# A need for levity



## bookreader451 (Mar 17, 2020)

Okay we all need a good belly laugh right about now.  How about  we all find a cute joke and post it? 

I'll start and it's a groaner!!

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

The fly didn’t stand a chance.


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## Kcryss (Mar 17, 2020)

I agree. We all need a little humor. Here is my all time favorite clean joke. 

*How to Bathe a Cat - FLUSH 'N FLUFF*
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.
4. In one very quick smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
   CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

   Sincerely,

   The Dog


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## AliOop (Mar 18, 2020)

This is copied and pasted from the Babylon Bee, a favorite satire site of mine that pokes fun at all sides of a variety of issues.

Local Southern Baptist pastor Pete Harrison resigned in disgrace earlier this week after admitting that he doesn't like eating casseroles.
The scandal unfolded after a church congregant unearthed comments made by Harrison in a recorded sermon over 10 years ago, in which Harrison said he preferred "something healthy like a nice garden salad" to "fatty, unhealthy casseroles."

Dozens of angered church members stormed Harrison's home with pitchforks and torches hastily assembled out of the church's unused front pew, demanding answers. The pastor emerged, frightened and sheepish, and made a statement.

"I apologize to all those I've hurt," he mumbled as several elderly church ladies began fashioning a Molotov cocktail to throw through his window. "It's clear to me now that I'm unfit for ministry. Please accept my resignation, and for the love of all that is holy, don't hurt me!"

The church members reportedly backed down after Pastor Pete began handing out coupons for 15% off a Golden Corral lunch or dinner to quell the uprising.

Harrison is weighing his options but will likely end up back in ministry at a salad-friendly denomination such as the PCUSA or the Unitarian Universalists.


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## Misschief (Mar 18, 2020)




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## AliOop (Mar 19, 2020)

*Romantic Text Message*
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. 

One afternoon, the wife, who was the romantic one in the relationship, decided to send her husband this text message: 

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. 
If you are laughing, send me your smile. 
If you are eating, send me a bite. 
If you are drinking, send me a sip. 
If you are crying, send me your tears. 
I love you."

The husband texted back to her: 

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."


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## AliOop (Mar 19, 2020)

This old list of puns still makes me laugh.

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


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## lsg (Mar 19, 2020)




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## Sally Scheibner (Mar 19, 2020)

No problem.... She had probably been putting up with ‘said’ s.....for a long time. (RE: he was not the romantic )

Hope I didn’t overstep the bounds. Let me know.


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## dixiedragon (Mar 19, 2020)

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I literally JUST GOT THIS. I always took it literally, as in, if you throw a piece of fruit it flies like a banana would fly. I thought the humor was that it was such a nonsensical statement. 

But now I actually get the pun - Fruit flies (the insect) like (enjoy) a banana. 

Sorry, I felt the need to lay it all out. Just in case I'm not the only one. (please tell me i'm not alone here lol)


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## StormyK (Mar 19, 2020)




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## Relle (Mar 20, 2020)

This might be me .


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## Ladka (Mar 20, 2020)

dixiedragon said:


> 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
> (please tell me i'm not alone here lol)


 No, you were not the only one. Thank you for the explanation.



Relle said:


> This might be me .


Or me!


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## Susie (Mar 20, 2020)

Relle said:


> This might be me .



Some days it pays to be naturally grey.  Like the lack of fighting to get into the salon when this is over.  I don't do the fake nails, either.


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## szaza (Mar 20, 2020)

Mother: dear daughter, what would you like for your birthday this year? 
Daughter: an Apple and a Blackberry
Mother: is that all?
Daughter:... 

Sorry it's a bit outdated but I think it's still funny.


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## dixiedragon (Mar 20, 2020)

Ladka said:


> No, you were not the only one. Thank you for the explanation.


You are my best friend.


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## bookreader451 (Mar 20, 2020)

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"


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## sirtim100 (Mar 20, 2020)

Now this is my kind of thread...

Given the obligation of many Spanish families to keep their children at home in view of the coronavirus crisis, these tender, loving youngsters are doing everything possible to entertain and help their parents. Here are some photos of the adorable little darlings:


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## szaza (Mar 20, 2020)

Anyone into really random humor? 

It's red and really bad for your teeth
- a brick

It's green and brown and when it falls from a tree onto your head it'll most likely be fatal 
- a pool table

It's green but it doesn't weigh much
- light green

Why isn't johnny able to swim? 
- johnny's a rock. 

Sorry I know these are too absurd for most but I enjoy them


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## Sally Scheibner (Mar 20, 2020)

Susie said:


> Some days it pays to be naturally grey.  Like the lack of fighting to get into the salon when this is over.  I don't do the fake nails, either.



I decided to never color my hair. (Mostly don’t care, hate wasting time; cut my own anyway w/ thinning shears). Got scalped by surgeon from a teeny but malignant pimple. Research & practice making my own safer shampoo bar w/hair loving oils. Use jojoba to condition. Love your natural color, don’t worry what others think.


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## Relle (Mar 21, 2020)




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## Primrose (Mar 21, 2020)

szaza said:


> It's green but it doesn't weigh much
> - light green



I particularly like this one hahaha


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## Susie (Mar 21, 2020)

Y'all know what?  I posted that about the natural grey and no fake nails one afternoon.  Literally later that day my co-workers were freaking out about not being able to get their fake eyelashes glued on or their nails done...


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## sirtim100 (Mar 21, 2020)

Susie said:


> Y'all know what?  I posted that about the natural grey and no fake nails one afternoon.  Literally later that day my co-workers were freaking out about not being able to get their fake eyelashes glued on or their nails done...



And my bikini line is just a total mess...


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## Kiti Williams (Mar 21, 2020)

What do a girl choking on a bitter glass of lemonade and an Egyptian Mummy have in common?

They both have a sour cough I guess!

Dis you here?  Frankenstein asked his ghoulfriend for her hand in marriage?

That was all he got!

I have more, if you wish to hear them!


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## Mobjack Bay (Mar 21, 2020)

A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
I have an inferiority complex, bit it’s not a very good one.
When it comes to work ethic, scarecrows are outstanding in their field.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer. Not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
If mental wards had walkways, would they be called psychopaths?
A steak pun is a rare medium well done, but sausage puns are the wurst.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.


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## Misschief (Mar 21, 2020)

***Groan***


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## szaza (Mar 21, 2020)

Mobjack Bay said:


> A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
> I have an inferiority complex, bit it’s not a very good one.
> When it comes to work ethic, scarecrows are outstanding in their field.
> I bought shoes from a drug dealer. Not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
> ...


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## atiz (Mar 21, 2020)

Not exactly my job, but close enough so it's quite funny.


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## Nona'sFarm (Mar 21, 2020)

atiz said:


> Not exactly my job, but close enough so it's quite funny.
> 
> 
> View attachment 44638


I think I get it, but could you translate to English, please?


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## atiz (Mar 21, 2020)

Nona'sFarm said:


> I think I get it, but could you translate to English, please?


With my rather limited Spanish: Philologist / Philologist in quarantine.


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## Relle (Mar 21, 2020)

It's not about what it is, it's about, that nothing has changed from the everyday job to being quarantined. Meaning they don't see anyone, whether they are quarantined or not. Both photos are the same.


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## Kiti Williams (Mar 22, 2020)

What do you get when you cross a Mummy and a Vampire?


A gift wrapped bat, or a band-aid the bites!


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## Ladka (Mar 23, 2020)

Mobjack Bay said:


> If mental wards had walkways, would they be called psychopaths?


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## lsg (Mar 23, 2020)

What can you stick between a 3 and a 4 so that the result is more than three but less than four?


(a decimal point---3.4)


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## Kiti Williams (Mar 23, 2020)

What 5 letter word when you remove 2 letters leaves 1?



Stone = one


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## Mobjack Bay (Mar 23, 2020)

For the formal COVID-19 affair:


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## Arimara (Mar 23, 2020)

Mobjack Bay said:


> For the formal COVID-19 affair:
> 
> View attachment 44699


 Strangely. I'd actually buy those as a joke.


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## penelopejane (Mar 23, 2020)




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## Mobjack Bay (Mar 23, 2020)

Arimara said:


> Strangely. I'd actually buy those as a joke.


At times like this you have time to make them!

@penelopejane 

Our governor has ordered non-essential businesses to close.  Restaurants can deliver take out or drive through.  Nail salons and gyms - closed.  The liquor stores are considered essential businesses.  I’ll drink to that (in moderation)!


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## penelopejane (Mar 24, 2020)




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## penelopejane (Mar 24, 2020)

The search continues:



but I’ll be ready when I find it:


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## Gypsybaron (Mar 24, 2020)

I'm your.....


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## penelopejane (Mar 24, 2020)

Unless you really know what you’re doing, don’t buy toilet paper online


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## KiwiMoose (Mar 24, 2020)

dixiedragon said:


> 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
> 
> I literally JUST GOT THIS. I always took it literally, as in, if you throw a piece of fruit it flies like a banana would fly. I thought the humor was that it was such a nonsensical statement.
> 
> ...


You are alone


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## Kiti Williams (Mar 25, 2020)

What lays on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?


A nervous Wreck!


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## Arimara (Mar 25, 2020)

Kiti Williams said:


> What lays on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
> 
> 
> A nervous Wreck!


I need a free photo hosting site cause the meme to express my reaction to this would have been epic. XD


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## Claire Huddle (Mar 25, 2020)

Can you be any more ambivalent? 

                             Maybe....


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## penelopejane (Mar 25, 2020)

Arimara said:


> I need a free photo hosting site cause the meme to express my reaction to this would have been epic. XD


I just download memes to my computer then upload them to the forum. Once they are uploaded you can delete them from your computer. No middleman website needed.


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## penelopejane (Mar 25, 2020)




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## dibbles (Mar 25, 2020)




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## penelopejane (Mar 26, 2020)




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## Kiti Williams (Mar 26, 2020)

How do you get down from an elephant?




You don't get down from an elephant, silly!  You get down from a duck!


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## Kari Howie (Mar 27, 2020)




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## Ladka (Mar 27, 2020)

Kiti Williams said:


> How do you get down from an elephant?
> You don't get down from an elephant, silly!  You get down from a duck!


I understood it only today ha-ha!


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## Kiti Williams (Mar 27, 2020)

Ladka said:


> I understood it only today ha-ha!




  This was a classic from my Gran!  she loved to play with words.


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## Ladka (Mar 27, 2020)

Kiti Williams said:


> This was a classic from my Gran!  she loved to play with words.


And I happen to be a granny and a linguist!


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## lsg (Mar 27, 2020)

Here are a couple of jokes I found on-line

*Marriage is like a bar of soap...*
It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it

*I used to be addicted to soap*
But I’m clean now.

*What are you if your parents soap and hard water?*
You are a scum!


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## Mobjack Bay (Mar 27, 2020)

I’m quite sure that I never watched a Justin Timberlake video before and maybe you haven’t either.  Here’s your chance!


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## Misschief (Mar 28, 2020)




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## Kiti Williams (Mar 28, 2020)

Ladka said:


> And I happen to be a granny and a linguist!




  I am a Granny and have the good fortune to have read the total Encyclopedia!  I keep reminding my family of the proper pronunciation of words!


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## Misschief (Mar 28, 2020)

Another one that came across my FB feed.


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## dibbles (Mar 28, 2020)




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## PieBorg (Mar 29, 2020)

My daughter:  You know how to count in German, don't you?

Me:  Nine.


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## penelopejane (Mar 29, 2020)




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## Arimara (Mar 29, 2020)

Misschief said:


> Another one that came across my FB feed.
> 
> View attachment 44784


That's hitting a little true to home.


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## Kiti Williams (Mar 29, 2020)

My kind of Math!


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## Kiti Williams (Mar 29, 2020)

I love this one!


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## penelopejane (Mar 30, 2020)




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## lsg (Mar 30, 2020)




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## bookreader451 (Mar 30, 2020)

lsg said:


>


You’re using too much coconut oil


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## Kiti Williams (Mar 30, 2020)

lsg said:


>



  WAY too much Coconut Oil!!!


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## Kiti Williams (Mar 30, 2020)

Let me see: 1. Practice Social Distancing.  Check.
2. Lounge around on the couch.  Check.
3. Wash thoroughly.  Check.

OMG!  I have become a CAT!


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## Kiti Williams (Mar 30, 2020)

This is how my Aunt Peg's purse was!


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## Kiti Williams (Mar 30, 2020)

An oldie but a goodie!


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## Kiti Williams (Mar 30, 2020)

We will need this to get groceries soon!


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## Kiti Williams (Mar 30, 2020)

Sometimes Parrots can be jerks!


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## lsg (Mar 30, 2020)




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## Steve85569 (Mar 30, 2020)




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## dibbles (Mar 31, 2020)




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## Arimara (Mar 31, 2020)

Kiti Williams said:


> Let me see: 1. Practice Social Distancing.  Check.
> 2. Lounge around on the couch.  Check.
> 3. Wash thoroughly.  Check.
> 
> OMG!  I have become a CAT!



Is that a bad thing?


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## penelopejane (Mar 31, 2020)




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## Kiti Williams (Mar 31, 2020)

Arimara said:


> Is that a bad thing?




  Not in the least!


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## Kiti Williams (Mar 31, 2020)

What do you call a boomerang that does not come back?





A Stick!


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## penelopejane (Mar 31, 2020)




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## JuliaNegusuk (Apr 1, 2020)

How about this for your amusement....


SPELL CHECKER

Eye halve a spelling checker; 
It came with my pea sea. 
It plainly marks four my revue, 
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. 

Eye strike a key and type a word, 
And weight four it two say, 
Weather eye am wrong oar write; 
It shows me strait a weigh. 

As soon as a mist ache is maid, 
It nose bee fore two long. 
And eye can put the error rite; 
Its rare lea ever wrong. 

Eye have run this poem threw it; 
I am shore your pleased two no, 
Its letter perfect awl the weigh. 
My spell checker tolled me sew !



What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?  Doug.

What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?  Douglas.

What's orange and goes up and down?  A carrot in a lift.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.


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## atiz (Apr 1, 2020)

Sorry Scotland, but I thought this was hilarious....


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## Kiti Williams (Apr 1, 2020)

What do you call a cow that has just given birth?

De-calf-inated!


What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!


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## lsg (Apr 1, 2020)

What did the Momma buffalo say to her young one who was leaving home?

Bi son


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## Kiti Williams (Apr 1, 2020)

What do you call a cow with only 2 legs?

Lean Beef!

If Mummys could eat, what breakfast cereal would they like?

Shrouded Wheat!


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## atiz (Apr 1, 2020)

Online teaching....


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## Arimara (Apr 1, 2020)

JuliaNegusuk said:


> How about this for your amusement....
> 
> 
> SPELL CHECKER
> ...


I hate to ruin a joke but I can't read this. I tried reading it out loud, which is hard for me and I still don't understand what this says. Can someone please tell me what this says


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## BattleGnome (Apr 1, 2020)

Arimara said:


> I hate to ruin a joke but I can't read this. I tried reading it out loud, which is hard for me and I still don't understand what this says. Can someone please tell me what this says



it’s making fun of how many words in the English language sound the same but have different meanings. It adds a layer of “the computer doesn’t know what you’re saying, just if it’s wrong”

the first stanza:
I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC
It plainly marks for me to review
Mistakes I cannot see


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## Arimara (Apr 1, 2020)

BattleGnome said:


> it’s making fun of how many words in the English language sound the same but have different meanings. It adds a layer of “the computer doesn’t know what you’re saying, just if it’s wrong”
> 
> the first stanza:
> I have a spelling checker
> ...


Last year February, I would have been able to understand this but as it stands now, apparently I literally can't read jokes like this. I think I'll email my speech therapist on it. Thanks for explaining a bit of it.


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## Saffron (Apr 2, 2020)

sing to the tune of  Do(e), a deer, a female deer... as in the video below     "wash - your hands - use lots of *SOAP*....don't let the virus spreaaaaaad..."


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## lsg (Apr 2, 2020)




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## PieBorg (Apr 2, 2020)




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## penelopejane (Apr 2, 2020)

Very funny video about a dog in isolation. 
Language warning but it is funny.


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## Kiti Williams (Apr 2, 2020)

There are 28, or more Common Phrases in this picture.  I will post my answers tomorrow.


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## penelopejane (Apr 3, 2020)

Sorry, I started to write them down but realised that would annoy some people. I have found 14.


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## Kiti Williams (Apr 3, 2020)

We can all do 2, how is that?


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## IrishLass (Apr 3, 2020)

So far I have 16.


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## Relle (Apr 4, 2020)




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## penelopejane (Apr 4, 2020)




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## Kiti Williams (Apr 4, 2020)

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up?

It was 2 tired!

When does a joke become a "Dad" joke?

When it becomes a parent.


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## lsg (Apr 4, 2020)




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## Saffron (Apr 5, 2020)

He mentions Soap!


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## Kiti Williams (Apr 5, 2020)

Kiti Williams said:


> There are 28, or more Common Phrases in this picture.  I will post my answers tomorrow.



Here are the ones I found for this picture.

1. Heart on his sleeve,
2. Ace up his sleeve,
3. holding his cards close to his chest,
4. all of your eggs on one basket,
5. walking on eggshells,
6. time flies,
7. red herring,
8. big cheese,
9. on a silver platter,
10. ear worm,
11. stiff upper lip,
12. tied himself into a knot,
13. spill the beans or tea?
14. kick the bucket,
15. born with a silver spoon,
16. rags to riches,
17. Hit the nail on the head
18. bald as a coot,
19. cold feet,
20. pull your socks up,
21. no omelet without breaking an egg,
22. hard nut to crack,
23. in a nutshell,
24. cat got his tongue,
25. knock your socks off,
26. cherry on top,
27. Cat by the tail
28. piece of cake


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## Relle (Apr 5, 2020)




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## penelopejane (Apr 6, 2020)

Kiti Williams said:


> Here are the ones I found for this picture.
> 
> 1. Heart on his sleeve,
> 2. Ace up his sleeve,
> ...


Scared of his own shadow?


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## lsg (Apr 6, 2020)




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## Kari Howie (Apr 6, 2020)




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## Arimara (Apr 6, 2020)

Kiti Williams said:


> Here are the ones I found for this picture.
> 
> 1. Heart on his sleeve,
> 2. Ace up his sleeve,
> ...


I was totally not going to try. This was posted in a FB group as a type of exercise but I can't recall these sayings.
.


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## Saffron (Apr 6, 2020)

Relle said:


> View attachment 44965


Need one of those for my DS


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## Kiti Williams (Apr 6, 2020)

penelopejane said:


> View attachment 44969




  Good one!  I also thought of "Well heeled".



Arimara said:


> I was totally not going to try. This was posted in a FB group as a type of exercise but I can't recall these sayings.
> .



  Most of these are used in the USA.  Being Born with a silver spoon in your mouth indicates A rich or wealthy parentage.  Holding your cards close to your chest implies that you don't show everything you intend.  This is a gambling phrase.


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## Arimara (Apr 6, 2020)

Kiti Williams said:


> Most of these are used in the USA.  Being Born with a silver spoon in your mouth indicates A rich or wealthy parentage.  Holding your cards close to your chest implies that you don't show everything you intend.  This is a gambling phrase.


I'm American. I have heard the phrases before but I can't connect pictures to them.


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## penelopejane (Apr 6, 2020)

Some of you might not find this funny:


But everyone will connect with this:


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## Steve85569 (Apr 6, 2020)

Kari Howie said:


> View attachment 44975



And I thought it was soap....
Must be getting bored.

I wonder if I can make Lego soap bars?.....


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## penelopejane (Apr 8, 2020)




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## Arimara (Apr 8, 2020)

penelopejane said:


> View attachment 45003



That would honestly sell out too fast to bother...


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## penelopejane (Apr 8, 2020)

Our local supermarket has obviously given up on the idea of toilet paper.  This morning the toilet paper shelves were stocked with bottles of mineral water! Seriously.


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## IrishLass (Apr 8, 2020)

penelopejane said:


> Our local supermarket has obviously given up on the idea of toilet paper.  This morning the toilet paper shelves were stocked with bottles of mineral water! Seriously.



Maybe it's their way of suggesting you use it as a bidet?


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## penelopejane (Apr 8, 2020)

SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.


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## Misschief (Apr 9, 2020)

From one of our Canadian "treasures", Ron James.

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=1262107040662241

(tried to embed the video but that didn't work)


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## Relle (Apr 16, 2020)

Just remember -  Know matter how much chocolate you eat -  your earrings will still fit .


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## dibbles (Apr 16, 2020)




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## Kiti Williams (Apr 17, 2020)

Why are Dentists always so sad?



They are always looking Down in the Mouth!

What time do you see the Dentist? 

Tooth Hurty  (2:30)!

What do you get when you cross a Cantaloupe with Lassie's pup?

You get a Mellon Collie baby


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## Misschief (Apr 17, 2020)

Here's a fun one. There are 73 cocktails in this picture.





A few to get you started (and, no, I haven't found them all):
1. Grasshopper
2. Mudslide
3. Fuzzy Navel


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## penelopejane (Apr 18, 2020)

Misschief said:


> Here's a fun one. There are 73 cocktails in this picture.
> View attachment 45190
> 
> 
> ...


Gee I only know 3 cocktails at the most! 
(none of which you mentioned!)


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## atiz (Apr 18, 2020)




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## Arimara (Apr 18, 2020)

Relle said:


> Just remember -  Know matter how much chocolate you eat -  your earrings will still fit .


You reminded me I could use a scale. I want to make sure I'm not gaining or losing weight.



Misschief said:


> Here's a fun one. There are 73 cocktails in this picture.
> View attachment 45190
> 
> 
> ...


My Answers are blue. Is there a Banshee cocktail?


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## Misschief (Apr 18, 2020)

Arimara said:


> My Answers are blue. Is there a Banshee cocktail?


Apparently there is, yes.


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## DKing (Apr 18, 2020)

Im seeing a few so far.  Lemon Drop, Buccaneer, highball, Zombie, Mudslide, Snakebite, Greyhound, Screaming Banshee, Godfather, Sidecar, Bamboo


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## Arimara (Apr 18, 2020)

There's a screaming orgasm in there too, I think. I don't drink all these things to know.


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## dibbles (Apr 18, 2020)

Scorpion, Screwdriver, Blue Hawaii, Hurricane and maybe Moscow Mule?


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## Kiti Williams (Apr 18, 2020)

Misschief said:


> Here's a fun one. There are 73 cocktails in this picture.
> View attachment 45190
> 
> 
> ...



  Tahitian Sunset/Sunrise
  A Side Car - additional booze for the drink
  White Widow


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## Misschief (Apr 18, 2020)

Arimara said:


> There's a screaming orgasm in there too, I think. I don't drink all these things to know.


There's also a Slow Comfortable Screw Against the Wall. No, I didn't know that; my husband asked if there was one. He used to be a bartender and it was, apparently, a popular drink in some circles. I've never had one (the drink, I mean).


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## Arimara (Apr 18, 2020)

Misschief said:


> There's also a Slow Comfortable Screw Against the Wall. No, I didn't know that; my husband asked if there was one. He used to be a bartender and it was, apparently, a popular drink in some circles. I've never had one (the drink, I mean).


I can't exactly drink anymore. I could but alcohol + brain damage does not mix well.


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## BattleGnome (Apr 18, 2020)

No one mentioned grasshopper, green fairy (that I thought was just absinthe), Shirley temple, purple haze,Arnold Palmer, kamikaze


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## Misschief (Apr 18, 2020)

Lemon Drop
Harvey Wallbanger


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## lsg (Apr 20, 2020)




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## Kiti Williams (Apr 20, 2020)

On a Vet's sign: If you don't tell you cat about catnip, who will?


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## AliOop (Apr 20, 2020)




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## AliOop (Apr 20, 2020)




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## Kiti Williams (Apr 21, 2020)

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?



Pilgrims


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## penelopejane (Apr 22, 2020)




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## lsg (Apr 23, 2020)




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## dibbles (Apr 23, 2020)




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## Relle (Apr 25, 2020)

It's Ground Hog day again.

What if this quarantine is just the Aliens fattening us up before the big Harvest.


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## Misschief (Apr 25, 2020)

How to make a face mask.... Easy peasy!

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>


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## lsg (Apr 28, 2020)




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## penelopejane (Apr 28, 2020)




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## dibbles (May 3, 2020)




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## Kiti Williams (May 4, 2020)




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## Kiti Williams (May 4, 2020)




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## penelopejane (May 5, 2020)




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## dibbles (May 5, 2020)

Misschief said:


> How to make a face mask.... Easy peasy!


Oh, this is so me.


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## Arimara (May 6, 2020)

Kiti Williams said:


> If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
> 
> 
> 
> Pilgrims


Bees. They bring bees.... ☠


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## lsg (May 6, 2020)




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## Claire Huddle (May 6, 2020)

Misschief said:


> How to make a face mask.... Easy peasy!
> 
> <iframe width="560" height="315" src="" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>



Oh, Kay! I'm so glad I watched this. She's hilarious, a blond Aunt Betty. Thanks for the laughs, there where a LOT of them!


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## Kiti Williams (May 8, 2020)

A well to do guy is traveling 80 mph in his Porsche down a country lane.  He sees something rapidly approaching him in his rear view mirror.  The thing turns out to be a chicken, running past him.  He increases his speed and clocks the chicken doing 95 mph!  The chicken has past him and runs up a driveway to a farm.  The man follows and sees  chickens all running around in a blur on the property.  He goes up to the farmer and asks him about the chickens, and that one out ran his car.  The farmer tells him, "Well, in my household there is a great demand for chicken legs, so I breed 3 legged chickens." The man asks how they taste, to this the farmer replies, "I don't know, I have never caught one."


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## Kamahido (May 8, 2020)

Two peanuts walked into a bar. They were asalted. They had it coming.


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## lsg (May 9, 2020)




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## Kiti Williams (May 9, 2020)

In Egypt Cats were revered as gods, cats have never forgotten this.


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## Steve85569 (May 22, 2020)

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!”

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron.” The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive.”

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication...

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because,” he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.”

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


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## Misschief (May 28, 2020)

This one came across my FB feed, thanks to a co-member of the DIY Bath & Body Group. I've watched it twice now; the first time, my husband was asleep and I had to muffle my laughter. I watched it again today, with John, and I laughed even harder.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>


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## atiz (May 28, 2020)




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## penelopejane (Jul 17, 2020)

Something to do with the toilet paper you overbought...


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## TashaBird (Oct 11, 2020)

Howl-O-ween! I just put up decorations because, dang it, we’re gonna have some fun if it’s the last thing we do!


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## penelopejane (Dec 26, 2020)




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## penelopejane (Dec 26, 2020)




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## TashaBird (Dec 26, 2020)




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## AliOop (Dec 26, 2020)




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## TashaBird (Dec 26, 2020)

didn’t realize I’d collected a few soap memes.


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## TashaBird (Dec 27, 2020)




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## TashaBird (Dec 27, 2020)

O goodness I found the app I need for 2020! App Lets You Destress By Screaming Into Icelandic Wilderness


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## lsg (Dec 27, 2020)

Divorce Joke from Ray Stevens
A few days before Christmas, a man calls up his son in Florida and tells him that his mother and he are getting a divorce.  The boy replies, "Dad, you have been married to Mom for fifty years."  The man says, "I don't care, I have had enough."  His son answers with, "Dad, my wife and I will be up there on the next plane.  Don't do anything until we get there."  His Dad agrees to wait and they hang up.  The father turns to his wife and says, "Good news honey, the kids are coming for Christmas and we don't even have to pay for their tickets."


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## dibbles (Jan 6, 2021)




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## AliOop (Jan 7, 2021)

These are oldies but I still love 'em.

*Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational 2005 which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.  *

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******. 

3 Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. 

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the earth explodes and it's a serious bummer. 

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action. 

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


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