# Should I Apologize?



## donniej (Sep 21, 2009)

I started dating a girl when I was in my early 20's, and I was very immature at that.  I was with her for about 3 years.  I'm now in my mid 30's and after having years to reflect upon my younger, dumber days, I realize how poorly I treated her.  I have not had any contact with her since we broke up.  

I think I found her on a social networking site and she's now married with children.  I'm not interested in getting back together with her and to be blunt, I doubt we'd want to be friends either.  I do however think that apologizing for how I treated her is the right thing to do but I don't want to potentially open any old wounds or cause her any distress.  The only reason I'm debating contacting her is because I don't want to do it if it could cause her "more harm than its worth".  

What do you think?  Do I contact her, or is she better off if I just leave it alone?


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## JenniferSews (Sep 21, 2009)

Having been on the receiving end, I say it's more harm than it's worth.  Chances are good she's healed by now and has obviously moved on.  Those apologies always come across to me as an open door or invitation.  Most likely she's old enough now to realize you were both young.


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## Healinya (Sep 21, 2009)

I have seen this played out with four different friends. It all went the same way. You can send her a hello note, and let her know you were thinking of her, happy to see her happily married with kids. You just wanted to send her a quick note and let her know you were a jerk back then and want to say sorry, for what's it's worth (in your own words, of course - "I don't know what i was thinking back then" is a good one lol)
She will most likely in a polite but curt manner say 'yes, you were a jerk, thank you for apologizing, take care'.  She won't be all smiles and thrills to you about it, but she may really appreciate it in her own way. Good luck


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## kittywings (Sep 21, 2009)

I agree with the last post, I think she'd ultimately appreciate it.


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## Saltysteele (Sep 21, 2009)

i'd say let her keep thinking you're a jerk (which you admit you were), and leave it at that.

she's happy now, and why take the chance of upsetting her again.  she could be grateful, or she could have a complete relapse dredging up hard feelings that may have long since been buried.


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## ChrissyB (Sep 21, 2009)

Donnie I think your intentions are noble, but at the end of the day I think it will cause her more pain than it needs to. It might reopen old wounds.
And I think even though it may make you feel better, it won't necessarily have the same effect for her.
Chances are she's grown up some too, and realises that you were both young and people make mistakes. She's moved on and gotten married and had children, so it's not like she locked herself in her house and never moved on with her life.
Nice thought, but I'd let sleeping dogs lie.


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## Wax Munky (Sep 21, 2009)

I'd leave it and her alone...Live and learn.

You never know on the off chance her husband might be some bouncer at a bar..Might hit you and hurt ya..Only because it was you and you alone that made it impossible for him to get away with any of that stuff today..



Munky.


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## Sibi (Sep 21, 2009)

It's funny that you've written this post because I was on the receiving end of something just like this.  Right before I met my husband I was dating a guy that was 5 years my junior (not much really but when you're 21 and 26 it feels like more).  I was totally in love with him and thought that he was in love with me too.  We had only been dating for about 4-5 months when he broke it off with me in a real nasty way and was a TOTAL jerk. I was devasted for a few days (didn't take me that long to get over it) and my life moved on.  I met my husband and we got married.  About 1 year after was married I get a phone call from this ex-boyfriend apologizing for his behavior.  I totally wasn't expecting it! It was nice to hear but in all honesty I had already moved on and didn't really care one way or the other.  In fact, right after the phone call my husband came in wanting to know who was on the phone......yikes!!!

So, if I were you I would let sleeping dogs lay..........


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## ChrissyB (Sep 21, 2009)

Yep, I'm with you Sibi, I think it might cause more problems for her than it's worth.
Apologise to her in your heart and make peace with yourself Donnie.


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## Bnky (Sep 21, 2009)

I would say do not contact her, especially if she is married.  But, if you happen to run into her at some point in time, it would be nice to say hi and apologize for the past.


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## Deda (Sep 21, 2009)

Sibi said:
			
		

> you're 21 and 26 it feels like more



Hussy


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## Guest (Sep 21, 2009)

I would say let bygones be bygones . Deep down inside  you are sorry  for the way you treated her ,  that is all that matters . 

Kudos for wanting to apologize .

Kitn


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## artisan soaps (Sep 21, 2009)

..


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## IanT (Sep 21, 2009)

kittywings said:
			
		

> I agree with the last post, I think she'd ultimately appreciate it.



Agreed


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## Rosey (Sep 21, 2009)

I've been on the receiving end and honestly, I would appreciate a note. 

For me, it wouldn't open wounds but give me closure and make me feel better about myself.


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## Mandarin (Sep 21, 2009)

Having been on the receiving end of a total jerk, if he were to contact me now, I would be gracious and accept his apology. I am happily married and want nothing else, but the fact that a person from my past recognizes how rotten he was and acknowledges it to me in an apology, well, I would appreciate the gesture.


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## TessC (Sep 22, 2009)

Having received a similar apology from a long-forgotten ex-boyfriend, I personally wish he'd just left me alone. It was a guy I dated in my early 20's, he was a flaming jerk and treated me like garbage, but I've been over it for a very long time.

 His sudden apology out of nowhere felt a little bit creepy, and was really pretty annoying because I didn't appreciate hearing from him. We're not ever going to be friends and we're never going to run into each other socially, so I really didn't get his reasoning behind tracking me down unless it was to ease his own conscience. If anything, it brought back some of the anger and dislike, because I hadn't thought of him in years prior to his apology email and phone call. 

Every situation (and every woman) is different, so I don't think there's any one-size-fits-all answer, but I'm definitely in the "leave her be" category.


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## Sibi (Sep 22, 2009)

Deda said:
			
		

> Sibi said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Yep, I loved EVERY minute of it.  Now if only I could snag myself another 20something again.....sweet


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## dagmar88 (Sep 22, 2009)

I always used to be the jerk. I'd fall in love really fast, have a great time, get bored and dump the guy. Or find some new and interesting yummies before I dumped the first one, just so I didn't have to go through all the drama.
Now normally that's how a lot of men treat women, but when you turn it around  :shock: 
And I did have some guys that seemed to have gotten over it, I appologised really to feel better myself.... They start crying, say omg you must have changed; when can we meet again? Uhhh... like, never?
 :roll: You can guess, now stories go round what a bitch I still am   

Not a good idea...


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## dandelion (Sep 22, 2009)

kittywings said:
			
		

> I agree with the last post, I think she'd ultimately appreciate it.


 I agree also as long as you make your motive perfectly clear.  I myself would love an apology from my ex husband, even if it came on my dying day, or even better his


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## gekko62 (Sep 22, 2009)

Whilst I think it admirable you feel the need to apologise to this girl for your past behaviour,I think you need to ask what would be gained by it all,& who would really benefit.Perhaps you would feel better for having done so,but an out of the blue apology might throw this girl for six or be upsetting. Move on,& just resolve that,because you're a different person now you'll treat people differently in the future.


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## vivcarm (Sep 23, 2009)

I think leave it well be, I think that as she is happily married you did her a favour, you made her realise how she wanted to be treated, and wouldn't stand for anything less. I know it worked for me. An ex got in touch with me and it felt really creeepy. Sometimes you just have to realise that you were a jerk and move on. Are you wanting to apologise to make you feel better or her, if it is for you, forget it.


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## ewepootoo (Sep 23, 2009)

I was a jerk in my 20's and did and said some things that I regret but I would never contact any of these ladies from my past as it may give me a warm fuzzy feeling to apologize I suspect that it would not be mutual. If you come out of the woodwork now and apologize then this girl will surely be worried about your intention's. She may think that you would want to rekindle your relationship and will worry that her hubby might not be understanding of your sudden appearance. Best just look back and think, yes I was a jerk but now I am a nice person and dont attempt to contact her.


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## Healinya (Sep 23, 2009)

After reading everyone else's opinions, I guess she doesn't need to hear from you. And while I'm not disagreeing with anyone, I do want to just chime in quickly that tracking down someone's home address and phone number is not the same 'creepy' as sending someone a facebook message. For one thing, on facebook you can just ignore the person.... but still, I guess it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.


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