# Divorce is an ugly thing.



## Deda (Jun 10, 2009)

I got a call this morning at 7:30 AM.  

My ex-husbands wife, my kids 'other mother', Stella was in tears.  She and her husband are in the middle of a separation.  They want me to help with the separation agreement and eventual divorce.  This is breaking my heart.  And her's too, I'm sure.

I don't care much for my ex, we get along fine when we need to. However, I could not have hand-picked a better stepmother for my 2 oldest children.  They're torn in this divorce, they love Stella, but they're angry at their father for hurting her and their siblings, 1 sister, just graduated from college and 2 little ones, 7 & 11. My in-laws are helping Stella financially until she gets on her feet, but are none too happy with their idiot son. 

It's going to be a tight rope.  I don't want to add to their stress, but they've asked me to help, so I will.  I suppose they think since I've already seen the dirty laundry I won't be shocked and it will be less traumatic.  I just don't know.


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## Blossom (Jun 10, 2009)

I went through this last winter/year ago. I was #1 wife, and #2 and ex split up. Ex immediately moved in woman who was to be #3 (apparently, they'd been dating). 

Kids (mine are older teenagers) are horrified. And both have severed ties with their dad. Ex beat up #2 so bad she was hospitalized (I saw her that night as DS was living with them at the time to spend more time with his stepbrothers and out of my girly house (LOL)) 

#3 is a 'recovered' drug addict. So we've no confidence that THIS marriage will last, either.

My two cents? Stay out of it. Be a rock when you need to be. Don't talk to either party during this time any more than you can. Don't lie about speaking to someone, either. The very last thing you need is to get pulled into this maelstrom. But, definitely be there for the kids, older to younger.

I'm sorry about this for you. And I wish I could just kick enough brains INTO some guys. This type of thing makes me shake my head and give grateful thanks that I've remained single.


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## Deda (Jun 10, 2009)

It's not a case of physical or emotional abuse, it's just a marriage that's over, sadly.

We are all friends, our kids are all in this together.  They want me to help them to draw up the papers, not choose sides.  Actually there are no sides.  They are getting a divorce, everyone is sad, but that will pass and our family will heal.  

I've heard from the kids this morning and they are all relieved that they are going to work the details of the separation through without an army of lawyers.

There's no way in hell I would go anywhere near this situation if there was fighting, feuding and abuse.  I know divorce and separation are ugly and resentment runs fast and deep, but if I can guide them through the legal part of it I will.


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## pepperi27 (Jun 10, 2009)

I'm divorced as well and no way would I ask his ex wife to help in any way shape or form (not that he has one). Just my opinion I say just be her friend and help from a distance. I know their marriage is over but they shouldn't invovle you in it. My ex asked my opinion one day about this chick he was screwing thinking she was on the pill. LOL Well some of you may know I'm a tarot reader, so I read him and told him to stay away from her because she's just using you. He told me I was wrong and that I don't want him to be happy. WEll, a few months later he called me up to inform me that I was right and the chick was pregnant. She was trying to snatch him up cause he's in the military. Lesson learned for him.


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## studioalamode (Jun 10, 2009)

Deda, I admire you for this.  The fact that you will serve as mediator in this says a lot about who you are.  Helping the familiy avoid as little conflict as possible is what can save "the family."  I really don't believe it is divorce that upsets the kids, it is the conflict and seeing parents behave badly and hatefully toward each other.  I have a good relationship with my ex, and we have been able to be friendly and supportive of each other's respective families (both of us are remarried).   The fact that your ex's soon-to-be-ex is asking you for help speaks to the sense of "one big family" that you have been able to create.  Agree, that if circumstances were hostile, that would change the perspective, but from what you are describing, I think you are doing an admirable thing.  God bless all of you as you work through this difficult time.


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## Deda (Jun 10, 2009)

studioalamode said:
			
		

> Deda, I admire you for this.  The fact that you will serve as mediator in this says a lot about who you are.  Helping the familiy avoid as little conflict as possible is what can save "the family."  I really don't believe it is divorce that upsets the kids, it is the conflict and seeing parents behave badly and hatefully toward each other.  I have a good relationship with my ex, and we have been able to be friendly and supportive of each other's respective families (both of us are remarried).   The fact that your ex's soon-to-be-ex is asking you for help speaks to the sense of "one big family" that you have been able to create.  Agree, that if circumstances were hostile, that would change the perspective, but from what you are describing, I think you are doing an admirable thing.  God bless all of you as you work through this difficult time.



Thanks, I guess I should have been clearer that when she called me this morning they were both there, both asking.  I won't be helping them with terms or the who-gets-what or the support issues, they've already agreed on those.  They want me to help them draw up the legal papers and walk them through the filing.  

I'm not a lawyer, but I did start out going to law school.  When Ex and I divorced our whole process took less than 3 days once I filed all the papers.  We circumvented alot of the process by hand delivering the papers. We bypassed the Ore tenus hearing by preparing the deposition questions for a notary and having the transcript notarized. I hand carried the package  to the court house where I filed, carried the complaint to the sheriffs office, he accepted, we brought his answer to back to the clerks office and she gave the whole thing to the judge.  Two days later the judge had read it all and signed the final decree, easy peasy.  Kinda sad that ending a marriage was such a technical affair.

I love that we have blended our families, my kids, our kids, their kids, her kids - nope - they are all brothers and sisters.  A little harder for us to get used to, but for the kids, a much stronger foundation from which to build.

BTW- The kids are 27, 24, 22, 19, 11 & 7.


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## Guest (Jun 10, 2009)

Deda you rock .That is all I can say ..


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## Sibi (Jun 10, 2009)

They certainly are lucky to have such a nice and knowledgeable friend like you Deb.  The way that you all have dealt with everything and made it work to the advantage of everyone is admirable!  It's a great lesson for all of us to learn.


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## Deda (Jun 10, 2009)

This whole divorce thing has really had me thinking today.  There are a few things I keep coming back too; though we all got along fine, tried to take the high road everytime an issue came up and ended up with great kids, it's not how well we all worked together that the children remember, it's the few  times we_ didn't _- in excruciating detail!


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## Sibi (Jun 10, 2009)

Deda said:
			
		

> This whole divorce thing has really had me thinking today.  There are a few things I keep coming back too; though we all got along fine, tried to take the high road everytime an issue came up and ended up with great kids, it's not how well we all worked together that the children remember, it's the few  times we_ didn't _- in excruciating detail!



That's too bad isn't it Deb.  Maybe you should remind them of all the good times you've had!


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## Deda (Jun 10, 2009)

Sibi said:
			
		

> Deda said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I'm sure they remember all the good times, but I wish they would forget a couple of shouting matches the ex and I had...


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## Lindy (Jun 10, 2009)

Deda we would all like to forget the not so nice parts of our life and we would rather our children forget the nasties as well - however those things that are less than pleasant teach the most valuable lessons we learn in life.  It's wonderful that you have been able to create an overall relationship with your ex and his current that they feel comfortable enough to ask for you help and I think that is what's most important.

If it were me - I would be supportive and caring but I would not be the one to stand in the centre like you have agreed to do.  It's such a voltile situation which could explode at any moment.

That's just my opinion for what it's worth.  I wouldn't want your caring to be end up creating a horrid position for you.


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## Tabitha (Jun 10, 2009)

Goodness, that is a task.


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## Deda (Jun 10, 2009)

Tabitha said:
			
		

> Goodness, that is a task.



Not really Tab, an uncontested divorce is largely administrative.  It's a matter of walking the papers through.  I did a little searching around today and most of the templates I spent hours searching for in the law library 20 years ago are available on the county website.  I may not have to do very much at all.


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## pepperi27 (Jun 11, 2009)

I do commend you on this task whether physical or mentally being there for them you are an amazing person.


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