# Why are weddings so expensive? And people crazy!?



## RalphTheMastiff (Mar 18, 2017)

I'm 30, and we got engaged a few months ago.  We are doing things in life little out of order, we own a little home together have a payed off car, the every wonderful ralph the mastiff, life is grand.  We are committed, in love, and have all the ups and downs that go along with it.  Life is good! We are married without the ceremony. 

This wedding thing is CRAZY! I would be happy just doing it behind the barn with close friends and family. Potluck and simple. If i don't talk to you at least once a month, I don't want you at my wedding! I feel it should be people who are in my life and are our support network not every one i'v ever met and everyone who could possible be considered a relative.  

When did Weddings get so out of control and not about the 2 people getting married! The pressure from everyone is outrageous and i find myself keep telling people if you don't like it tough! and upsetting people who don't get it. I have family who i do talk to often on the other side of the country and would be more than happy to set up a web cam, why spend $4000 just to come to my wedding, why do people feel thats ok? 

My wedding should not be the highlight of my life, i want the little moments to be, the feeling we had our first night in our home, our first date, the day i flash boiled bees wax and am still cleaning it up, watching my lovely bride to be use our bran new $20,000 tractor and smash into our shed and the look on her face, canning apples from our trees for the first time and eating them late in the winter with pride.  This is what i want my relationship to be about, I don't want to think back 10 years from now about my wedding day on our anniversary but all the moments that we shared good and bad over the years.  

Am I crazy? Am i thinking about this all wrong?


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## Susie (Mar 18, 2017)

No, you are not wrong.  This is why people elope, and/or get married by a Justice of the Peace with only 5-10 people there (it works best when you call them 20 minutes ahead of the ceremony and tell them to show up or miss it).  I took the second option twice now, and never regretted it.  My parents set a good example, though, and eloped.  A wedding is nothing more than the legal ceremony that starts a new phase of your life.  You and your bride should determine the level of craziness, not the relatives.


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## RalphTheMastiff (Mar 18, 2017)

Susie said:


> No, you are not wrong.  This is why people elope, and/or get married by a Justice of the Peace with only 5-10 people there (it works best when you call them 20 minutes ahead of the ceremony and tell them to show up or miss it).  I took the second option twice now, and never regretted it.  My parents set a good example, though, and eloped.  A wedding is nothing more than the legal ceremony that starts a new phase of your life.  You and your bride should determine the level of craziness, not the relatives.


Eloping sounds better and better every day!


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## navigator9 (Mar 18, 2017)

My girlfriend's daughter got married in their woodsy back yard. The bride and groom were barefoot. The bride carried a bouquet of flowers and ferns that she gathered from the woods. Their dog was the ring bearer. A boom box played their favorite songs while her father walked her down the path. They did spring for a tent in case of rain, and a caterer, cause there were a lot of people. It was such a beautiful and relaxed wedding, with people lingering late into the evening in adirondak chairs on the lawn by a big bonfire. It was my favorite wedding I've ever attended. I know it's not for everyone, but the practical Yankee in me thinks it's crazy to spend tons of money on a wedding when you could put that away for your future, and still have a great wedding!!! So I'm with you, RTM.


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## mx5inpenn (Mar 18, 2017)

I didn't elope, but did go the jp route. My husband and I didn't want the expense or fuss of a big (or even small) wedding and went with tiny. I don't regret it. Neither of us is an in the spotlight type of person and the cost is outrageous. Why "start your life together" in debt? That's in quotes because if marriage is the beginning of the life together, I find it unlikely to be a long life, and I'm not referring to living together, but the little things you were talking about. 

Good luck to you and your bride, I hope your special day ends up being exactly as the two of you want it to be!


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## BattleGnome (Mar 18, 2017)

RalphTheMastiff said:


> Eloping sounds better and better every day!



I tried that (kinda) but my mom refused to let us.

We honestly wanted to go to the court house with our parents, have lunch and be done with it. My mom threw money at us and demanded we use it. I ended up organizing both. The date we wanted (12-12-12) was on a Wednesday, so we got what we wanted and had a few days to ourselves then on the weekend we had the reception and I made it as no fuss as possible by finding an all inclusive venue (with cake and open bar). 

Good luck with wedding prep. It sounds like you've got that important life thing a,ready figure out


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## DeeAnna (Mar 18, 2017)

My first marriage (early 20something) was pretty simple but rather conventional. My second (late 30something) was absolutely grand. I think Chuck (my DH) and I spent all of 20 bucks. It helps when you're old enough to finally tell the rest of the world to go take a flyin' leap at least once in awhile.

We were married in what was going to be the yard by of our soon-to-be house in the country (just a plot of mowed grass at the time.) The "altar" was the bed of a freshly washed pickup with the tailgate down. Chuck's friend Barry, the county magistrate, married us. Two of our friends were witnesses. Wedding music was provided throughout the ceremony by a virtuoso song sparrow. The florist was me -- I picked a quart canning jar full of wild sunflowers and feral daylilies from the nearby woods. The bride and groom wore jeans, cowboy boots, and nice shirts. After the ceremony, we served refreshments off the tailgate -- fresh coffee and light-as-a-cloud doughnuts from the local small-town bakery.

It was perfect.


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## Arthur Dent (Mar 18, 2017)

Yep.  Our wedding cost about $20, nearly 30 years ago now.  We spent money on things that we needed.


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## mx5inpenn (Mar 18, 2017)

DeeAnna said:


> We were married in what was going to be the yard by of our soon-to-be house in the country (just a plot of mowed grass at the time.) The "altar" was the bed of a freshly washed pickup with the tailgate down. Chuck's friend Barry, the county magistrate, married us. Two of our friends were witnesses. Wedding music was provided throughout the ceremony by a virtuoso song sparrow. The florist was me -- I picked a quart canning jar full of wild sunflowers and feral daylilies from the nearby woods. The bride and groom wore jeans, cowboy boots, and nice shirts. After the ceremony, we served refreshments off the tailgate -- fresh coffee and light-as-a-cloud doughnuts from the local small-town bakery.
> 
> It was perfect.



Love this! Mike and I also wore jeans and nice shirts. My mother was appalled, I was "me" and comfortable.


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## toxikon (Mar 18, 2017)

Dude. I hear you. My fiancé and I have been together for 8 years, own a house, a car, a dog... Got engaged last year. We already feel married. We're 28.

We're leaning towards a destination wedding in 2018. The thought of going on vacation for a week with some friends and family sounds pretty good. I have no interest in planning and stressing over a wedding. I'd rather hand some money over to a resort in Mexico and let them do the planning! And all said and done, it'll be cheaper than a traditional wedding anyway.


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## RalphTheMastiff (Mar 18, 2017)

navigator9 said:


> My girlfriend's daughter got married in their woodsy back yard. The bride and groom were barefoot. The bride carried a bouquet of flowers and ferns that she gathered from the woods. Their dog was the ring bearer. A boom box played their favorite songs while her father walked her down the path. They did spring for a tent in case of rain, and a caterer, cause there were a lot of people. It was such a beautiful and relaxed wedding, with people lingering late into the evening in adirondak chairs on the lawn by a big bonfire. It was my favorite wedding I've ever attended. I know it's not for everyone, but the practical Yankee in me thinks it's crazy to spend tons of money on a wedding when you could put that away for your future, and still have a great wedding!!! So I'm with you, RTM.


We have rows of grape vines on our property that back up to a lard flat clearing to the back side of our barn.  Vires of farmers fields in the background and its where the sun sets.  Our property is super beautiful and if we plant a some bushes we could really make if nice but we could have 50 people tops unless we want to bring in a bunch of tents and equipment.  We really could make it work very well but my bride is concerned that it will be to much work on us.  The Lady can take over the top floor of the house and the gentlemen can take over the basement where my soap studio is is and walks out onto a patio with panoramic vies of the mountains.  Guests in the poll barn that will provide shade and wonderful weather wood.  

Save money and do lots of work at home or money up 40K and have it all taken care of.


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## LittleCrazyWolf (Mar 18, 2017)

Add me to the list of people who opted out of a large, costly wedding. DH and I are both uncomfortable being in the spotlight and neither of us wanted a big fuss. We invited out parents and our four closest friends to watch us get married by our town mayor. Afterwards we took everyone out for a very nice lunch.

I look at pictures of my wedding day and wouldn't change a single thing. My favorite picture is of me, DH, and our beautiful son (almost 3 years old at the time)...we were all smiling like crazy and just so happy.

I think people need to do what makes them happy and the only person you need to compromise with is the person you are spending the rest of your life with. Your wedding should be a celebration and confirmation of your love and commitment for each other. Some couples love a big, expensive party and being surrounded by a 100 people, while other people shudder at the thought. 

If planning your wedding is stressing you out or draining your pockets then you and your love should reassess what you really want.


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## RalphTheMastiff (Mar 18, 2017)

mx6inpenn said:


> I didn't elope, but did go the jp route. My husband and I didn't want the expense or fuss of a big (or even small) wedding and went with tiny. I don't regret it. Neither of us is an in the spotlight type of person and the cost is outrageous. Why "start your life together" in debt? That's in quotes because if marriage is the beginning of the life together, I find it unlikely to be a long life, and I'm not referring to living together, but the little things you were talking about.
> 
> Good luck to you and your bride, I hope your special day ends up being exactly as the two of you want it to be!


JP would be just fine for me! one of the complicating things we are up agents is her mother is dyeing, on top of medical problems has a lot of mental problems and is trying to pressure her to have a big wedding before she dies and is making it about her (the mother).  My lovely bride to be is one of 4 girls and at this point the only one getting married in the foreseeable future lol.  So her mother wants it to be everything she has envisioned.  Its a lot of pressure on her.

I have to keep reminding her its about what she wants, if her mom wants a party before she dies great lets have one but thats not our wedding. We also shouldn't rush it because of her mother either. Its about us and what we want not what people around her want. 

I can't even begin to describe how crazy her family but idk maybe everyone feels that about there partners family.


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## RalphTheMastiff (Mar 18, 2017)

DeeAnna said:


> My first marriage (early 20something) was pretty simple but rather conventional. My second (late 30something) was absolutely grand. I think Chuck (my DH) and I spent all of 20 bucks. It helps when you're old enough to finally tell the rest of the world to go take a flyin' leap at least once in awhile.
> 
> We were married in what was going to be the yard by of our soon-to-be house in the country (just a plot of mowed grass at the time.) The "altar" was the bed of a freshly washed pickup with the tailgate down. Chuck's friend Barry, the county magistrate, married us. Two of our friends were witnesses. Wedding music was provided throughout the ceremony by a virtuoso song sparrow. The florist was me -- I picked a quart canning jar full of wild sunflowers and feral daylilies from the nearby woods. The bride and groom wore jeans, cowboy boots, and nice shirts. After the ceremony, we served refreshments off the tailgate -- fresh coffee and light-as-a-cloud doughnuts from the local small-town bakery.
> 
> It was perfect.


See this seems perfect to me! Not what i would have done but clearly was special to you guys! Thats what its all about being together with the people who support you in your life!


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## RalphTheMastiff (Mar 18, 2017)

mx6inpenn said:


> Love this! Mike and I also wore jeans and nice shirts. My mother was appalled, I was "me" and comfortable.


Lol thats what mothers are supposed to be on occasion haha


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## RalphTheMastiff (Mar 18, 2017)

toxikon said:


> Dude. I hear you. My fiancé and I have been together for 8 years, own a house, a car, a dog... Got engaged last year. We already feel married. We're 28.
> 
> We're leaning towards a destination wedding in 2018. The thought of going on vacation for a week with some friends and family sounds pretty good. I have no interest in planning and stressing over a wedding. I'd rather hand some money over to a resort in Mexico and let them do the planning! And all said and done, it'll be cheaper than a traditional wedding anyway.


Absolutely, I'v suggested Vegas, with round trip flights as low as $100 and rooms at older hotels like excaliper or circus circus for as low as $20 a night it would be easy for everyone to afford to go. (that and i could eat at the Peppermill everyday, love dinner food!) You can get really good group rates for shows and banquet spaces are really inexpensive.  Doing a JP wedding before hand and just taking everyone on a vacation sounds better to me.  I think its time for traditions to change in this country and start getting back to basics and what really matters. 

(we ruled it out because we each have some family members who could not fly medically, to bad!) 

I'd rather pay off our tractor than have a big wedding!


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## RalphTheMastiff (Mar 18, 2017)

LittleCrazyWolf said:


> Add me to the list of people who opted out of a large, costly wedding. DH and I are both uncomfortable being in the spotlight and neither of us wanted a big fuss. We invited out parents and our four closest friends to watch us get married by our town mayor. Afterwards we took everyone out for a very nice lunch.
> 
> I look at pictures of my wedding day and wouldn't change a single thing. My favorite picture is of me, DH, and our beautiful son (almost 3 years old at the time)...we were all smiling like crazy and just so happy.
> 
> ...


My better half is like that, hates any attention what so ever, me, I'm fine with it i'm a salesperson to the bone and am used to being at big conventions engaging with people and drawing a crowd.  We could have the wedding at our house and rent out a local restraint on a sunday afternoon i bet.  We live in a small town and some of the places don't open at all on sundays anyways, thats a thought.


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## RalphTheMastiff (Mar 18, 2017)

It's a drag day and everything's covered in snow the view is 10 times better in the summer.


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## dibbles (Mar 18, 2017)

I've been married for 43 years (in May). In the world of weddings, this was a much simpler time, a time when people put flowers in their hair, found an officiant, and went to a park or field with friends and family. Maybe a toast after, maybe a picnic, maybe not. Or, what we did - married in a church in the afternoon, the reception at my parents' house and my Mom made finger sandwiches and punch. The cake was made by a lady who had a small business, my dress was a sample (dress and veil $100). Our families are small, so all were able to be included. If it was an evening wedding the dinner and dance was held at a local VFW. 

My kids both had weddings more in the style of today. It is more expensive than eloping, but it doesn't have to be crazy. There is a wedding industry that is flourishing, for sure. But you don't have to buy into it. You don't have to have a limo, fancy clothing, expensive meals, etc. for a wedding to be lovely. Be creative and make it about what is important to you. I would spend the money for a good photographer, as that is what is ultimately left once
all is said and done. And as a parent, there is something so special about dancing at your child's wedding. 

It sounds like you have your priorities straight. Do what feels right to you, so that the memory of your wedding day is how you want it to be and fits right in with the other memories you cherish. Perfect is different for everyone.


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## cmzaha (Mar 18, 2017)

A wedding in a back yard can be gorgeous and maybe everything her mom would like. It really is nice to give a dying parent something they would like, but then I am like that. What fun it would be to decorate a big barn if you have one and have the wedding there. With lost of little white lights any yard, especially one with a barn could turn into a wonderful fairyland for a princess. Living in a small town you might even be able to find some locals to help with the food. Flowers can be simple vases with local flowers. I would find a tractor mold and make up soaps as favors! Those would be really cute. There are just ways to get things together to make all of you happy, and I am bet mom would love it to. Good luck to the two of you!

My oldest daughter had her wedding in a relatives huge back yard and it was gorgeous. We did most of the decorating ourselves, but I did have a caterer, because I just did not have the time to do the cooking. All in all the biggest expense was my daughter dress 10k although not necessary, she really wanted it so I gave in. It started at 5k but spent as much having it reworked. Without the dress her wedding would have cost around 10K, and would have been a lot less if we had supplied our own food. Her sister was offered 10k cash & the Laughlin River Boat or a church wedding, she went for the cash and Laughlin, purchased a condo then lost the condo during the economic crash. She now wishes she had the larger wedding. Problem with Vegas and Laughlin Weddings, be prepared for soused Justices of the Peace. After 44 yrs I still remember my beautiful church wedding, with a reception in the church hall then party most of the night at each parents house. It was lovely and not hugely expensive, according to my mom. I was so happy I had the church wedding with my dad there to walk me down the isle, and I still look at the pictures. I only saw my daddy a few more times after we were married, he passed away 5 months later. I have always cherished the picture of my Dad and I in front of the Church

Oh my goodness, I just saw your picture, what a fantastical place to have a wedding


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## shunt2011 (Mar 18, 2017)

My husband and I went out of the country.  Told close family and friends when we were getting married and if they wanted to join us they were welcome.  We ended up with 19 of us and had a grand vacation. My husband and I stayed for two weeks. (Dominican Republic). It was the best time ever.  We've been married 17 years now. My first marriage his 3rd. I would dot it again in a heartbeat. No stress or drama.


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## dibbles (Mar 18, 2017)

You are getting a lot of advice and suggestions - which reinforces the idea that you should do what you and your bride to be want. I would really think twice about having my own wedding at my own house though. There is enough to do and stress over with even a simple wedding. Make sure you are both on board 100%. You have a beautiful setting, but if it will cause a lot of stress for either of you, I'd find somewhere else. One thing with outdoor weddings, you can't control the weather.


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## newbie (Mar 18, 2017)

I don't understand the expensive wedding thing either. Many people want that, which is fine, but if it's not your thing the you need to stand your ground. 

I had my wedding in my backyard with only immediate family. It caused plenty of ruffled feathers with aunts, uncles, cousins etc but it seems they all got over it. We had our reception in a park shelter for which I was grateful because when we wrapped it up, a bunch of people weren't done having fun so they went to someone's house and carried on. We were wiped out. If it had been at our house, if would have been very difficult to shoo people out without looking offensive.

It's difficult to manage other people's expectations about YOUR wedding, but it is worth it in the end. It's your life after all!


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## Steve85569 (Mar 18, 2017)

Looks like you have the place. Now just invite those you want. It's your wedding.

We got married in Uncle Joe's back yard. We had just over $100 to spend and came in under budget. Including DW's ring and the rented tux. That was in 1972.
Crowfoot the hound did relieve himself on on someone in the front row during the ceremony though so do try and keep the dog tied up. On the other hand it is a priceless memory.


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## navigator9 (Mar 18, 2017)

RalphTheMastiff said:


> Save money and do lots of work at home or money up 40K and have it all taken care of.



Oh, that looks like a glorious place for a wedding. Have your friends help. It could even be their wedding gift to you. Think of what else you could do with 40K!!! You could have a wedding in a hall that would be just like everyone elses, or you could have memories of a wedding ending with the sunset over those fields. For me, it would be an easy choice.


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## penelopejane (Mar 18, 2017)

You have to be really careful with destination weddings. It might be fairly cheap for 2 to get accommodation in a certain place if you buy your tickets at the right time but if others are buying closer to the date all that changes. 

Friends kids got married in Hawaii and it cost $15,000 for an aunt to bring the family for 5 days. She wanted to not go and just give the money to the couple getting married but they were so upset at them missing it that that aunt had to go. 

Another one had their wedding in Bali.

In both cases the couple had a relatively cheap wedding but the guests didn't.


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## Zany_in_CO (Mar 18, 2017)

Oh gosh! It's ALL about memories! We have 7 kids (combined family) and every wedding was different. Our usual gift was paying for the honeymoon. When the last of the 7 got married, the mother-of-the-groom insisted on paying for just about everything. I was asked to take a back seat, which I did. All I had to do was show up, have a couple of drinks, and enjoy the day. Which I  did. I danced my legs off, laughed a lot, and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Later, my darling daughter said, "Mom, everyone commented on how much fun you were having!" (...and no, I wasn't blotto... just free to be me. KWIM?) 

Any way, the mother-of-the-groom also paid for the honeymoon. It wasn't until we picked them up from the airport on their return that we learned the mother-of-the-groom, and the groom's siblings, and nieces and nephews all went along!!! I laughed so hard when daughter complained about the little niece coming into their room and crawling into bed with them each morning! 

We gave them money in lieu of the honeymoon -- for which they later were enormously greatful. They used it to pay for a road trip that took them to a place where they finally settled... a good distance away from us, and more importantly, away from the mother-of-the-groom.

Then there's #2 son... Mexican wedding where, at the reception, the bride's Grandma punched out Grandpa because he was feeling up a fairly buxom blond. 

#1 daughter had a church reception after the ceremony in the rose garden, with cake, punch, coffee & tea, etc. for the "old folks". She and her bridesmaids made butter mints and other finger foods. Then the old folks went home and the rest of the party changed clothes and headed to the lake. This was in Texas. The groom had stayed up all night bar-b-quing a goat. YUM! His nephew and our 3 sons all "helped" by sitting in the back of his pick up and keeping him awake. This wonderful reception went a long way to bonding the whole family. They've been married 38 years. Every Anniversary they have a bar-b-que and invite all their family and friends to join them. It is SO cool.


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## toxikon (Mar 18, 2017)

penelopejane said:


> You have to be really careful with destination weddings. It might be fairly cheap for 2 to get accommodation in a certain place if you buy your tickets at the right time but if others are buying closer to the date all that changes.
> 
> Friends kids got married in Hawaii and it cost $15,000 for an aunt to bring the family for 5 days. She wanted to not go and just give the money to the couple getting married but they were so upset at them missing it that that aunt had to go.
> 
> ...



We're doing it through a wedding planner so thankfully it'll be pretty straight forward for us. We basically pick the resort and she handles the rest, including booking travel for everyone. They just email or call her to set it up, so we don't even need to field questions from family!

We're looking at Mexico because we love it there. As long as we don't go for a crazy expensive resort, it'll be about 5k for me and my fiancé all said and done, travel, ceremony and resort. For our guests it'll be about 1.5-2k per person. Most people we know can afford it and it's a pretty good price for a week in a Mexican resort. We'll probably have a backyard BBQ when we return for anyone who can't make it.


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## penelopejane (Mar 18, 2017)

toxikon said:


> We're doing it through a wedding planner so thankfully it'll be pretty straight forward for us. We basically pick the resort and she handles the rest, including booking travel for everyone. They just email or call her to set it up, so we don't even need to field questions from family!
> 
> We're looking at Mexico because we love it there. As long as we don't go for a crazy expensive resort, it'll be about 5k for me and my fiancé all said and done, travel, ceremony and resort. For our guests it'll be about 1.5-2k per person. Most people we know can afford it and it's a pretty good price for a week in a Mexican resort. We'll probably have a backyard BBQ when we return for anyone who can't make it.



Yes that's about the price. So for a family of 6 it's $12,000 plus car hire plus food plus clothes etc etc. it sure adds up for guests. Lots of guests are starting to decline. My sons at the age of going to 3-4 weddings a year and it's getting ridiculous.


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## IrishLass (Mar 19, 2017)

navigator9 said:


> Oh, that looks like a glorious place for a wedding. Have your friends help. It could even be their wedding gift to you. Think of what else you could do with 40K!!! You could have a wedding in a hall that would be just like everyone elses, or you could have memories of a wedding ending with the sunset over those fields. For me, it would be an easy choice.


 

Ditto 100%^^^^. Easy choice for me, too. 

It's yours and your bride's day. One of the best wedding gifts you can give to each other is for each of you to put a foot down and don't let others take over and ruin it for you.

Hubby and I took control of our wedding from the get-go and went the budget route. We spent a total of $300 tops, which included hubby making my wedding dress (yes- the man sews!). 

We had a small church wedding with only our closest friends and family in attendance (about 50 total people in all) on the 3rd anniversary of our very first date- a cold Thursday evening in December, which actually turned out to be the coldest night of that year in our town. I make mention of that because when hubby and I were dating, he was always fond of saying that it would be a cold day in hell before he ever got married. Yeah- we joke about that a lot.  

To save money on the reception, we planned the ceremony to take place at night after folks had already eaten dinner in their own homes, so that the reception (which was held in my mom and step-dad's living room) would be like folks just gathering for dessert (our cake), although my mom laid out some finger-foods, too (cold cuts and cheese).

And our 'photographer' was just a good friend who had good 35mm camera and whose hobby was taking photos (she volunteered for the job at no cost). 

All in all, it was a really nice, simple, homey, intimate, stress-free wedding- nothing super-fancy or fussy or mussy, and everyone had a pleasant time. 

Good memories.


IrishLass


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## cmzaha (Mar 19, 2017)

My mom at 91 still regrets she could not have a small wedding. Both times she was married in Vegas. Memories are great to have. My cousin gave her daughter a huge blowout wedding which was not cheap so her daughter could have memories for the short time she was going to live. There are many reasons for weddings and many ways to have a wedding, but the memories are forever. Final line is, it is your wedding so do what will make you happy. Wedding certainly do not make the marriage last or not. I knew a couple who's family was still paying off the wedding bills after the kids divorced in less than a year. It was a huge outrageously expensive Armenian wedding.


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## beardguy (Mar 19, 2017)

My s.o. and I aren't married altough we have a house and children and have been together for the past ten years. We are simple folks and we do not need or want huge fanfare. 

We both know that our families wouldn't understand our want for a small wedding so we chose not to get married at all, so I get where you're coming from. Maybe we'll get married once we are old enough to tell people to stuff it if they're not happy :mrgreen:


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## HowieRoll (Mar 19, 2017)

This thread has turned into a fun collection of wedding stories.

RalphTheMastiff, your place is so beautiful that I'm thinking you should start renting it out for weddings.  That way you would raise money and get all the kinks out for your own wedding.  A two-fer!

Here is what irked me when we planned our wedding:  the minute you uttered the "W" word, a whole new price schematic would emerge from a vendor.  For instance, we did a tremendous amount of due diligence when it came to dessert.  It is, after all, the single most important part of a wedding, right?  As such, we just *had* to go to dozens of bakeries in search of the perfect cake/frosting combination.  The first bakery we walked into we sidled up to the counter and started flipping through an album of decorated cake photos.  Eventually an employee came over to ask if we needed help, and we explained we were looking at wedding cake options.  She said, ohhhhh, well then, this is not the right book (closing and taking away the cake album we'd been looking at), _this_ is the book you need to look at.  And inside were pictures of almost identically decorated cakes... with prices that were all 20-30% higher.

At any rate, like others here, our wedding was a small affair.  Our parents accompanied us to the Daley Center in Chicago where we lived for many years (the city, not the Daley Center), we were married in a judge's chambers upstairs, then we had a 4-course dinner for 19 people in a private upstairs dining room at a wonderful restaurant.  Our wedding invites were hand-painted by us, flowers were a few simple Gerbera daisies, my dress was just an off-the-rack white-ish cocktail/party dress, and we asked our guests to bring a camera if they had one and take lots of photos.  Oh, and we ended up getting mini-cupcakes in lieu of a bigger cake.  

RTM, I hope you and your fiancee are able to suss out a celebration that is befitting of you both.  People may whisper behind your back about your choices, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter what they think.  You will soon learn, if you haven't already, it only matters what your soon-to-be-wife thinks.    Oh, and whatever you do, do not mention the word wedding when getting a price quote on anything.  Be vague, and say, oh, we're thinking of having a little party...


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## dibbles (Mar 19, 2017)

HowieRoll said:


> For instance, we did a tremendous amount of due diligence when it came to dessert.  It is, after all, the single most important part of a wedding, right?



Aside from the Mother of the Bride of course (I teased my daughter - and pretty much anyone else who would listed - with that when she was planning her wedding). 

Your wedding sounds lovely.


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## SunRiseArts (Mar 20, 2017)

My wedding was small, in my parents backyard. We also did not spend a lot. You can have a beautiful wedding without going crazy. I'd rather put the money towards a honeymoon!

But yeah, pretty much people go absolutely crazy, I do not get it either. I am an older gal now, but it seems to me that today is like a competition thing for girls, not about the wedding.


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## kchaystack (Mar 20, 2017)

I was integral in getting my best friends in Kansas City to 'elope'.   They had saved for over a year to have a wedding.  BUt Tori was doing it all herself - finding a place, looking at catering and all that.  Neither her or Jimi's parents were going to make it (the 2 of them were in their 40's at this time).  So I told her to stop worrying herself sick and stressing out about it and use the money they saved and go to Vegas. Me and another friend went with them as witnesses and I took pictures.  

About a year later I threw them a party at the condo I lived in and we invited all of our friends.  Everyone really just goes for the free booze at the reception afterwards anyway!


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## RalphTheMastiff (Mar 21, 2017)

HowieRoll said:


> This thread has turned into a fun collection of wedding stories.
> 
> RalphTheMastiff, your place is so beautiful that I'm thinking you should start renting it out for weddings.  That way you would raise money and get all the kinks out for your own wedding.  A two-fer!
> 
> ...


HAHAHA I tell everyone I'm looking for stuff for a family reunion!


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## RalphTheMastiff (Mar 21, 2017)

Thank you every one for your kind words and encouragement.  I'm going to have my better half look all this over and hopefully it will make her feel a lot better with doing what she wants!


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## makemineirish (Mar 21, 2017)

> My wedding should not be the highlight of my life, i want the little  moments to be, the feeling we had our first night in our home, our first  date, the day i flash boiled bees wax and am still cleaning it up,  watching my lovely bride to be use our bran new $20,000 tractor and  smash into our shed and the look on her face, canning apples from our  trees for the first time and eating them late in the winter with pride.   This is what i want my relationship to be about, I don't want to think  back 10 years from now about my wedding day on our anniversary but all  the moments that we shared good and bad over the years.
> 
> Am I crazy? Am i thinking about this all wrong?



No, you  are not.  However, the memories formed during a wedding usually do last a  lifetime and typically make the "highlights" reel.  Plus, the  photographs are a tangible totem that you can drag out to re-connect to  your goo-ier emotions when you are frustrated with the other person.  The  nostalgia about the "[smashed tractor]" usually only happens later.  At that instant, the one driving is mortified, the one watching  is terrified, and no one has found the humor in it yet.  

My favorite corollary is a story about my friend's parents.  I drove onto their property just after her father had broken out of the outdoor shower that his wife inadvertently locked him in.  The door was hanging off the hinges; he was naked and p***ed.  He has since passed away and her mother loves for me to re-tell the story about the ranting and raving I was privy to.  She was not so thrilled with the Machiavellian intentions that he attributed her with in the heat of the moment.



RalphTheMastiff said:


> Thank you every one for your kind words  and encouragement.  I'm going to have my better half look all this over  and hopefully it will make her feel a lot better with doing what she  wants!



I realize that you kind of closed out the thread with your last  post, but had a differing perspective.  The thematic thread in all the  replies is that the importance of the wedding is the memory that you  have made.  

I hazard to guess that asking a soap making forum  for opinions skews the cinematographic imagery of what that looks like.   People that opt to make a product that can be so easily acquired (high  availability/low relative cost) are inclined to appreciate simplicity,  frugality, and a hand-crafted/DIY venture.  I am definitely one of those  people.  However, I have friends that formed their visions of what they  wanted their wedding to be before they ever had a frame of reference  for what they wanted in their partner or themselves (I have been to a  couple of 6-figure affairs and paid out-of-pocket for the best friend  when they were just going to do the JP/courthouse route.)

My  perspective on this has more to do, not what the wedding is, but how you  will both remember it.  I can understand the allure of fairy lights on a  midsummer night...but that is no good if you are both too stressed out  from handling all the details to appreciate the ceremony.  It's lovely  to have all the grunt-work shouldered by someone else, but cost is an issue  relative to your income, lifestyle, and future  plans.

I have no idea if your impending spouse (or you) needs the  reassurance that she gave her mother her dying wish, the financial  freedom to take a year off to write the great American novel, or an  intimate memory of just the two of you in a glass chapel on a tropical  bluff.  My point (albeit long-winded), is that I might take a breath to think about what you  both want and what the memories are that you want to build.  I  do not mean the specifics (dress, venue, food, guest list, etc).  Rather, that you are both  empathetic to each others' feelings, supportive of their ideas, and  protective of their vulnerabilities.

I do not mean to sound  patronizing and do not pretend to be an authority on...well much of  anything.  However, I have had my share of experience with  misinterpretation and miscommunication.  I am just not sure that I would  appreciate my significant other spit-balling with a bunch of relative  strangers and then sitting me down to read their responses (not necessarily what you meant...but underscores my misinterpretation point.)  

It is important that she perceive your actions as supportive, rather than being pulled or pressured in yet another direction.  I think it would be more beneficial to simply have a conversation that started with the eloquent description you offered about what YOU want your marriage to be and have her articulate HER priorities.  The you can both work on trying to give the each other the wedding, marriage, and partnership that fulfills you.  That looks different for everyone.


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## Donna (Mar 21, 2017)

Ahh Ha!  Just had to chime in on this one.

I am 72.  My husband and I eloped when eloping wasn't considered much of an option.  Our parents were different religions and that was
a problem (for our parents).
I have never regretted it. I watched so many of my friends and their moms totally stressed dealing with all the planning and expenses that it
didn't seem that I had missed much.
When it came time for our daughters to marry, my husband and I told them that they would each get a certain amount of money.  They could use
it for a wedding, put it to a down payment on a house,etc.  If they chose an expensive wedding and the cost went over what we had given them, they had
to anti up. If they chose a less expensive wedding, they kept what was left over.
One daughter and now son-in-law elected to "elope" to Austria and had a little left over.
The other daughter opted for a small wedding and spent the rest to get started in a new house.
We had no hassles or tears (except for me who just cries at all weddings).  Worked fine for us.
Seems weddings and proms have become second only to the Academy Awards....big productions.

Now, we're looking at the cost of funerals!!!! What a total rip off.


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## SheLion (Mar 22, 2017)

My hubby and I went to the courthouse. My father-in-law witnessed and then took us to lunch after. We were poor as church mice and didn't have the money for a wedding, nor did I want to plan one. (I saw my mother's behavior at my sister's weddings. No. Thank. You.) For our honeymoon, we took an ill-fated backpacking trip that generated some memories for sure.

My only regret is that I didn't wear something fancier for the ceremony.


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## Scooter (Mar 31, 2017)

Oh this has been such a great thread. It's been fun reading about other people's weddings and brought back a lot of wonderful memories.

My partner and I met later in life and wanted our wedding to be an opportunity to bring our two communities of friends together. That was our entire focus---are our friends having a good time? We kept things as cheap as possible (I think we paid sixteen dollars in total for our rings, for example) but we spent money on what was really important for us...namely, throwing a great party for our friends. We had 175 people there. It was outdoors on a covered wooden platform in late May. The reception was further down a little dirt road on the same farm. We rented a tent just in case but really did not need it. What a gorgeous day it was. All you could see from the reception tent  facing west was rolling hills of hay grass coming into green with pine forests on either side. On the other sides we just had acres of wildflowers.

I was raised Baptist and my partner is Jewish. While planning the day, we initially each chose music (for the service and reception) separately without discussing it with each other. Well it turns out my partner wanted some  banjo-heavy Americana music for the service and I wanted a klezmer band for the reception. Musician friends of ours wrote a song just for our procession. Klezmer turned out to be a great decision for the reception. There are lots of people who feel self conscious about couple dancing but putting everyone in a great big circle is somehow liberating to a lot of folks. I thought I had rented a large enough wooden floor for the dancing but the crowd thought otherwise... so for a good amount of time almost everyone was running through the nearby wildflower-covered field, all holding hands, as the band played on and on and on. I am not so religious any more. (My kind of Baptists are not supposed to dance...ha!) But there was a moment during the running-through-the-fields dance that approached a kind of religious ecstasy, or at least I felt that way. Everyone seemed truly lost in the moment and very present right there right then.

Feeding 175 people was not cheap but that and the tent/dishes rental were about the only major expenses. (We paid three hundred dollars for the use of the entire farm for the day. I still do not know how we lucked into that.) There were no wedding dresses or rented tuxes. We both had 4 attendants (a mix of women and men for both) and told them to wear their dressiest casual clothes. We were (are) all close friends and trusted them to look great and they did. We did not want a cake but someone up and donated 200 vegan cupcakes, quite unexpectedly. We did not think we needed flowers since we were surrounded by acres and acres of wildflowers but someone still picked bunches of lovely flowers (mostly snapdragons) from their garden and brought enough mason jars for every table at the reception. Everything just worked out perfectly.

One important thing--neither our parents nor any wedding "planner" had anything to do with this at all. We gave our parents a date and said they could show up or not. They showed up. I'm not saying parents shouldn't be involved but I do think any couple getting married needs to think about what is truly valuable to them and not get sucked into a performance for other people. The weddings I have attended that have been more about projecting social status and bling, or caught up in the exact correct "protocol" per their planner... they always seem to be the saddest.

Oh, if you have made it this far, Gimlet Media had two interesting podcasts about weddings last fall. Here is the first, if you want to take a listen: https://gimletmedia.com/episode/22-wedding-planning/

ETA: Also we paid for everything ourselves. Our parents did not contribute a dime nor did we want them to do so. And we did not borrow any money (from another person, our 401K, a credit card or in any other manner) to pay for this. Anyone can have a meaningful wedding ceremony within a budget if they want to. Especially if you are young, starting out in debt for something like this seems nuts to me.


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## Zany_in_CO (Mar 31, 2017)

> But there was a moment during the running-through-the-fields dance that  approached a kind of religious ecstasy, or at least I felt that way.  Everyone seemed truly lost in the moment and very present right there  right then.


I know EXACTLY what you mean! Our daughter, Sarah's wedding had a moment like that. The setting was a mountain cabin high up in the Rockies, in the Red Feather Lakes area near Ft. Collins CO. Awe inspiring views. It was a gorgeous day, sunshine and blue skies. There was an outcroping where the couple spoke their wedding vows. A friend who is a professional musician was stationed there. He provided the music for the ceremony and the reception after. The music rang out over a green valley below, surrounded by mountain peaks. When Sarah's favorite song started, with a wave of her hand, Sarah motioned us to follow her to the next outcropping over -- followed by ALL the women  and we started dancing, and laughing and dancing and laughing. It was so joyful... love-ly in the literal sense. Then there was a moment when it felt we were transported beyond joy into blessing, for lack of a better word. I'll never forget it. I get tingles just thinking about it. 

Thank you SO much for sharing your special day, Scooter, and many blessings on you and yours. BIG hug.


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## earlene (Apr 1, 2017)

I've been married 3 times, so have some experience with weddings.  Plus planning my son's wedding to take place upon his & DIL's return to the US gives me hands-on experience with 4 weddings.

My first wedding was a very large, extravagant church wedding and reception paid for and mostly planned by my parents.  I was too young to marry (but stubbornly did not see that at the time) and took everything for granted and didn't even choose my own music.  I would never recommend such a thing to anyone.  I barely remember anything about my first wedding other than hundreds of people attended in a church that is no longer there and the Tower of the Hotel where we had the reception no longer exists.  The wedding itself was far too stress producing for my parents, IMO, and I cared little at the time, which makes the whole thing rather disappointing as a life experience.  If you want lots of wedding gifts and lots of wedding showers, this is one way to go, but I am not that much of a material girl.  (perhaps I was then, but I would hate to believe that about myself)

My second wedding was my first experience similar to your own, *RalphTheMastiff*, where we did all our own planning and preparation.  we were both mature adults with 4 teen-aged sons between us, well-established in our respective professions and much more stable as human beings, very much in love, of course, but much more responsible and capable of choosing wisely.  It was a much better way to go, doing our own planning and preparation.  I appreciated the process much more by doing it myself as a mature adult than I ever did as that self-absorbed teen-ager of my past.  Our venue was a Forested Park near where we lived, where we had the wedding and reception all in one location. I did all the flowers myself, but we did hire a caterer for the meal and a DJ to handle the music.  We chose our music carefully and I do remember the songs, the dances, almost everything about the wedding and reception.  It was also a largish wedding, although not quite as large as my first.  But we had so many family, friends and co-workers that we chose to invite about 150 guests.  So not too large.  And my niece who was my flower girl is the niece I visit most often, although I do have to admit I only have 2 nieces.

After my second husband died, I did not think I would ever fall in love again, let alone marry or have a wedding and reception again.  But several years later, I met my current husband and as two more mature (elderly, as my teen-aged self would have called us) adults both with previous huge weddings behind us, this time we chose for a very small wedding.  We decided the easiest way to achieve that was to marry in the Tahoe area, which we both enjoyed in previous trips together.  We invited only a few immediate family and a couple of close friends.  All told, we probably had less than a dozen guests at our wedding and reception.  We did all the reception planning and preparation ourselves, but had a bit of help from one of our good friends in the choosing of wedding dress, snacks, etc.  The wedding itself was a 'package wedding' at one of the Tahoe locations, but we chose it in advance, so it was less like eloping, but the same kind of package one can choose from when a couple elopes to Tahoe (or Vegas, etc.)

My son and DIL asked us to plan their wedding for them to take place in Vegas when they returned from Mexico several years ago.  So we did all the planning for that wedding, too.  There was no reception because the only people present besides my husband and myself, my DIL, son and granddaughter, was one of my DIL's brothers.  We chose the venue based on it's proximity to our timeshare in Vegas and it turned out to be a lovely setting with gorgeous pink flamingos as well as other tropical wildlife in and around the setting.  The only thing my DIL had to do was choose a wedding dress when she arrived.   For them the wedding was just what they wanted.

So what would I suggest to anyone getting married after these experiences of my own?  If you put your own planning and effort into it, it will mean more to you than if you let someone else do all the work.  If you don't really care that much to put the effort and planning into it, then hire someone else to do that part of it for you, but pay attention when they want to discuss it with you and assert your desires.  If you don't really care who attends, let someone else decide on the guest list, but act interested at least and welcome and thank each and every guest who is there to celebrate your marriage.  Send hand-written formal thank-you notes to each and every gift giver (I've been on the 'receiving' end of not receiving a thank you for wedding/shower gifts - It is beyond rude).  Give gifts to your helpers (best-man; bride's maids, parents, flower-girl, ring-bearer, etc.) to show your appreciation for their marvelous service.  Be patient and loving toward your spouse-to-be as this can be a very stressful event, before, during and after.


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