# How do you????



## Sibi (May 1, 2011)

My question....How do you handle talking to a a very difficult person when they are very sick.  The reason i ask is that my mother has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and will have to undergo lots of chemo.  She just had surgery and was sent home yesterday.  Throughout these last couple of weeks, on 2 occasions that I spoke to her, she made me feel so bad that i could not contnue the conversation and had to gently hang up.  I love her very much but I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with her negativity and accusitory finger in my direction when I have done nothing wrong.  How would you all handle?  Should I try killing her with kindness and see if that works?  I would like to have an easy and loving relationship if it is at all possible since I'm guessing her time on this earth is limited.  but she makes is almost impossible.........


----------



## Hazel (May 1, 2011)

Sibi - 

I'm so sorry to hear of this sad situation. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can say to please your mother. All I can say is that when I experienced something similar with both my grandmother and a great-aunt I just bit my tongue and tried to ignore it. Yes, it was hurtful but I knew I had a limited time with them. After they were gone, I was glad I never replied in a hurtful manner. I did the best I could for them and tried to remember the good times. Now I can look back and be happy that I never retaliated to what they said.

eta: Just keep in mind that *you *haven't done anything wrong.


----------



## agriffin (May 1, 2011)

Kill her with kindness. 

And when she passes you will know that you did everything you could for her...that you were there for her.  Even if she treats you horribly.  

That's what I would try to do.  However...a person can only take so much.  But I think I would try my hardest.

I'm sorry you're going through this.  

T&P, 
Amanda


----------



## Sibi (May 1, 2011)

Hazel and Amanda,

Thanks for the advise.  You all are right of course and I knew this, it's just sooooo hard sometimes. And sometimes it reaks havoc on my psyche....but I know it's the right thing to do.  Because come the day that she passes from this life to the next, I know I will have done right by her and caused her no grief or anguish.  But it hurts nonetheless.

I just spoke to her and I could feel her steering the conversation in a bad direction but I kept asking her questions about how she was feeling and lending a sympathetic ear and this seemed to quell her negative outbursts.  Maybe I can try this for a while and it'll keep working.  She started to have a terrible coughing fit though and was in much pain though and had to hang up.  I wish she didn't have to suffer, it makes me sad. :cry: 

Please kieep her in your prayers....her name is Sylvia too.

Sibi


----------



## Hazel (May 1, 2011)

I'll keep you both in my prayers. I wish there was something I could say that would make it easier for you.


----------



## Dragonkaz (May 2, 2011)

I'm so sorry for your Mum and the affect this terrible disease will have on her family and friends.

My Mum had a blaming (jealous) nature and we had spent most of our lives disagreeing ... and having some major fights.  My Mum was diagnosed with cancer in 2009, a year after my wonderful hubby died from cancer.  I had to be so careful of what I said to my Mum ... because not only was I trying not to buy into any arguments and being as kind as I could ... I was also fighting my feelings about this horrible disease and the difference between the way my hubby fought to stay alive, whereas my mother appeared to be waiting to die.

I travelled to New Zealand to visit my Mum after she was diagnosed, and the next time I saw her was six hours before she died.  I'd flown home to New Zealand and went directly to be with her ... and although I'd told her not to wait for me ... and all that kinda stuff ... she did!

I'm so happy that I can look back over Mum's final 12 months and know that at all times I was kind, encouraging and hopefully helping Mum to feel better about the people she was leaving behind in this world.

Sadly you'll have tough times ... but keep focused on making this the best time possible for your Mum!

Take good care of yourself ... and remember that crying is healthy!  Plus find a close friend to debriefing with ... it really does help!


----------



## agriffin (May 2, 2011)

I'll be praying for you, Sibi!  Be strong!


----------



## Catmehndi (May 2, 2011)

Having lost both my parents to cancer, I will wish you luck, strength and patience. 
Your mom is probably very scared and it comes out the wrong way. Be kind, be patient, try not to take it too personally and send her thoughts of love and healing.
Good luck, try to stay strong and positive.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

hugs


----------



## Sibi (May 2, 2011)

Thank you everybody for the really good advise...you guys rock!!  My mother has been a difficult person ALL her life, this is nothing new.  But I do need to remember that she is fighting for her life and she will have many bad days to come.  I will pray for her and support her in any way I can and hope that she tries to stay positive which will certainly help her prognosis.  I will have to muster up the strength to put my feelings of anger and hurt aside and transform all that crap into good.  OMG, this will be hard.  Dragonkaz,  I hope to have the same outcome as you did.

Thanks for your prayers everyone...they are definitely appreciated!!


----------



## Traceyann (May 2, 2011)

Sibi, you could also google and find out if there is a pallative care organisation in your area , they will be able to help u out in all sorts of ways


----------



## Marianne1 (May 3, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear about your situation ,I'm sure it is not easy. I have had the privilege of helping a great aunt during a terrible illness  and a grandmother in the last few months of their life. It seemed to me they were the hardest on their most supportive of loved ones. It was like they knew that person would and could take anything they threw their way.I really thought that they were grateful to have someone they could truly share all of their illness  the beauty and the coarseness. You who can put aside yourself even to the point of personal pain to support someone you love are so inspiring.


----------



## Woodi (May 7, 2011)

So sorry to hear you're suffering. We have a lot in common, you and I.

 I just lost my own mother (she turned 84 in February) but was a feisty, strong soul, determined to live long and hard). She drove me nuts too, always pushing me to do _this _rather than *that*....*that *rather than _this_. I felt she was so bossy, always wanting her way, couldn't even SEE my side of things, or didn't want to, or maybe just couldn't....just brushed me aside so she could repaint me with her, bigger brush.

ANYWAY..... because I had avoided visiting her for over a month (she and my father lived in a nearby nursing home).....I was always in my head, imagining a perfect conversation with her....ya know? the kind where you both apologize for all the hurtful things you said or did to one another, then you fall into one another's arms in a big hug, expressing your tenderest heartfelt love,  and all is forgiven and forgotten, so you can start afresh......*that one*: know it?

Well then, on March 20th, the morning of that BIG MOON,  I get a call at 6AM saying "your mother died this morning".

I did a double take; it took several long minutes for it to sink in.

I cannot tell you all the thoughts that went through my mind, beginning with denial: "No, she couldn't die; I was coming to visit her today, at long last.....no! she was too strong-willed; she didn't want to, wasn't ready;*I* wasn't ready..... nor all the pains that shot through my body for the next two weeks....

It has been a very difficult six weeks.

I never got my perfect goodbye. Never got to say to her all the things I had always wanted to say (about how much I love her, despite everything (on both our parts), to thank her for raising me, etc....

and then it was too late. Let me tell you: there is no second chance, once the last breath is breathed. I stood by her dead corpse at 8AM, telling her anyway. I felt pathetic. It was too late, I felt like a super-coward.
I realized then and there that it had been my ego, my own judgmental mind, which was preventing me from reaching over all the pain to just be with her in kindness and simplicity. I had wanted to be there with her for her last breath. But it came too fast.

I apologize if this sounds more like my story than yours; but if anything good can come of my last six weeks of painful grief, I'm hoping to give you an opportunity to spare yourself the extra suffering, created by one's own over-active imagination.

Just spill over with kindness towards her; let it be all about her and her needs, not about yours. Then when it comes your time to die, maybe someone will be as kind to you in return. (What goes around comes around). Good luck. My heart is with you.


----------



## Sibi (May 7, 2011)

Marianne1 said:
			
		

> I'm sorry to hear about your situation ,I'm sure it is not easy. I have had the privilege of helping a great aunt during a terrible illness  and a grandmother in the last few months of their life. It seemed to me they were the hardest on their most supportive of loved ones. It was like they knew that person would and could take anything they threw their way.I really thought that they were grateful to have someone they could truly share all of their illness  the beauty and the coarseness. You who can put aside yourself even to the point of personal pain to support someone you love are so inspiring.



Marianne,

It does seem that way doesn't it.....those family members who are the most supportive get the brunt of their anger, frustration, etc.  Perhaps they just need to let it out and the most supportive family members are generally the ones who just always happen to be around.  I guess since i've never been gravely ill it is hard for me to know how I would react.  The truth about my mother though is that she's been a difficult person throughout her life.  Sometimes she's real nice with a big heart, and other times she is nasty, selfish, and wantng to pick fights.  My mom is sorta like a box of chocolates......ya never know what you're going to get    But to put her at ease and keep myself sane and grounded I will be nothing but nice and just let the other crap roll over my shoulder.  It's hard though isn't it?

Sibi


----------



## Sibi (May 7, 2011)

Woodi said:
			
		

> So sorry to hear you're suffering. We have a lot in common, you and I.
> 
> I just lost my own mother (she turned 84 in February) but was a feisty, strong soul, determined to live long and hard). She drove me nuts too, always pushing me to do _this _rather than *that*....*that *rather than _this_. I felt she was so bossy, always wanting her way, couldn't even SEE my side of things, or didn't want to, or maybe just couldn't....just brushed me aside so she could repaint me with her, bigger brush.
> 
> ...



Diane,

Your post managed to make me cry :cry:   I DO know the conversation you are talking about, very well.  It's one i've yearned for all my life.  a normal, loving conversation with my mom where feelings are put out there on the table and there is no fighting, drama or bitterness.  A few years back I forgave my mother for some stuff that happened in my childhood which made my childhood sad.  Not all of it mind you, but parts of it.  So I'm not holding onto any of that stuff, it's forgiven and I really don't ever think about it....what's the point?  My mom's personality however and her selfishness have only worsened with age rather than softened.  And that's what makes my relationship with her so hard.  The fact that I'm my Dad's favorite doesn't help any either.  

I will be kind to my mother and tell her I love her but really there is nothing else I can say that is positive that will come out of my mouth with ease.  I guess it's something I will have to work on.  The one thing I could say is tell her that i have always wished for a closer relationship with her but if I say that then she will ask why I didn't make that happen and then there will be the whole can of worms to spill out, you see?  NOT about my past but about the negative and selfish way that she is.  And I don't want to hurt her so........  For now I will comfort and provide support and love.  And if I'm lucky, she will start that conversation I've always wanted  

Sibi


----------



## Sibi (May 7, 2011)

I just spoke to my mom on the phnoe and she told me about the outpouring of attention, and small acts of kindness from the parishioners of her church and it has truly restored her faith in humankind and made me soooo happy.  These people are bringing my parents food, spending time with my mom while she's in the hospital, praying for her, talking to her and comforting her, etc.  She sounded sooo happy today!  She was also thrilled with the card my son sent her for mother's day...he wrote some really sweet stuff and she is very touched.  My son has a big heart and is very spiritual and it shows through his messges.  I'm feeling so much better right now.....Hope I can hold on to this for a long while.


----------



## Hazel (May 7, 2011)

This sounds great. I hope the visits and her happiness will continue. It would make it easier on you.


----------

