# Am I overreacting?



## RockinRodeoChick (Sep 13, 2010)

I know I haven't been a forum member very long, but I wasn't sure where else to turn. You lovelies are all so wonderful, I thought I might get a good piece of advice from you. 

So... in the 2 years that dh and I have been married and the 4 years before that that we dated, I've been, most of the time, pretty suspicious and kinda jealous of other women he talks to. Not to the point that I'm crazy and accusing him of cheating or anything. In fact, I very very rarely said anything because I figured it was just my insecurities making me feel this way. Well, the last few months, it seems to have gotten worse. The only reason being, I started noticing that he flipped if I got close to his cell phone. It was almost like the world was going to end if I picked it up. The most recent incident I can think of is when he was the shower in a couple months ago and got a text so his music went off. I picked it up to turn it back on for him and noticed the text was from a woman I've never heard of before. When I told him who it was from, there was a look of shock on his face and he attempted to get the phone from me. Ya know, "Oh here honey, don't worry about it. I'll turn it back on." Looking back now, this should've been a red flag to me, but I pushed any doubts of him I had aside. Call it denial, I suppose. I've thought about this and that woman a lot, but, really, I blamed the suspicions on myself. The overbearing, suspicious, bitchy wife you always hear about. I figured that had to be me, so I tried to leave things alone. (On a side note, dh has lots of female friends, many of them are online only. He's sworn up and down to me many times that these are platonic only, and in these cases I've believed him. I've talked to a few of them and he tells me what they've talked about. I'll admit, I've still always been a little suspicious of these other women, but, for the most part, I've trusted him. Yeah, I know. It sounds stupid to me now too, after actually writing it out.) Well, two nights ago, it got to be too much. First, just let me say, that I never spy on him. Never go through his cell phone or his email or anything. I figure we all have to have some privacy. But that night, while he was in the shower, he left his phone in the living room and my curiosity got the better of me. I picked it up and went through his text messages( I know, snooping is bad bad bad.), and I found something. Several, at least 20, nude and up close(if you get what I mean) photos of this one woman from her. The woman from the shower incident a couple months ago. I've never felt more betrayed in my life. I put the phone down where it was, got ready for work and acted like nothing was wrong until I figured out what to do. I really wanted to yell and scream, but I didn't think it would really do me any good. And then, last night I worked up the courage to ask him, calmly, who this woman is and what the hell is going on. Apparently, it's been going on for years. They send photos back and forth and tell each other what they want to do. I guess the term now is "sexting." And that it happened the most when I "wasn't putting out much." I wanted to rage at him, but all I could do was cry. He's told me a million times since last night how sorry he is and that it wasn't worth it and he knows now he shouldn't have done it. I know there wasn't actually any physical contact, but I still feel totally betrayed and like he's cheated on me. I don't know that I'll ever be able to trust him again. And the kicker is, all those years he let me believe I was just overly jealous and suspicious, I had all the reason in the world to be. The question is, what do I do now? What would you do now? And am I blowing this out of proportion or do I have every right to be this upset? 



Kudos to anyone that reads my new book.


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## PrairieCraft (Sep 13, 2010)

Your suspicions are almost always coming from your intuition.  Men in my experience are always willing to take it to the next level, so if this woman lives anywhere near it's very likely it has been physical.  There are so many men doing this stuff because it is easy and seemingly harmless to hook up online.  They become addicted to it.  If you act like it's ok or not a big deal now he will only continue or do it more since he will feel that you have given approval.  It's likely he will continue anyway.  I guess what you do depends on what you are getting out of the relationship.  Is he a good provider who makes life better for you?  Do you have other interests and something else to put your energy into or is he the center of your universe?  Do you have a great partnership, same goals, work well together.  Or are there other things in the relationship that aren't how you would want it?  This is a tough one.  I know there are good men out there but they never seem to be as attractive as the misbehavers.  In my opinion men are only as faithful as their options.  Sorry to any men who happen to come across this who may be offended.  No 'good' man has ever shown himself to me so I doubt their existence.  This isn't really helpful at all.  I got sick to my stomach reading your story and had a small anxiety attack, so I felt the need to sympathize.  A stronger woman than me might tell you to kick him to the curb.  But we tend to be drawn to the same types over and over again anyway.  If he would agree to counseling and you have the time and money, do it.  Otherwise, tell him all about how this makes you feel in great detail and make sure he understands.  Talk, talk, talk.  He doesn't love these other women, they are not better than you, cuter than you, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with them.  It is a problem some (a lot) of men have.  It's their problem, they want to be wanted and desired to feel better about themselves.


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## mariflo (Sep 13, 2010)

Oh honey, I am so sorry!
You have all the right to be upset. All that matters is how you feel about all of this. If you can wave it away than it's nothing. If you feel as if he cheated on you than that's what it means. ... how do you feel? Is this worth your tears and frustration? Would you have done what he did? Do you think you will ever be able to fully put it behind you? If you can't do that then it will haunt the rest of your married years and you will always carry the shadow of this incident with you. 
I've walked in your shoes and I know how it feels. Be happy this is happening now and not after 20 years of marriage. The moment of awakening is always the toughest but whatever your decision you will feel stronger when this is over. Trust in a realtionship supports happiness, the lack of it nulls out even the strongest feelings.
You desirve what you think is best for you and don't settle for any less.
I am not giving you any advice! The only thing I can say is think it over and think it well and put your peace of mind before anything else. 
We are here if you need us. 

Big hug to you!
mari


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## Deda (Sep 13, 2010)

Sweetie, I'm so sorry you're having so much anguish.

I'm terrible at advice of the heart, but mine would be to settle down for a few days.  Let your thoughts and feeling develop a little more.  Look at your relationship in total. You're a smart cookie, you're direction will be clear soon enough.

Come here, vent, scream, rant and sob.  Your soap sisters have your back.


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## cwarren (Sep 13, 2010)

(( this story was very hard for me to read ))  there is such a thing as emotionally cheating, whereas no physical contact happens but they give apart of themselves to someone else. I have been cheated on .  I personally, would never get over the doubt.  Your GUT will tell you what to do. I pray you have the strength to do what will make YOU happy in the end, what ever that may be.    GOD BLESS   (((( and they are always sorry when they get caught ))))


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## carebear (Sep 13, 2010)

Your husband needs to, in my opinion, understand that it IS cheating if you think it is...  (and it is anyway).  I have nothing against anonymous porn, but when two people are interacting then... well it's a relationship, yanno?

As for what you should do... I haven't the foggiest beyond that you two need to talk.  Perhaps now, perhaps in a few days.

My heart goes out to you.


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## hieroglyph (Sep 13, 2010)

PraireCraft is right, we have monster egos.
also, its not your fault!...never ever ever get in the mindset that your not good enough to keep him from straying. cheaters gonna cheat IME

here's a little tough love...he's still lying to you! If he can't be honest? Do whats best for RodeoChick (if children aren't involved). 
the sooner the better

<insert> shoulders to cry on </insert>

Sincerely,
Old geezer thats been in your shoes

also also
Denial....i think you have some....just saying


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## agriffin (Sep 13, 2010)

OMG!  I'm so sorry to read this!  

Do you have kids?  If not...get they He$$ out of that mess.  I'm sorry, but life is too short.  

Yeah...I bet he's sorry...only cause he got caught.  It would still be going on if he didn't.  And I really don't think he'll stop.  He might for awhile.  

If you have kids (younger)...then that's a different story.  That makes the situation a whole lot harder.

And I agree with Carebear...this is cheating.  He said he does this during the time that you aren't "putting out".  He's trying to turn it on you and that's not right.  IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.  My EX-husband was the master in turning something into my fault when I brought something up he didn't like.

Leaving my ex was the best thing that ever happened to me.  He didn't cheat but there were all sorts of issues.  It seemed an impossible task, it turns your life upside down, its hell for awhile...but you move on and get over it.  Life is good now.  

But you need to take care of yourself.  Be happy.    

And on a side note...geez...he has some balls to just leave the pics on his phone!!  Maybe he wanted to get caught?!?!?!  JERK!  

Love ya!
Amanda


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## Hazel (Sep 13, 2010)

RockinRodeoChick, 

I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this. I do feel for you but I can't offer any advice because my relationships all went bad. From my experience (which isn't that much) is that men really don't change. They might behave for awhile but then they slip back into their previous behaviors. Maybe they thought I wouldn't find out or maybe they wanted to be caught. Who knows? But the result for me was to end the relationships.

I hope you also have a support group of friends and family near you.


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## cwarren (Sep 13, 2010)

Just so ya know - this has truely weighed heavy on me.. I asked my husband what he thought if I had done this.... he was mad before I could explain .... he said    NO NO  NO   thats just all kinda wrong  ... so there from my  mans point of view...


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## dagmar88 (Sep 13, 2010)

RockinRodeoChick said:
			
		

> The question is, what do I do now? What would you do now? And am I blowing this out of proportion or do I have every right to be this upset?



You do have every right to be upset... Like agriffin said, sounds like he's only sorry about getting caught and not about hurting your feelings.
I'd take some time to let things cool off and figure out for yourself what's in your best interest and what you really want and need in your life.

Hope things turn out well for you and stay strong~!


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## Tabitha (Sep 13, 2010)

I was not going to respond to this thread. I was going to 'stay out of it.' I signed off & went in to do the dishes, then it smacked me like a ton of bricks: 



> it happened the most when I "wasn't putting out much."



He has the odasity to blame you for his infidelity? Seriously? He allowed you too think you were insecure and jealous? He let you think you were the bad/wrong one? A poor wife causing him to stay?

This is not about sex, or other women. This about cheating, lying, passing blame, making you feel bad and putting himself before you. 

Does he possess the qualities you need in a mate? 

I do not know if you have children involved, that is certainly a consideration. 

You are lucky to find out about these qualities 2 years in rather than 10, or 20, or more.


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## RockinRodeoChick (Sep 13, 2010)

I don't have a whole lot of time, but I wanted to get on here and say thank you lovelies for all the input. Many of you have been echoing exactly what I've been thinking. I went ahead and packed up some things for me and my furry babies(no human kids, thank goodness), and I'm going to stay with my folks for a few days. Trying to figure out what I want and if it's worth it to try to save this. I'll check in again soon. Thanks again. ::snugs::


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## ChrissyB (Sep 14, 2010)

I'm echoing the "this is definitely not right" crowd.
Absolutely what Carebear said, it's no anonymous, there is interaction and two way communication, and that's cheating.
And I am so sorry to say this, but if it's "sexting", how long before the thrill of that wears off and they need to take it to another level to get the same thrill?
This is not right, you have every right to be pissed. I would be livid.


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## Sibi (Sep 14, 2010)

It's been my experience that once a man has cheated (and I consider what your husband has done as cheating) he will inevitably do it again.  It may take a while, but it will happen.  And the next time he will be wiser about keepin it from you so you would be in the dark again, for a longer time, before being caught again.  I would see it as a vicious cycle and the one being hurt continuously would be you.  However, maybe, just maybe, he would be different?  Therefore I don't feel comfortable suggesting that you leave him, since you know him best of all.  If you really wanted to salvage the marriage, counseling will be necessary.  But only you can decide how best to proceed but please, think of YOU in all this.  What do YOU want.  Does he deserve a second chance or should you get out while you can?

My heart goes out to you!


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## carebear (Sep 14, 2010)

I was just reading your thread over at the other forum (yes ladies and gents, there ARE o ther forums!) and I see overwhelmingly they scream "leave him!!" and "get out now!".  Keep in mind that this is YOUR relationships and you will have to go with what makes sense to YOU.  No need to run out the door!  No need to kick him out!  First decide how you want things to go...

Many many women have been used, abused, cheated on, and taken advantage of.  Lots of us here, in fact.  And some worked things out with our spouses, some left, some are somewhere in between.  What was right for me isn't necessarily what's right for you.

Be good to yourself and the rest will fall into place.


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## ilove2soap (Sep 14, 2010)

What a terrible situation.  So, so sorry that you are having to go through this.  I wish I had some wise words of advice.  My best friend found out her husband of 14 years was having a 3+ year affair with a co-worker.  It started out with flirting, Facebook, texts, and moved on to physical contact.  My concern for you is that if you were suspicious even before you had evidence, how much worse would you be now that your suspicions are confirmed?  Would you ever not be able to check his phone while he was in the shower? Could you feel comfortable if he had to start "working late" at the office?  It seems like he trampled on your trust and disrespected the marriage. I'm sure he though it was a harmless flirtation, but he must have known deep down that it was wrong otherwise he wouldn't have been so quick to cover it up. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.  Just some random thoughts.  Didn't mean to ramble.  I think I added another chapter to the novel.  I will be thinking of you and your situation so give us an update if you can.  Wishing you all the best, soapmaking friend!


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## dcornett (Sep 15, 2010)

I don't think I can add anything that hasn't already been said...my heart goes out to you though. I would have to agree with PrairieCraft that what you decide to do now will pretty much depend on what you are getting out of the relationship. No matter what you decide things are going to be tough, so lean on your friends and family there's strength in numbers.


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## RockinRodeoChick (Sep 17, 2010)

Thank you everyone for all the support. It's nice to know that someone else out there cares.

So, I'm still at my folks' house, but I've gone back to the apartment a couple times to try to talk this out with him. And he just keeps lying to me... Apparently, she's not the only one. I guess when he gets bored, he gets online and talks to random women and exchanges nude photos via text messaging and email. He said it's because he wants approval... to know someone else likes it. And that he gets a thrill out if it. At which point, my stomach rolled over. Oh, and I did some digging through his phone records. I remembered the last one he had in his phone from this woman was from july 21st. The only photo he received that day... was from a local number. She's here... in town. He says he met her through yahoo messenger. Apparently, there's some kind search you can do to find people in your city. He says she messaged him out of the blue one day. I finally got him to admit it. Well, it wasn't me. Apparently, his father had a nice long talk with him. We both found out this is the same reason his parent's marriage broke up. His dad was doing the same thing. Honestly, at this point, I'm not sure what to think. He swears up and down that he's never met any of them in person, never had a desire to, knew that was crossing the line. But I'm not sure I believe him... I'm not sure I should. Before I found the rest of this out, I'd pretty much decided I was going to try to make this work and had been planning on going back today. Now, I'm not sure... I *think* I finally have the truth out of him, but how can I be sure? I'm so lost and feel so alone and helpless. And I have her number now... debating on whether I should say anything to her. I would really just love to scream at the both of the them and all the other women, but I know it really wouldn't do me any good. Knowing me, I'd feel guilty about it later. I would like to know why she kept this up though. I understand it wasn't just her, but if I had been in her shoes, it would have ended when I found out he was getting married, if not before then. Although, really, I never would've been in this situation anyway. I do still love him and care about him, but I'm not sure I'm in love with anymore. I don't know if I could make this work now if I tried. Still trying to decide if I want to. Both the options I have scare the hell out of me.


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## cwarren (Sep 17, 2010)

The other women - did not make a promise to you ! it doesn't matter if she knows about you or not .....  If you stay you need counseling or the wonder will eat you up


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## RockinRodeoChick (Sep 17, 2010)

Yes, I know. After I typed it out, I got to thinking about it and realize how bad an idea it really is to bother her.


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## carebear (Sep 17, 2010)

oh my dear, I'm so so sorry!!!
sounds like a big, fat liar who makes excuses.


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## BakingNana (Sep 17, 2010)

I'm sorry you are going through this.  My sister had a similar situation 10 years ago.  It took her quite a while to realize that the problem was his behavior and had nothing to do with her.  He would have behaved that way REGARDLESS of who he was supposedly in a relationship with.  They did go through a year of counseling, which ended with the counselor telling them that he had a narcissistic personality and obviously was not going to change, and she needed to decide whether she could live this way the rest of her life or leave.  She left.  She's been a much happier person ever since.  I'm in no position to tell you that's what you should do, but I wanted to pass on what she learned in her situation.

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time!


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## Sibi (Sep 17, 2010)

Oh my....I'm so sorry that you are struggling with what to do.  Don't feel like you have to rush...this is the rest of your life you are talking about so take your time and really think things through.

Based on what you've said it looks to me like your husband is in constant need of approval.  It sounds like a personality flaw which is highly unlikely to change. The thing is, are you willing to live with it?  You really haven't invested too many years in this relationship therefore now would be the best time to bail if you're going to end the relationship. You have your whole life in front of you to look forward to.  However, this is all just me thinking out loud.  You need to do what is best for you and what will make you happy.  Take the time to look at all the angles before you make a decision.

Hugs!


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## Hazel (Sep 17, 2010)

RockinRodeoChick said:
			
		

> Yes, I know. After I typed it out, I got to thinking about it and realize how bad an idea it really is to bother her.



I was wondering if she even knows he's married. If he's lying to you, then he's probably lying to her, too. Years ago, my mom called one of my dad's girl friends and the woman was shocked to find out that the man she was "dating" was married. She stopped seeing him once she found out. Even though this woman dumped him, my mom still went ahead and got a divorce. She said she was tired of being hurt and that he'd never change.

I'm so sorry you're going through this type of situation.


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## cwarren (Sep 17, 2010)

The reason this bothers me soooo.. First I have been cheated on IT SUCKS !    second my sisters husband cheated on her she found out and stayed because ( he said he only got BJ ) He is still cheating and WE all know and she does not believe us..  ( I know this because my daughter and her boyfriend rode with him in his truck (he's truck driver) and as she slept in bed of truck she could hear his conversation ) it just makes me sooo mad that he does it.... he made a promise to my sister when he married her !!! and sleeping around wasn't mentioned ...  for me it doesn't matter what the other women think or know- he owes her to be faithful !!!!!!


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## Deda (Sep 18, 2010)

It's a tough situation.  I hope you find some peace, soon.  
Is he rationalizing that if there was no actual physical contact that it really wasn't cheating? Not that I'd buy that excuse, but who knows what goes on in their brains.

For the record:
I think cheating on your spouse has to be the most vile thing anyone can do.  Husband or wife, how can you look yourself in the mirror and know what you did to someone you love?


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## ChrissyB (Sep 18, 2010)

Deda, I totally agree.
It's a horrible abuse of trust.


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## Sunny (Sep 18, 2010)

Hazel said:
			
		

> RockinRodeoChick said:
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I was thinking this, too. I don't know if I'd be brave enough to contact her (if it were me in the situation) but I bet she doesn't know he's married.

I hate to throw my personal experience into the mix too, but.. maybe it does help. My friend found out her husband was cheating and contacted the girl he was cheating with. This girl had no idea he was married and told my friend everything they did together. So my friend got to know all the things her husband wasn't telling her. And the girl broke it off with him immediately, she was disgusted.

I'm truly sorry you have to deal with this. It makes me sick to my stomach.


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## hieroglyph (Sep 19, 2010)

RockinRodeoChick said:
			
		

> Thank you everyone for all the support. It's nice to know that someone else out there cares.
> 
> *Well, it wasn't me. Apparently, his father had a nice long talk with him. We both found out this is the same reason his parent's marriage broke up. *His dad was doing the same thing. .




no matter how hard we try..... we become our parents

you should be seeing red flags about now

_video link added for maximum rodeo rockage
_

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqWP1rsAMrw"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqWP1rsAMrw[/ame]


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## krissy (Sep 21, 2010)

i cant add too much except that i pray that you will do what is right for you.


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## Tabitha (Sep 21, 2010)

tasha said:
			
		

> Hazel said:
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I would absolutley make contact.I would not have a conversation with her, just an FYI: Just incase she did not know. He could be screwing her over too & she has the right to know.


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## ChrissyB (Sep 24, 2010)

I agree that she needs to know what's going on, he is using both of you.


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