# Empty nesters....help me please!



## Mooicle (Aug 22, 2019)

Ok this has nothing to do with soaping...or maybe it does.  I don't know.  But we are taking our 3rd and last child to college next Thursday.  I have been going back and forth between crying my eyes out and excited about concentrating on soaping.  I have been a stay at home mom for 23 years...and now it is over (eyes tearing up as I type this...I HATE crying).  Guys...how can I deal with this?  I am a mess inside and it is annoying the heck out of me.  I do NOT want to be sad.  I am so excited for all the kids but this has been what's defined me for so long that I don't know exactly how to handle this massive change.  Talk about massive mixed emotions! 

Don't get me wrong...I am not having such extreme emotions that I can't handle it...it's just that this new normal feels so....I don't even know HOW it feels.  

I do know that as soon as we get home, I am going to make soap.  I go into my happy place when I soap where nothing seems to matter but these lovely (or sometimes ugly) creations. 

Thank you for letting me vent my unsoapy life stuff.


----------



## Marilyn Norgart (Aug 22, 2019)

cry your eyes out and then start making soap.  we raise our kids to be ready to move on.  both mine have moved on and I miss them something awful but am proud that they have found their way in life. its not like I don't get to talk to them whenever I want.  be grateful.


----------



## Mooicle (Aug 22, 2019)

Marilyn Norgart said:


> cry your eyes out and then start making soap.  we raise our kids to be ready to move on.  both mine have moved on and I miss them something awful but am proud that they have found their way in life. its not like I don't get to talk to them whenever I want.  be grateful.


Thanks Marilyn...Sometimes when I feel that I am the only one who has ever felt this way it makes me feel kinda (massively) distraught.  But when I know that other people feel the same as me, it somehow is a comfort. 
Those stupid tears are ready at a moments notice which drives me absolutely crazy!!!  I hate crying and being sad so much.  I know that it will all come to a head when we start to head back home and I am NOT looking forward to that at all.  
Learning how to soap has come at a perfect time in my life...I am very grateful that I somehow fell in to it.


----------



## Dragonfly Soaps (Aug 22, 2019)

Mooicle said:


> Ok this has nothing to do with soaping...or maybe it does.  I don't know.  But we are taking our 3rd and last child to college next Thursday.  I have been going back and forth between crying my eyes out and excited about concentrating on soaping.  I have been a stay at home mom for 23 years...and now it is over (eyes tearing up as I type this...I HATE crying).  Guys...how can I deal with this?  I am a mess inside and it is annoying the heck out of me.  I do NOT want to be sad.  I am so excited for all the kids but this has been what's defined me for so long that I don't know exactly how to handle this massive change.  Talk about massive mixed emotions!
> 
> Don't get me wrong...I am not having such extreme emotions that I can't handle it...it's just that this new normal feels so....I don't even know HOW it feels.
> 
> ...


I was the same way when my youngest went off to college 6 years ago. Empty nesting is very real! I cried a lot too. My husband helped by getting me gardening and chickens. This was before i found sewing and soaping. But the key is to stay busy. You may still have some sadness, but over time it will be less and less. Hang in there! We empty nesters can get through this together


----------



## Mooicle (Aug 22, 2019)

Dragonfly Soaps said:


> I was the same way when my youngest went off to college 6 years ago. Empty nesting is very real! I cried a lot too. My husband helped by getting me gardening and chickens. This was before i found sewing and soaping. But the key is to stay busy. You may still have some sadness, but over time it will be less and less. Hang in there! We empty nesters can get through this together


Thank you Dragonfly...this transition stage I think will be the worst...but it also seems like the stage that lasts FOREVER!  I have been frantically ordering last minute things from amazon and it seems so weird that I am ordering all this stuff.  Then I start thinking about things and BOOM the tears want to come.  So then I go look at my soap and go into my happy place.  I don't want to have a crying headache again...those things last a long time.


----------



## Cellador (Aug 22, 2019)

I am far from being an empty-nester (I am a stay at home mom to a 7 & 4 year old), but I can only imagine how strange it must be for you to no longer have the kids in the house. It makes me weepy just thinking of it...
But, like Marilyn said, as parents, we hope that our kids will be capable of caring for themselves one day. Your job isn't done either. They will still need you for many, many things ...
So, make your soap and enjoy the quiet. Have some fun with your "me" time.


----------



## Mooicle (Aug 22, 2019)

Cellador said:


> I am far from being an empty-nester (I am a stay at home mom to a 7 & 4 year old), but I can only imagine how strange it must be for you to no longer have the kids in the house. It makes me weepy just thinking of it...
> But, like Marilyn said, as parents, we hope that our kids will be capable of caring for themselves one day. Your job isn't done either. They will still need you for many, many things ...
> So, make your soap and enjoy the quiet. Have some fun with your "me" time.


Yes I am definitely looking forward to it...at the same time that I am wishing we weren't at this point.  I have never experienced so complete and utter opposites in emotions before.  It's mind numbing.  I must say that I AM looking forward to just taking care of my hubby.  It's been a long time since we have only thought about just doing things for the 2 of us.  We have never been the parents that leave the kids out while we go do things.  It will be a nice thing to experience. 
So, soaping (or thinking about soap) during the day when he is at work, and then he gets home and we can do things together. 
New normal


----------



## cmzaha (Aug 22, 2019)

My theory is, too enjoy the empty nesting because many grown kids return to the nest.


----------



## Mooicle (Aug 22, 2019)

cmzaha said:


> My theory is, too enjoy the empty nesting because many grown kids return to the nest.


That I do agree with...our oldest has already returned once.  Now she is back out in the world again.


----------



## Kathymzr (Aug 22, 2019)

Don’t panic! Mom’s are always in high demand. Times have changed since our youth. Listen and learn about this new world. About your children’s challenges in becoming adults. Don’t stop learning. Make that bucket list and get to work it. Find supportive, active people to talk with. Time for a makeover, to reinvent yourself. That’s an active choice and will make your children proud of YOU! I’ve met sooo many vibrant women! Keep yourself smiling and your nest will never be empty!!


----------



## Mooicle (Aug 22, 2019)

Kathymzr said:


> Don’t panic! Mom’s are always in high demand. Times have changed since our youth. Listen and learn about this new world. About your children’s challenges in becoming adults. Don’t stop learning. Make that bucket list and get to work it. Find supportive, active people to talk with. Time for a makeover, to reinvent yourself. That’s an active choice and will make your children proud of YOU! I’ve met sooo many vibrant women! Keep yourself smiling and your nest will never be empty!!


----------



## Marilyn Norgart (Aug 22, 2019)

Kathymzr said:


> Don’t panic! Mom’s are always in high demand. Times have changed since our youth. Listen and learn about this new world. About your children’s challenges in becoming adults. Don’t stop learning. Make that bucket list and get to work it. Find supportive, active people to talk with. Time for a makeover, to reinvent yourself. That’s an active choice and will make your children proud of YOU! I’ve met sooo many vibrant women! Keep yourself smiling and your nest will never be empty!!



love this!!!!!!  my boys still ask for my opinion on somethings and they both have told me they are proud of me for soaping!!!  and they both have been back home to stay for awhile  (shhhhhhhh i'll let you in on a secret---while I loved having them home again I was very happy they left again--you will get there too)


----------



## Mooicle (Aug 22, 2019)

Marilyn Norgart said:


> love this!!!!!!  my boys still ask for my opinion on somethings and they both have told me they are proud of me for soaping!!!  and they both have been back home to stay for awhile  (shhhhhhhh i'll let you in on a secret---while I loved having them home again I was very happy they left again--you will get there too)


Out of all the weird things in life, this seems like it is the weirdest (empty nest and all the mixed emotions)...  So far at least.  I am only 51 so who knows what other weird things are around the corner.


----------



## dibbles (Aug 22, 2019)

I was a stay at home mom of two. When the oldest left for college, I was happy for her but a mess at the same time. I cried for the first 45 minutes of the car ride home. And often during the next few days. But by the time the first week had gone by it was much easier, and I was on the way to getting used to her not being home every day. And like the others have said to you, and which you know in your heart, my husband said to me - this is what we want for our kids. We prepare them to separate from us and go out in the world to find their place in it. And hope they are successful in whatever it is they choose to do. Knowing this, however, doesn't make it any easier.

When my youngest was going off to college I thought it would be easier because I'd been through it before and knew what to expect. Nope. Just as hard. (I also thought that about the youngest learning to drive - wrong about that too LOL.) But at least I knew that it wouldn't take forever to get used to our new normal. 

Let yourself be sad when you need to, and know you will be okay soon enough.


----------



## Mooicle (Aug 22, 2019)

dibbles said:


> I was a stay at home mom of two. When the oldest left for college, I was happy for her but a mess at the same time. I cried for the first 45 minutes of the car ride home. And often during the next few days. But by the time the first week had gone by it was much easier, and I was on the way to getting used to her not being home every day. And like the others have said to you, and which you know in your heart, my husband said to me - this is what we want for our kids. We prepare them to separate from us and go out in the world to find their place in it. And hope they are successful in whatever it is they choose to do. Knowing this, however, doesn't make it any easier.
> 
> When my youngest was going off to college I thought it would be easier because I'd been through it before and knew what to expect. Nope. Just as hard. (I also thought that about the youngest learning to drive - wrong about that too LOL.) But at least I knew that it wouldn't take forever to get used to our new normal.
> 
> Let yourself be sad when you need to, and know you will be okay soon enough.


Thank you dibbles!
As much as this is hurting me, it would be a MILLION times worse if all they wanted was to stay at home with me.  Because then I would feel like a failure...but they want to do their own thing and are not scared.  Not one of them is scared to do things and that makes me SO happy...especially because that is the exact opposite as me. 

I think one of the issues I am having is that I am excited to have it just be me and hubby...so that makes me feel like I am abandoning them.  Even though I KNOW that is ridiculous, being a stay at home mom and literally being there specifically for their every need and now not wanting to necessarily do that anymore makes me feel like I am abandoning them.  Trust me guys...I know that isn't the case.  That is just something I have to learn that I don't have to feel like that. ...hence, SOAPING.  Soaping cures all I suppose.


----------



## lsg (Aug 22, 2019)

If you are able to work outside the home, I suggest getting a part time job.  There are also many charitable organizations that need volunteers.


----------



## Marilyn Norgart (Aug 22, 2019)

lsg said:


> If you are able to work outside the home, I suggest getting a part time job.  There are also many charitable organizations that need volunteers.



very good idea!!!


----------



## Kathymzr (Aug 23, 2019)

Wow!How lucky you are! At only 51, you have at least half your life ahead!! You just graduated from Mom School! Don’t rent out the “extra” bedroom yet! Imagine your KIDZ shock when they come home to find your curing racks in there!


----------



## shunt2011 (Aug 23, 2019)

When my daughter went away to college I cried all the way home (2 1/2 hours) and then cried for a few more days.  Then I realized that she's not gone forever and I could call her anytime pretty much or her me.  

Once she graduated from college, it was even harder when I moved her from Michigan to Yuma, Arizona.  I was a wreck for a month.  She was so far away and there was a time difference.  That too passed with some time.  Until, she got met someone special and they had a baby, then it was awful once again.  I had a grandbaby so far away.  Then a year later another little one.   We go through so many emotional changes as parents (mother's take it harder most times).  However, it becomes our new normal.  

Three years later they moved about 3 miles from me and now I see them everyday.    The cycles of life. 

Don't be too hard on yourself.


----------



## Soapymumma (Aug 23, 2019)

I’m going through this a little right now. I was a career woman and wanted to be an independent working mum and wife. We struggled with infertility. Gave up. Surprise pregnancy. It changed my world. I’ve been a SAHM for 15 years. He’s gaining his independence wings and I’m faultering. It’s driving me crazy. Beginning of the year I cried so much. He has a big commute to school so stays at his grandparents 2 nights mid week. The new routine flattened me. I didn’t understand my emotions. It seemed crazy to me to be feeling like I was when this is what we parent for. An independent, confident, young person was emerging and I was a hot mess. 

I hear you mumma. I wasn’t prepared for these feeling and I feel silly because of it. Trying to make sense of it when you also see the rational side is hard. I guess it’s a transition and will pass. I see the upside where my husband and I get to live beautifully together having raised a great young man. While ours hasn’t left the nest yet, he blows in with the wind (between long school days, stays with grandparents and his part time job) so I expect the next transition when he does leaves home to be another difficult one. 

For me I have enrolled at Uni. I plan to study business. Not sure of a major yet. Soaping is a hobby for me. But I have made a facial cleanser I’d like to take to the world. So I’ll start focusing on me. 
You’ve. Got. This.


----------



## Mobjack Bay (Aug 23, 2019)

I hope you’re feeling better today. (Edited)


----------



## dibbles (Aug 23, 2019)

I have two friends that have children (and grandchildren) living in China. My daughter and SIL live in San Francisco, and I'm in MN. I keep reminding myself that I'm lucky they are as close as they are. It's still hard though, some days more than others. And my son and DIL are here and that helps.


----------



## bookreader451 (Aug 23, 2019)

I have been an empty nester for three years now (5 kids) and these are the things I learned:

Setting the table every night, complete with serving bowls, is just silly; hubby can serve himself off the stove.

A glass of wine really helps you enjoy watching tv with hubby, you know shows like "River Monsters" and anything to do with old cars.

Until they stop asking for money you are not an empty nester, just a remote ATM.

Kids will always show up with laundry, need a new cell phone, and want to stay on your phone plan after they get 6 figure jobs.

Eventually you will love the quiet.

When they come home it is special and you get to cook their faves and spoil them again.


----------



## lenarenee (Aug 23, 2019)

Mooicle,

All of those feelings are normal. Life will forever be different - so you're grieving.  All of a sudden you have to find a new normal. The key is...to take the bull by the horns and recognize you'll now have time to create your new normal. Yes, it will be uncomfortable!  Glad you'll be making soap!  But also buddy up with a friend, or find a new, where you can get together for coffee and chatting, or watching a movie, doing crafts together.  Volunteer!  But let yourself grieve, and soon you'll enjoy defining your new normal.  Hugs!


----------



## Locoe (Aug 23, 2019)

I was trying to put a message together for you and I kept feeling I couldn’t really explain what I was wanting to say. So I decided to just wish you happiness in this next stage of your life, the advice of keeping busy Doing things you love is  the  answer !!!

Ps. Our 41 year old son has returned home....!


----------



## Kathymzr (Aug 24, 2019)

I love the ages of kids 18-28. So many adventures, decisions good and bad, life’s lessons. Parents are the advisors and confidants, help to keep a steady keel, so kids learn to steer their own ship. So older kid parenting is much more cerebral than just doing laundry. A different kind of job, and also a first time for parents too. My kids are 46 and 40 and I’m now in the grandparent role. You never stop being a mom—the role evolves, and will figure yours out just fine. Take a breath and be so proud you launched them! Way more complicated than rocket science!!


----------



## Mooicle (Aug 24, 2019)

Kathymzr said:


> Wow!How lucky you are! At only 51, you have at least half your life ahead!! You just graduated from Mom School! Don’t rent out the “extra” bedroom yet! Imagine your KIDZ shock when they come home to find your curing racks in there!


----------



## Mooicle (Aug 24, 2019)

shunt2011 said:


> When my daughter went away to college I cried all the way home (2 1/2 hours) and then cried for a few more days.  Then I realized that she's not gone forever and I could call her anytime pretty much or her me.
> 
> Once she graduated from college, it was even harder when I moved her from Michigan to Yuma, Arizona.  I was a wreck for a month.  She was so far away and there was a time difference.  That too passed with some time.  Until, she got met someone special and they had a baby, then it was awful once again.  I had a grandbaby so far away.  Then a year later another little one.   We go through so many emotional changes as parents (mother's take it harder most times).  However, it becomes our new normal.
> 
> ...



That's what I keep telling myself.  It always seems that whatever is happening right now is what it is always going to be.  But it seems like things like to come full circle.  New normals are so difficult...it seems like you just get used to something, and then it changes and makes you a mess again.  I tell myself over and over to just calm down and enjoy the moment.  I just have to get through next week and I think it will settle down in my mind pretty quick...as long as the kids are happy and doing ok, then I really and truly am fine.


----------



## Mooicle (Aug 24, 2019)

Soapymumma said:


> I’m going through this a little right now. I was a career woman and wanted to be an independent working mum and wife. We struggled with infertility. Gave up. Surprise pregnancy. It changed my world. I’ve been a SAHM for 15 years. He’s gaining his independence wings and I’m faultering. It’s driving me crazy. Beginning of the year I cried so much. He has a big commute to school so stays at his grandparents 2 nights mid week. The new routine flattened me. I didn’t understand my emotions. It seemed crazy to me to be feeling like I was when this is what we parent for. An independent, confident, young person was emerging and I was a hot mess.
> 
> I hear you mumma. I wasn’t prepared for these feeling and I feel silly because of it. Trying to make sense of it when you also see the rational side is hard. I guess it’s a transition and will pass. I see the upside where my husband and I get to live beautifully together having raised a great young man. While ours hasn’t left the nest yet, he blows in with the wind (between long school days, stays with grandparents and his part time job) so I expect the next transition when he does leaves home to be another difficult one.
> 
> ...



YES!!!!!  That is exactly it...I am SO SO SO proud of all 3 kids and want them to be independent and confident and excited to DO stuff.  So I get very upset with myself when I have these annoying crying bouts where all I want is the kids.  But then when I really think about it, I realize I do NOT want to go back to when they were little, and I CERTAINLY don't want them with me because how can they flourish that way?  I would feel like the biggest loser mom in the world if all they wanted was me and couldn't handle life without me.  So I WANT them to go out and live their lives....and then I go and cry cry cry...and make myself really annoyed at myself.  It is a rollercoaster.  It drives me nuts.


----------



## Mooicle (Aug 24, 2019)

Locoe said:


> I was trying to put a message together for you and I kept feeling I couldn’t really explain what I was wanting to say. So I decided to just wish you happiness in this next stage of your life, the advice of keeping busy Doing things you love is  the  answer !!!
> 
> Ps. Our 41 year old son has returned home....!


Well I figured that all empty nester moms out there knew exactly what I am going through and that in and of itself is a comfort...strange but true.  Just knowing that I am not the only one is a HUGE help.  Our oldest (23) has already returned once but is back out in the world.  I figure that will probably happen a number of times.  It feels good to be a place where the kids can come and reset, and then go back out to face the world.  New normal...


----------



## Mooicle (Aug 24, 2019)

Kathymzr said:


> I love the ages of kids 18-28. So many adventures, decisions good and bad, life’s lessons. Parents are the advisors and confidants, help to keep a steady keel, so kids learn to steer their own ship. So older kid parenting is much more cerebral than just doing laundry. A different kind of job, and also a first time for parents too. My kids are 46 and 40 and I’m now in the grandparent role. You never stop being a mom—the role evolves, and will figure yours out just fine. Take a breath and be so proud you launched them! Way more complicated than rocket science!!


----------



## Kathymzr (Aug 24, 2019)

You’ve got it!


----------



## earlene (Aug 24, 2019)

And then they give you grandkids!  I have been known to say, 'Being a grandmother is the best gig in town.'  Ever since my soon-to-be 18yo granddaughter's parents brought her home when they returned from a long absence out of country.  They only lived with us a few months, but the bond was initiated and cultivated ever since.

How I dealt with my two sons leaving (decades ago, I must admit) was to work excessive hours at my job, dedicated my weekends and evenings to a non-profit and volunteer work, and expanded my love of travel with friends (formerly it had been with family and sons).   I fell in love again (twice) and began a life without dependents, and continued to travel.  I think I went on a couple of excessive spending sprees, too.  I moved, purchased a new condo, furnished and decorated 2 new homes, and kept right on talking to them (the kids) when possible.  Of course they had their lives and sometimes we didn't see each other much.  But it waxed and waned until the grandkids.  Grandkids seemed to have been a stabilizing factor in bringing us all back together again.  Because it truly does take a village, apparently, and I am part of the village. 

But some of the time I used to have worrisome dreams about them that would awaken me to fret.  Some of the time, I didn't know where either one of them was and would worry not knowing.  One year, I gave my eldest son a Phone for Christmas (this was before mobile phones) as a hint that he didn't call me often enough.  I looked forward to my birthday and my mother's birthday because my youngest always called those days (we didn't live together, but we were close) no matter where in the country he happened to travel.  The one thing I did notice over the years was that whenever either of them fell in love, they wanted to talk to mom, so it's not only when they need money that they call. Often they called to share happy news about this wonderful new person in their lives.  Sometimes they called to brag to mom about how well they were doing (a job opportunity, a promotion, a new home, etc.)  But sometimes they'd call me and tell me about some great new adventure that they were thrilled about that just made me worry more.  It is the life of being a parent, whether boys or girls, I suppose.


----------



## Marilyn Norgart (Aug 24, 2019)

whenever my youngest comes over for supper he eats and then falls asleep on the couch--it used to kinda tick me off but then I thought about it.  he works hard and I guess I feel good that he still feels at home enough that he can actually kick back and relax


----------

