# When someone calls you an "old lady" for making soap



## galaxyMLP (Apr 7, 2015)

So yeah, I make soap. Probably could've guessed that since I'm on this forum!

I work at a chemical plant and have all male co-workers. Some time ago after about 6 months of working there, one of my co-workers (the youngest, only one year older than me) said "you're like an old lady, you make soap, and you have dogs". FYI I'm 22 YO

I told him "well, I don't think soap making makes me an old lady and anyone can have dogs"

Secretly I just think he was jealous that people were actually interested in me talking about my soap making and old puppies. 

I guess even though I shouldn't care, it still didn't exactly feel good. What actually upset me the most was that he used the term "old lady" like it was a bad thing to age. I think having my soap making hobby, a full time job, selling my soap (gradually and carefully), having 2 dogs, and being in a relationship are fantasic. If that makes me an "old lady" then thats just fine by me!

Anyone else have to deal with soapmaker stigmas?


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## The Efficacious Gentleman (Apr 7, 2015)

Not directly.  People who speak with me are generally very interested in the whole idea.  I have seen some talk about Old Ladies regarding making soap, but as old ladies are pretty awesome, I take it with a good nature.


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## galaxyMLP (Apr 7, 2015)

Peoples eyes often glaze over when I start talking about soap. The chemist in me really comes out and I start to explain things in waay too much detail. Every once in a while though, you meet people who are like that too. Even if its not with soap. I met a legal brewer of whiskey this weekend and as he explained all of the chemistry/ steps he goes through and I showed interest he was giddy with excitement. 

And yes, old ladies rock!


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## Susie (Apr 7, 2015)

Always remember that there are idiots in the world, and they often open their mouths before their brain is engaged.  Ignore and move on.  He probably wanted you to be interested in him, and when you weren't, he said the ugliest thing he could think of.

ETA-He sounds incredibly immature, so it is good he showed his true colors like that.


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## shunt2011 (Apr 7, 2015)

I agree with Susie, there are a lot of idiots out there.  I would just let it roll off your shoulders.   Tell him about the little girl who started her own soap business (The Little Bubble ) I think she's like 10 years old.  If that makes her an old lady I'll eat my hat.  LOL    I've never had anyone tell me I was like an old lady because I'm a soapmaker.   I am getting old though and I feel old too a lot of days.

Just be proud of what your're doing and have fun.


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## galaxyMLP (Apr 7, 2015)

Thanks guys! I'm really liking all of the people on this forum. I feel like I'm learning about more than just soap.


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## ozarkscents (Apr 7, 2015)

galaxyMLP said:


> So yeah, I make soap. Probably could've guessed that since I'm on this forum!
> 
> I work at a chemical plant and have all male co-workers. Some time ago after about 6 months of working there, one of my co-workers (the youngest, only one year older than me) said "you're like an old lady, you make soap, and you have dogs".



Hahaha! I AM an old lady of 68 and I have eight dogs AND I make soap! :-D

So they can call me an old lady if they want and I'm proud to have made it this far!


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## DeeAnna (Apr 7, 2015)

Galaxy ... it's most likely not a soapmaker stigma you're encountering. I'm more inclined to think it's the fact that you work in a chemical plant and are trying to fit into that mostly-male social structure -- and the guys don't really know what to do with you. 

I'm sure there are at least a few guys you work with who are not the most mature, considerate males on the planet. Whether you make soap or not, some of those fellas are going to find a way to yank your chain for no other reason than just to get a rise out of you -- it's their attempt at humor, however lame it might be. Some of them may honestly not understand how hard their teasing is on you -- it's just the way guys relate and they don't know any better. Others understand perfectly what might be going on from your perspective, but they know no other way to fit you into their world as they understand it -- there aren't many social rules. They know how to relate to women as daughters, wives, girlfriends, secretaries, teachers, etc. ... but not as a lone woman on third shift in a chemical plant. There might even be a few who are resentful and would like to put you firmly in "your place". Those are the ones with a grudge and are worth being wary of. 

Your soap and your dogs just happen to be the things they've latched onto because these guys can sense you're passionate about them.

Take it from someone who has been there too. Been accused of being a lesbian because I worked in a chemical plant and didn't have kids (although I was married ... to a guy ... at the time, but I guess that didn't count). Been teased because they thought I wouldn't like to do girly things like embroidery and cooking just cuz I was an engineer in a chemical plant. Been greeted by a male equipment rep come to help us out with major equipment problems as the "little lady he was wanting to meet" rather than the engineer in charge. Been given a table (not a desk ... a table) in the middle of a chem lab for my "office" when all the (male) engineers had decent cubicle spaces in a room away from noise and bustle. I could go on.

It took me a long time to figure out how to respond to this type of thing with sturdy humor and grace, but that was the best solution in the long run -- or at least it has been for me. 

The alternatives I've seen are to become as crude and tough as some of the guys are -- but you can never, ever be "one of the guys"; this will only turn you into a "b**ch. Or one can over analyze and worry about what "I'm doing wrong" -- but you'll drive yourself crazy doing that because there's really nothing wrong with you. Or you can just become closed-in and defensive -- but you'll become exactly the person you probably least want to be if you do that. All are painful places to be.


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## reinbeau (Apr 7, 2015)

Wise words,  DeeAnna,  however,  I wear the nomicker '*****' with pride.  Babe In Total Control of Herself   I actually love working with men,  have had few issues with them once they figure me out. I think like a man more than like a woman,  frankly.  You may too.

Etc ooops,  triggered the naughty word filter,  sorry!


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## pamielynn (Apr 7, 2015)

Eh, jealous people will say anything rude. One of my "friends" here in town still can't figure out why I go to such trouble to make soap when you can get 12 bars for $5 at Costco.
Your person sounds like he's conjuring up commercialized images of quilting bees from the 1800's.

Edited: can't type


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## DeeAnna (Apr 7, 2015)

Yes, Ann, I usually work well with men and always have. At age 22, however, I was a quiet, introverted person, fairly tongue tied and unsure, so it took awhile to grow into myself and develop the ability to have a good comeback to someone's teasing. It also didn't help that I was the youngest engineer in the entire company and the youngest person on the staff of the chemical plant in which I worked. Now that I'm older and gotten a better sense of who I am, my life as a geeky girl-engineer type goes more smoothly and pleasantly.

Getting back to Galaxy -- It's the "guys having to figure her out" part that I sense is Galaxy's problem -- for example, the story she tells is from when she had been on the job only 6 months. Male co-workers are sometimes like puppies and children -- ya gotta train 'em about what's acceptable and what's not. The process works best with a good dose of tact, patience and humor, not harshness, but finding that just-right level of kind firmness can be a challenge sometimes.


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## Seawolfe (Apr 7, 2015)

I also work in a male dominated industry. DeeAnna's right, some guys will just say stuff to see how you react, or to get a rise. 

If I liked him, I would have threatened to put my soap in a sock and beat him with it, if I didnt I would have ignored him, but thats just me 

I keep a bowl of soap at my office and everyone cycles through and grabs what they like, but the gang here appreciates people who can make things I guess.


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## dixiedragon (Apr 7, 2015)

"Bless your  heart." (That's Southern for eff you.)


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## LBussy (Apr 7, 2015)

I was received so warmly here I did make the "little old ladies" comment once on another forum (to which I already owned up to).  As Craig said, Little Old Ladies (regardless of their age) is an affectionate and complimentary term in my book.

I man I felt like someone was going to set me down and tell me a I needed to eat because it was all so familiar!


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## galaxyMLP (Apr 7, 2015)

Deeana- wow! That must've been hard to deal with. I hear the much higher ups for us (at the parent company) do not respect most of the women engineers.

He is actually the only one who I get a negative vibe from. I think because he is so close in age to me he feels threatened especially because I'm a woman. I also got hired for a new position at the same plant and I heard he wasn't too happy. I think he might be "a bad apple spoiling the bunch". 

I've already worked at a place where I felt uncomfortable around my boss because I am a woman (lewd comments and things you generally shouldn't have to deal with). I left that company and I feel that this is a much more inviting workplace that I am at now.  

I hate to blame it on the male-female interactions but it seems thats what this probably was. Thankfully, working in a male dominated workplace I'm finding that this is often not the case. People generally have immense respect for me despite my age and gender. I take pride in what I do!

ETA: I am also becoming much better at the whole " humor/walking a fine line thing" there is definitely a balance. I'm learning to be stern but also present any stern remark with a bit of humor so that it is taken better. Its been 3 months since that comment and I've been on nights for 2 of those. By myself.


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## Obsidian (Apr 7, 2015)

Well said deeanna but I don't necessarily agree with the "you can't be one of the guys" I worked with men in a small company and after the initial adjustment period (they were paranoid I would go all sexist on them), they treated me just like one of the guys. It got to the point that some of them even acted like they forgot I was a women.

It was a great environment to work in and I had a blast with them. If I would have been the type of women to get offended by stupid men saying stupid man things, it would have been a whole different story. Unless someone seems to be purposely trying to offend you or be hurtful, its best to just let it roll off your back.


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## galaxyMLP (Apr 7, 2015)

There are at least 3 guys I directly work with that treat me like "one of the guys" they invite me out for drinks with them, respect me, ect. So I do think its generally possible. Just not with everyone I guess. I tend to be very open which usually works well.


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## JuneP (Apr 7, 2015)

*Soap and old ladies*

Well, I am an old lady (75) and just started making soap last fall; and I have a dog and cat; but as you say, lots of young people have pets and make soap. Home made soap was something all women made decades ago. If they didn't, there would have been dirty husbands and kids and no clean clothes!

When dealing with ignorant or rude people, just remember that what they think of you is none of your business. That's their problem, not yours 

June



galaxyMLP said:


> So yeah, I make soap. Probably could've guessed that since I'm on this forum!
> 
> I work at a chemical plant and have all male co-workers. Some time ago after about 6 months of working there, one of my co-workers (the youngest, only one year older than me) said "you're like an old lady, you make soap, and you have dogs". FYI I'm 22 YO
> 
> ...


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## Dorymae (Apr 7, 2015)

I would not have been insulted, I would have taken as a joke and gave him back as good as I got, saying something like,  yeah well some of us are smart enough to make it and the others go to the store and buy it.  I would have been laughing as I said this and really wouldn't have meant it as an insult, just a tit for tat, lighthearted ribbing.


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## dixiedragon (Apr 7, 2015)

I first started making soap when I was 24 or so. It is a bit of an "old lady hobby" - vs say drinking or skiing or something. Some people are "wild and crazy" at 22 and some people prefer quieter pursuits.


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## Luckyone80 (Apr 7, 2015)

I've never been called an old lady for making soap BUT I have been called that b/c I crochet and sew quilts. I started crocheting around age 20 which is young for a hobby that usually an older generation does but I still enjoy all my hobbies no matter what anyone says.


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## McSpin (Apr 7, 2015)

From a guy's perspective - I don't know what your co-worker's intent was, because I wasn't there, but in general, men do not take such things seriously. Get a group of guys together and we will often make fun of anything and everything another guy does - all in humor.  Sometimes, we forget that women were born on Venus and that our humor is not so funny to beings from that planet (that was a joke).  He may like you and that was his way of hinting that you should set down your soap and kick up your heels.  Then again, maybe he was simply raised as a rude person.


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## reinbeau (Apr 7, 2015)

Very true, McSpin.  I worked for years at a large engineering firm here in the Boston area as a project administrator.  I babysat 40 engineers  and they were afraid of me, as they should have been!  But one thing they knew was I was the most unoffendable woman they'd ever worked with.  For a reason, as far as I was concerned.  I gave as good as I got, but they were a great bunch of guys (and ladies, however, they were fewer, by far!).

I have always been crafty.  I learned how to knit and crochet when I was very young, my grandmother taught me.  I sewed, quilted, did counted cross-stitch, all sorts of crafts, and not once did I consider them to be 'little old lady' occupations.  Might be because I'm older, or from the midwest, or maybe I just grew up in a family where this was all normal.  I'd laugh at anyone who called me that because I was crafty.


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## DeeAnna (Apr 7, 2015)

I intended for the phrase "being one of the guys" to mean the idea of literally trying to act like one of the guys, complete with crude humor, rough talk, macho behavior, the whole shebang. I know some women who do that and are content to be that kind of person. Not me. "Being accepted as part of the crew" is a different matter entirely, and I can do that very well and can more than pull my weight.


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## reinbeau (Apr 7, 2015)

Believe me, I didn't descend to their level.  I have a quick wit - totally appropriate, and know how to let a person know they've gone too far without upsetting or offending.  It's an art you develop working with varying people.  Ok, off to the spin soap challenge!


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## Dorymae (Apr 7, 2015)

reinbeau said:


> Believe me, I didn't descend to their level.  I have a quick wit - totally appropriate, and know how to let a person know they've gone too far without upsetting or offending.  It's an art you develop working with varying people.  Ok, off to the spin soap challenge!



Ha ah I have a quick wit as well, but mine is often considered inappropriate for a woman so I try to only use it if I think the person will not take it the wrong way. I really hate when I offend someone that I was not trying to insult.  It is sometimes a struggle for me because I don't seem to have the same sensitivity as many people. The internet can be very challenging because people can not see my facial expression to judge how to take my comments.


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## DeeAnna (Apr 7, 2015)

Sounds like you and I have much the same approach, Ann.


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## marilynmac (Apr 7, 2015)

The wisdom I've gained from age says to ignore this boy.    He has not experienced much yet, and has a lot to learn.


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## IrishLass (Apr 7, 2015)

McSpin said:


> From a guy's perspective - I don't know what your co-worker's intent was, because I wasn't there, but in general, men do not take such things seriously. Get a group of guys together and we will often make fun of anything and everything another guy does - all in humor. Sometimes, we forget that women were born on Venus and that our humor is not so funny to beings from that planet (that was a joke). He may like you and that was his way of hinting that you should set down your soap and kick up your heels. Then again, maybe he was simply raised as a rude person.


 
This ^^^^. A 'word of wisdom' line that my hubby always says to the gals in our family whenever we run into situations like yours, Galaxy, is 'Men are pigs'.  

Not that he means that men are all hateful beings or anything like that, for hubby treats me and the women in our family like gold (his favorite 'word of wisdom' line to the _guys_ in the family goes, 'Happy wife, happy life', lol), but as he tells the gals, men 'generally' don't rely so much on the same parts of the brain that we gals 'generally' do, which makes it more easy for them be less easily offended by insulting words (whether intentionally spoken or not) than we gals 'generally' are. Where men generally tend to brush off a perceived insult like so much dust, we gals generally tend to feel like we need to have an anvil lifted off of us. 

I've been called all sorts of names all my life by different people for who knows what different reason. Those that spoke them were either most likely projecting their own unhappiness in their life upon me, had never learned any manners and didn't know any better, or I else I may have totally misread things and no insult was actually intended at all. I used to take every single one of them to heart, though, which would ruin days, weeks months and years of my life. I finally came to a point that I said enough! Why should I let such things rule me, especially if they may not even have been intended? It's not worth it to rent the prime real estate in my mind out to such things, so I just don't anymore.

Sure, certain negative words spoken to me might rattle me when first spoken and there may be a little struggle to let them go and get on with my life, but it's not long before they are ceremoniously kicked to the proverbial curb, because, goodness, I've got a million and one better things I want to do! 

My words of wisdom? Count your blessings as opposed to the negatives; humor and words of kindness have a miraculous way of disarming people and winning the day more times than not; and- the best revenge is to live a joyful, positive life. :mrgreen:


IrishLass


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## galaxyMLP (Apr 7, 2015)

For some reason it won't let me "like" any posts on my phone. So I'll just say it. Thank you all for the kind words and advice.


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## The Efficacious Gentleman (Apr 7, 2015)

Aye - I bet if you were 10 and in the playground, he'd be pulling your hair and saying you have "cooties".  Alas, too many men can't really articulate their feelings accurately.


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## lenarenee (Apr 7, 2015)

Lots of apropos comments here.

He also is lacking knowledge about his generation and a resurgence of interest in learning crafts and being more self sufficient.

Another fact:  you can do something he can't  do!! :angel:


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## newbie (Apr 7, 2015)

Don't be too offended. As you find your comfort zone, it will matter less what people say about you. I have been told I look like a bag lady more times than I can count (started in my 20's) because I don't care about clothes, called a crazy cat lady because I have my own cats and fostered for an animal shelter. It just makes me laugh. I love working with guys; they are different and have different sensibilities oftentimes than women, but I thoroughly enjoy it. I wouldn't if someone were mean or abusive of course, but young man with the old lady comment probably just needed a sharp and witty retort thrown back at him.


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## not_ally (Apr 7, 2015)

IL, it is hard to imagine someone who would be unkind to you, you are so nice and kind.  I am glad that you are able to disregard the words and know that they are just boneheads and not good at doing the talking thing.

Re: dealing w/men, or people who are different from you, that is a tough thing.  

I am a woman, worked as a lawyer in a big ass fancy law firm in my last long term job (it was not uncommon for the other - usually male-  lawyers to assume I was the court reporter in depositions where there were a bunch of us.)  That part was not fun.  

But one of my best friends was someone I completely disagreed with in a lot of ways (he was a milky white/blonde, Southern Republican, but so smart and a good, good guy.)  And my boss was a Mormon who definitely offended me deeply at times, but he really cared about me, he was probably the best boss I have ever had. 

I don't know where I am going with this, maybe just that I am glad that people often surprise you for the better!


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## FlybyStardancer (Apr 11, 2015)

I've never gotten "old lady" comments from soapmaking... Though I have gotten them for knitting! It's probably in part because I'm quieter about the soapmaking, and by the time I started it I was surrounded more by people who understood that crafting is not age-related.


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## AMyers (Apr 12, 2015)

I have received the old lady comments about my knitting, for sure!  And don't get me started about what I hear when I mention that I spin my own yarn!! (Yes, I have stopped saying spinning, because they just get confused about the exercise thing)  Around here, where I have often commented that I feel like I might live in Stepford, I am more likely to get "dirty hippie" jokes about my soap making.  Or eyerolls about my level of commitment to "everything natural" (which is funny, because I'm not that committed!!) 

I too am a female engineer, who has worked in mostly male environments.  I'll say that I prefer those to the mostly female environments in which I have worked, because I tend to be more direct than the general stereotype female prefers.  That bit me on the hiney more than once, until I learned better how to gauge my audience before engaging!! I don't have any advice about that part of your post, but I think you've received good advice from some of the other commenters


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## summerflyy (Apr 13, 2015)

My friends and I all have very "old-lady" hobbies, both knits and I make soap so we always joke about it and the term "old lady" became an endearing term. 

I say, don't let it get to you. The soapmaking hobby is also seeing an increase of younger hobbyists ! Btw, I'm 21 in Sept !


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## DeeAnna (Apr 16, 2015)

What was the saying on those tee shirts that they used to sell -- something like the "Ladies Sewing Circle and Terrorist Society". It seems apropos here!


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## Mommy (Apr 16, 2015)

LOL! Just the thread title made me laugh. A big part of my soaping is a desire to bring back and hold onto the wisdom that women of the older generations had...I think they were much more resourceful/wise/grounded than we are today. 
"Old Lady? Why, thank you- to me that's a humbling distinction of the highest honor. I'm striving to be worthy."


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## zolveria (Apr 16, 2015)

LOL GIVE A NICE LATHERING WITH A BAR OF SOAP


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## spenny92 (Jul 26, 2015)

I'm 22 too (for another month... boo!) and I think it's just one of those silly, stigmatized things. I love floral patterned clothing and brown brogue shoes, and people are always telling me that I "dress like an old lady", or because I treat my cats like my babies, I'm a "crazy cat lady". But as soon as spring arrives and floral patterns are "trendy", suddenly I'm oh so "fashionable"!

Just ignore it. Too many people, especially younger people, seem to be hobby-less and that's cool. I think finding a hobby that you love is something to be proud of. Old ladies rock!


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## not_ally (Jul 26, 2015)

I am a proud crazy dog lady, I think everyone in my neighborhood recognizes me b/c I walk the pups so much.  I'm sure if they knew I made soap they would think I was even more old-ladyish.  Don't really care, though.  I could be infamous for many worse things


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## TwystedPryncess (Jul 26, 2015)

I get teased a lot about Fight Club soap, which for me is for some reason REALLY annoying. I just come right back and say that I have a recipe for such a thing, and probably the means to acquire the required materials, but that's all the information they are getting.

I say it in an extremely serious manner and usually by then they are squirming uncomfortably, sorry they asked.

But of course, we all know I'm an odd duck on some days. The moral of that story is that if someone's giving you a bad or malicious vibe, smart alecky, hateful, whatever, you always have several choices in dealing with it. I try to choose humor and a little grace. I kinda like to watch people squirm, too.

I've also worked with mainly men and mainly women, and I have to say I prefer to work with mainly men. Overall, they are more simple and just easier to work with. Once you have their loyalty, man, you've got it, and they have your back for anything. Women in the workplace can be a totally different story. (At least from my experience.)


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## galaxyMLP (Jul 26, 2015)

This thread is a little old and I didn't really want to revive it. But... I feel I am compelled to now when good insight has been provided. 

 What you wrote is so true about men and women. I've been working there now for a year and that happened maybe 3 months in. 

I'll give an update I guess!

I switched positions about 2 months ago. I was working production on the night shift (12 hours, 6 pm to 6 am) as a quality control technician right before I went to my new position. The last night on the old job I had gizzly men out in the chemical production area stopping in saying that they were very sad to see me go. And telling me they liked me alot! 

On Friday, I spoke with one of them again (I work in research and development now) and he said I was one of the best quality control technicians and I wouldve become "one of the sisters" (his words) had I stayed in my previous position. He said so many incredibly encouraging and wonderful things. I walked away from that conversation almost teary becasue he was so kind.

I realize that there will be people who will always say things that aren't exactly kind. But they don't matter. Especially when everyone else around you only has good to say. 

He seems like a sad boy in general and wants to have life handed to him. He doesn't really understand how to talk to people and is passive aggressive. Overall not a person I want to hang with. Every other person I've met at the plant site has been fantastic. 

Thank you all for the support. I think some of you have changed the way I look at people.


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## TeresaT (Jul 26, 2015)

Soaping doesn't make you an "old lady."  Neither does knitting, crocheting, quilting, needlepoint, baking or any other variety of hobbies, crafts and artistic endeavors there are.  What makes you an "old lady" is your attitude.  I've known old ladies that were only in their teens and I've known women in their 80's that will never be old.  Age is not a number (or a hobby, or the number and type of pets you have), it is an attitude.


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