.  But the issue is whatever underlying chemical imbalance is going on, not the alcohol.  She is self-treating with the alcohol.  I know you probably know this already.  

I am praying for both of you.  

My brother self treated bi-polar/depression with a host of alcohol and drugs.  I watched him fight that disease from birth.  I won't say I know how either of you feel, because I don't.  But I have fought much the same feelings of hopelessness/helplessness as both of you, only from a different angle.

You both have my sympathy, empathy, and prayers.


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## SPowers (May 3, 2020)

I'm very sorry to hear of your plight... we all have crosses to bear but this one is particularly hard to deal and live with.  I guess it's easy to understand why some military/police people resort to drink - it's unimaginable what they must go through and the mind is a complicated thing that just can't be shut off.
My ex was an alcoholic as was his father and 2 brothers and other than the possibility that alcoholism is genetic, I could never figure out the reason.  But once addiction of any kind gets hold, it is so hard to overcome.
It's nice to see you have a place to vent here and that everyone has the compassion to let you do so.
Like your husband, it's also one day at a time for you - I hope today is a better day.


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## Susie (May 3, 2020)

SPowers said:


> I'm very sorry to hear of your plight... we all have crosses to bear but this one is particularly hard to deal and live with.  I guess it's easy to understand why some military/police people resort to drink - it's unimaginable what they must go through and the mind is a complicated thing that just can't be shut off.
> My ex was an alcoholic as was his father and 2 brothers and other than the possibility that alcoholism is genetic, I could never figure out the reason.  But once addiction of any kind gets hold, it is so hard to overcome.
> It's nice to see you have a place to vent here and that everyone has the compassion to let you do so.
> Like your husband, it's also one day at a time for you - I hope today is a better day.



It is definitely either genetic or programmed in by watching the alcoholic parent use alcohol as a coping mechanism, as children of alcoholics are 50% more likely to become alcoholics.  It is always a family disease.  Not one person in the family is un-impacted by it in some way.


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## SideDoorSoaps (May 3, 2020)

I am so sorry, @tammy sue starks, that you are having to go through this. I was with a violent alcoholic/addict and I left him for the safety of our child. He is still struggling with his demons, in and out of treatment, jails and 12-step fellowships. I have been in recovery for nearly 17 years for substance abuse and also bi-polar.  It breaks my heart to watch him and see the damage it has cause in my son’s life.

I know many people who are unable to help themselves even though they desperately want to. Those moments of lucidity are clouded by a diseased perspective. It’s like I’m good when I’m taking my meds and then I think, oh, I’m doing great, I don’t need them anymore. There’s something going on in the brain that needs treated. Alcohol/drugs just exacerbated the issues.

I think Al-anon would be a great support system for you, even if he doesn’t want to get help. I know that AA/NA doesn’t jive with everyone. There are other programs to help with sobriety, even Moderation Management. Alcohol is the one drug a person can die from withdrawal.

I hope that you consider getting help for yourself and keep reaching out. (Hugs)


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## DeeAnna (May 3, 2020)

I have never had to live with an alcoholic, so I have no idea what that is like especially with the serious health problems you're describing. I'm sorry to hear you are having these troubles. 

Don't feel like you're whining or venting by sharing your problems here. You're not. Anyone who contributes to this thread is doing so freely. Maybe some of what we are saying are things that are not useful to you or things you can't take comfort from. That's okay too -- pick and choose what works for you from the messages people share here and gently let the rest go. 

When I divorced my first husband, I too felt like I should apologize for leaning on my friends and asking for support. The best thing to do is to remember we ALL have times in our lives when we do this. We wouldn't be human if we didn't need support sometimes. The best repayment is to "pay it forward" someday by lending a sympathetic ear and shoulder when someone else needs help in the future. 

For now, take comfort from the group, know you are being heard, and know you are not alone in your troubles.


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## tammy sue starks (May 3, 2020)

IslandSoap said:


> Well... living with an alcoholic isn’t easy.  I’m sure your spouse’s liver is shot .. reason for the swelling and confusion.  Horrible disease.  I had a family member die from it.  He was warned by his doctors that if he didn’t quit, he’d die.  Supposively he was in rehab.. went through DTs etc.. several times and still couldn’t quit.  AA did nothing because he just couldn’t quit.  Honestly.. there is a HUGE anxiety component to it .. which is the reason these folks can’t quit. Inability to cope with stress and everyday things... drinking is their way of stopping the anxiety... but drinking causes anxiety when they r not drinking.. so it becomes a vicious circle.  These folks need serious psychological and medical help.. but they have to want to do it.. which is hard, because by the point that they become confused.. their thought processes are already askew and they are incapable of making rational decisions.  Alcoholics effect the whole family.. their world of chaos becomes the families’ chaos.   I’m sure u r aware you are helpless with what he is doing to himself.  Since this is his choice.. try to get him to get his affairs in order if he has any moments of clarity.  BTW.. he may try to blame you for his problems.  Alcoholics have a tendency to blame others instead of taking responsibility for their actions... ignore him if he tries to mentally abuse you.  He’s the one with the disease.  Since u r living in this insanity, focus on you and taking care of yourself.  ❤ Hugs.


I appreciate that. I didn't know the swelling and confusion was from the liver


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## tammy sue starks (May 3, 2020)

Susie said:


> @tammy sue starks  Hugs!
> 
> It sounds as if he is in full blown liver failure.  And denial.
> 
> ...


we got our affairs in order a few years ago when this all started. What makes me so mad is that the doctors haven't come out and said this with me in the room, even though I am his power of attorney. I sadly know what his funeral arrangements are.


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## tammy sue starks (May 3, 2020)

SPowers said:


> I'm very sorry to hear of your plight... we all have crosses to bear but this one is particularly hard to deal and live with.  I guess it's easy to understand why some military/police people resort to drink - it's unimaginable what they must go through and the mind is a complicated thing that just can't be shut off.
> My ex was an alcoholic as was his father and 2 brothers and other than the possibility that alcoholism is genetic, I could never figure out the reason.  But once addiction of any kind gets hold, it is so hard to overcome.
> It's nice to see you have a place to vent here and that everyone has the compassion to let you do so.
> Like your husband, it's also one day at a time for you - I hope today is a better day.


2 days with no alcohol and he is crabby, feels sick, and I can only pray he makes another go of it tomorrow


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## tammy sue starks (May 3, 2020)

SideDoorSoaps said:


> I am so sorry, @tammy sue starks, that you are having to go through this. I was with a violent alcoholic/addict and I left him for the safety of our child. He is still struggling with his demons, in and out of treatment, jails and 12-step fellowships. I have been in recovery for nearly 17 years for substance abuse and also bi-polar.  It breaks my heart to watch him and see the damage it has cause in my son’s life.
> 
> I know many people who are unable to help themselves even though they desperately want to. Those moments of lucidity are clouded by a diseased perspective. It’s like I’m good when I’m taking my meds and then I think, oh, I’m doing great, I don’t need them anymore. There’s something going on in the brain that needs treated. Alcohol/drugs just exacerbated the issues.
> 
> ...


I go to counseling weekly because I am also bipolar and have my own PTSD and fairly severe medical history. The biggest part of my counseling is about my husband.  I did try Al Anon, the group I was in was constant griping. It's fine to vent now and again, but honestly it just brought me down further. I'll be ok. I guess I just didn't realize how far along he was


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## tammy sue starks (May 3, 2020)

DeeAnna said:


> I have never had to live with an alcoholic, so I have no idea what that is like especially with the serious health problems you're describing. I'm sorry to hear you are having these troubles.
> 
> Don't feel like you're whining or venting by sharing your problems here. You're not. Anyone who contributes to this thread is doing so freely. Maybe some of what we are saying are things that are not useful to you or things you can't take comfort from. That's okay too -- pick and choose what works for you from the messages people share here and gently let the rest go.
> 
> ...


That was such a sweet thing to say and hear, thank you


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## Hinata (May 3, 2020)

Sorry for the delayed response.  You mentioned delusional thoughts,  manic episodes and rapid speech.  As the other ladies pointed out there appears to be some sort of underlying imbalance that alcohol abuse is covering up.  You mentioned that you have bipolar disorder, and there are difference variants of that as well.  To treat someone with an SSRI is very dangerous if the person actually has bipolar because it increases rates of suicide.  I know you won't be able to convince him to get a proper evaluation and he wouldn't go himself.  However, if he ever attempts to hurt himself or someone else then you can call 911 and they will take him to the hospital.  If someone tried to hurt themselves, they are not considered capable of making their own decisions and the hospital can force his treatment, as you mentioned before he has been restrained for days on a previous hospital admission.  If that scenario happens and you get him in the hospital then psych will be called in and do an evaluation and give him medications to help me be more balanced.  

I know its not the ideal route to choose but I too have been helpless at one point in my life.  I took so much physical abuse.... endured broken bones and even lost my pregnancy.  I had no choice but to call for help.  He may hate you for it.  Others may hate you for it.  But if it is for his own good then sometimes we have to make that call.


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## tammy sue starks (May 4, 2020)

Hinata said:


> Sorry for the delayed response.  You mentioned delusional thoughts,  manic episodes and rapid speech.  As the other ladies pointed out there appears to be some sort of underlying imbalance that alcohol abuse is covering up.  You mentioned that you have bipolar disorder, and there are difference variants of that as well.  To treat someone with an SSRI is very dangerous if the person actually has bipolar because it increases rates of suicide.  I know you won't be able to convince him to get a proper evaluation and he wouldn't go himself.  However, if he ever attempts to hurt himself or someone else then you can call 911 and they will take him to the hospital.  If someone tried to hurt themselves, they are not considered capable of making their own decisions and the hospital can force his treatment, as you mentioned before he has been restrained for days on a previous hospital admission.  If that scenario happens and you get him in the hospital then psych will be called in and do an evaluation and give him medications to help me be more balanced.
> 
> I know its not the ideal route to choose but I too have been helpless at one point in my life.  I took so much physical abuse.... endured broken bones and even lost my pregnancy.  I had no choice but to call for help.  He may hate you for it.  Others may hate you for it.  But if it is for his own good then sometimes we have to make that call.


he is bipolar hence the self medicating. I took his meds and locked them up in a safe. I give them to him every day. I don't believe he is suicidal. I think he has seen so much suicide as a cop and what it does to families that he won't do that. Today is day 3 of no alcohol. Yesterday he was a little shaky and irritable. We'll see how much of a committment to his health he has made


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## IslandSoap (May 4, 2020)

tammy sue starks said:


> he is bipolar hence the self medicating. I took his meds and locked them up in a safe. I give them to him every day. I don't believe he is suicidal. I think he has seen so much suicide as a cop and what it does to families that he won't do that. Today is day 3 of no alcohol. Yesterday he was a little shaky and irritable. We'll see how much of a committment to his health he has made


Has his doctor prescribed Ativan/lorazepam for the shakes? (With him being that bad, sounds like he gets DTs when he abstains.. he really should be admitted medically so they can give him what he needs if he starts having seizures.). I am so sorry for you both.


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## SideDoorSoaps (May 4, 2020)

tammy sue starks said:


> I go to counseling weekly because I am also bipolar and have my own PTSD and fairly severe medical history. The biggest part of my counseling is about my husband.  I did try Al Anon, the group I was in was constant griping. It's fine to vent now and again, but honestly it just brought me down further. I'll be ok. I guess I just didn't realize how far along he was



I can certainly relate to the counseling being mostly about your husband. Mine was for years for my ex. That’s stinks about that al-anon group. I went to a convention awhile back and the people I met were wonderful, working the program and supportive. Not every group is the same for sure.

I’m glad that you were able to reach out here. Have you heard about Natrexone? It’s a drug that helps with cravings. I take a form of it for an eating disorder, having an addictive personality, I find it helpful. I also take Welbutrin for the other stuff. Meds and treatment are so different for people. I do hope you find something that works for him.

every day that an alcoholic doesn’t drink is a win because it is an unnatural state of being sober. It’s so easy to feel defeated when a relapse occurs, but to keep trying. I’ll be thinking of you and your husband and hold you in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Susie (May 4, 2020)

That's good. Yes, the confusion and the swelling is from liver failure. Here is a good article on what is going on, and what you can and will face.  It is written for non-medical people, but if you don't understand something, I am a nurse, and I will be happy to translate:  Hepatic Encephalopathy: Symptoms, Stages, and Outlook

Here is a good article on cirrhosis:  What Is Cirrhosis of the Liver? Symptoms,Treatment, Causes & Stages


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## Nona'sFarm (May 6, 2020)

tammy sue starks said:


> My husband has been really, really sick as he is an alcoholic and busy drinking himself to death. Doc says he needs more protein so for the last week I have been making meals for him and protein shakes ( the good kind, ice cream, raw eggs, muscle milk, and milk) in the morning. He swells really bad and has a lot  of confusion. So of course to keep my mind off of how sick he is I clean, soap, make masks, work with the animals, basically do anything to keep my mind off how sick he is. This isn't the first time this has happened either. This morning, after 2 days of no swelling and some lucidity he comes up with lets fool around.  LET'S FOOL AROUND? SERIOUSLY? I have been working my butt off, cooking cleaning, trying to convince you to stop killing yourself and you want to fool around? Is anyone else married to an idiot like this? Sorry folks, had to vent to someone because at this point I'm crying and he is sitting in the sun listening to music.


My heart goes out to you. Vent anytime. There are so many here with medical backgrounds that it appears you are getting wonderful feedback and perspectives. 
By all means, take care of your health, as you can not take care of anyone else if you are not doing well. My very best regards and stay safe.


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## Garden Gives Me Joy (May 7, 2020)

How blessed your husband is to have such a caring wife. My father's wife ignores my father who is develop Alzheimers. She used him for a comfortable life.

I'm speechless.

[Virtually sitting with you in silence and offering flowers ]


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## Nona'sFarm (May 7, 2020)

All of this brings to mind @KiwiMoose 's quote: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle."


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## KiwiMoose (May 8, 2020)

Nona'sFarm said:


> All of this brings to mind @KiwiMoose 's quote: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle."


I need to take my own advice at times  
Sometimes when you've been through sh*t, you detach somewhat and forget that other people are going through stuff still. @tammy sue starks I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I can only imagine that it must be truly difficult.
With diseases/situations such as this (when you walk around amongst 'normal' folk and they can't see who you are and what you are bearing/enduring because it's not evident to the eye) I know how difficult it can be that your pain is not visible to others so they would show the consideration and kindness that you might need.  I wrote a poem about it some time ago.  It's called "Losing a Limb" because I used to almost 'fantasize' about having something visible so that people could see and understand what I was going through.

*Losing a limb*




Serrated metal saws

through my pale skin

Raw and sudden

Molten ruby spurts agony



*NO!*



My stomach

Screams pain

My ears

Ring horror

My eyes

Burn wretched

My chest

Seethes dread



_NO!_



Blank faces stare

Safety in distance

Avoiding the tarnish

of my terror



_No!_



Some try to help

Wrap my wound

with white cotton

Bind my mouth

to stop the screams

Make the bed

to cushion my curse

Prepare tea

to swallow my grief

Wash the floor

to sterilise the ache



_No._



Yet still gore surges, seeps

stagnates into bitterness



Until time stitches my wound

With memory loss

And antidepressants.


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## Nona'sFarm (May 10, 2020)

KiwiMoose said:


> I need to take my own advice at times
> Sometimes when you've been through sh*t, you detach somewhat and forget that other people are going through stuff still. @tammy sue starks I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I can only imagine that it must be truly difficult.
> With diseases/situations such as this (when you walk around amongst 'normal' folk and they can't see who you are and what you are bearing/enduring because it's not evident to the eye) I know how difficult it can be that your pain is not visible to others so they would show the consideration and kindness that you might need.  I wrote a poem about it some time ago.  It's called "Losing a Limb" because I used to almost 'fantasize' about having something visible so that people could see and understand what I was going through.
> 
> ...


Your poem touched my heart and brought tears, thanks for sharing.


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## Nona'sFarm (May 10, 2020)

@KiwiMoose said "Sometimes when you've been through sh*t, you detach somewhat and forget that other people are going through stuff still."
Yes, but sometimes when you're going through sh*t it's all you can do to hang on to the next day; but if nothing else, my bad days help me appreciate good days even more and have blessed me with more empathy for others.


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## tammy sue starks (May 19, 2020)

IslandSoap said:


> Has his doctor prescribed Ativan/lorazepam for the shakes? (With him being that bad, sounds like he gets DTs when he abstains.. he really should be admitted medically so they can give him what he needs if he starts having seizures.). I am so sorry for you both.


Update, Rick is two weeks with no alcohol! He is doing much better, is awake most of the day. He still has some confusion and odd behavior but he hasn't left the house in two weeks and I have been with him the whole time so I know he isn't drinking. He still can't get to his meds but is working well with me on letting me know how he feels. He does not have Ativan, but I am giving him much smaller doses more often of his diazepam, and he is even down on that.


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## tammy sue starks (May 19, 2020)

Garden Gives Me Joy said:


> How blessed your husband is to have such a caring wife. My father's wife ignores my father who is develop Alzheimers. She used him for a comfortable life.
> 
> I'm speechless.
> 
> [Virtually sitting with you in silence and offering flowers ]


Thanks so much and I'm so sorry for your dad


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## tammy sue starks (May 19, 2020)

Susie said:


> That's good. Yes, the confusion and the swelling is from liver failure. Here is a good article on what is going on, and what you can and will face.  It is written for non-medical people, but if you don't understand something, I am a nurse, and I will be happy to translate:  Hepatic Encephalopathy: Symptoms, Stages, and Outlook
> 
> Here is a good article on cirrhosis:  What Is Cirrhosis of the Liver? Symptoms,Treatment, Causes & Stages


I just have a question about the confusion if you know. Does it ever go away when the drinking stops? The doc has him on two water pills because he is still swelling but no longer in the legs, just the belly. His doctor knows I hit him pretty hard with how he is messing up our lives not to mention his own and he stopped drinking just like that. He wasn't very friendly lol, but is doing so much better. He lost 6 lbs but he is still making odd statements, sort of like A + 4 = truck ( not that exactly but statements that make us all scratch our head)


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## Susie (May 20, 2020)

I don't know how badly his liver is damaged. Most damage is irreversible under these circumstances.  On your husband's next appointment (or if there is a patient portal, use that) ask the doctor.


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