# Ok ladies...need some advice please :)



## IanT (Oct 2, 2009)

Alright... so I have been with my girl for 5 years now.... (wow!..crazy even typing that)... I am passed the phase of doubt and unsurity as to if this is what I would like in my life and such... We are planning on moving back in together at some point in the near future (Tab... I think you remember all the stuff I posted before when we DID live together lol)... Something has changed in our relationship, which is gooooood... We went to relationship therapy, worked on some communication issues (I think we both kind of needed the added confidence that it was o.k. for us to be together with all the opinions that surround us...especially since we are an Interracial couple. (which if that bothers you...KMA, thank you  )... 

Ive had times with her recently, where the sunlight hits her face just right, and my intuition tells me that it is a "moment"... I feel all my love for her just well up inside of me and I feel "the question" looming on the edge of my tongue. lol Ok so here is my question... 

I am an old-school kinda guy (weird for a 24 yo lol), and I am an Italian Romantic... balls to the wall, no holds bar... lol... 

So I started thinking of my strategy... 

(I can see you ladies clapping your hands and rubbing them together in avid anticipation of what I am going to say right now lol....)

Her parents live in NY (as do mine). All are divorced/separated. I was thinking of going to visit her Dad, since I have never had any real man-to-man time with him to talk...and I was kind of thinking of asking him for his blessing to have his daughters hand in marriage...Now he knows my reputation as a good guy and taking care of her etc... So its not like he doesnt know about me etc.. .I mean Ive been with her for 5 YRS! lol... Ive met him a few times, but only very quickly since he would be on the way to work etc... 

Do you think that he would interpret that as me not being able to take initiative on my own and just do the **** thing or something like that? OR do you think he would take that as I mean it to be... an Honorable respectful gesture because his daughter means that much to me that Id drive the 4 hrs to NY from my moms house to see him for his 30-45 min lunch break lol...IF that.. (I should also add that he is a Man to be feared...if you know what I mean, think like Bernie Mack (his eyes) meets Mike Tyson and Al Capone...) 

.....AND if I were to do that, should I do the same with her mom/stepdad or would that be too weird? 

She was raised with her mom/stepdad... her dad was never really around and she never talked to him much until about a year into our relationship (Id been trying to talk her into it... so glad I did because they talk often now.)

Alright... need the advice bad 

This is just future thinking, I dont intend to put this plan into action until we are both financially stable and secure and set in our careers.

and Thanks in advance... I cant even believe I just wrote this , part of me wants to just delete it right now and keep it locked up secret lol.. but hey its allllll good  Woooosaaaaaaaaaahhh


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## jarvan (Oct 2, 2009)

Ian, I think you are contemplating an honorable quest in asking for the family blessing on your plan for proposal. My husband did that, though he is anything but old-school. My father and mother totally liked that he did that. 

As far as how wierd it would be to repeat this gesture with the other "dad" in the picture...go for it. They will both be involved in whatever ceremony you decide upon (most likely, anyway) and that way nobody feels slighted.

I wish you all the luck in the world! 

Jen


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## vivcarm (Oct 2, 2009)

I think that you are thinking too much, you know what you really want to do and that is to ask both of them - am I right?


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## twilightluver (Oct 2, 2009)

well,I do not know you at all,but you made me tear up..HOW sweet! I have a daughter,age 11,and I put her in the place of your Girlfriend..I think what you want to do is very noble!! What parent wouldn't want  to feel that their daughter is THAT important to  the man she loves???!!!  Go for it..Make it something that will be talked about for years to come!! 
 As we all know,the Generation coming up now  isn't near at courteous as our generation..( Most, anyway )  I mean, my husband and I have been married for 13 years,and he STILL opens the door for me  when I enter the vehicle,and runs around to me when I exit.. We get stares!! U would not  believe the stares we get!!!!!!  13 years and going strong.. We had people tell us we would not make it 6 months.. AH HA..In THEIR face!!!!  I believe you can withstand ANYTHING as long as you are together,and communicate well..
 Sounds like you care very very much for her... I think BOTH sets of parents  would just adore you for doing this!!!! 
  i wish you much joy and happiness in your relationship!! For YEARS to come!!


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## Bnky (Oct 2, 2009)

IanT:  I think that is soooo very nice.  If I were that girls parents I would be very, very happy with her future husband.  As far as speaking with her mother and stepfather also; I think you should since he was there to raise your future bride.  Good luck to you and congratulations!


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## Deda (Oct 2, 2009)

Ian, you're such a sweetie, sounds like a lovely thing.  

Oh, and Congrats!


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## IanT (Oct 2, 2009)

Awwwwww... Thank you all!..  Ok so that gives me the chills .... and makes me very happy at the same time!!

I totally understand what you mean about this next Generation, Its the one that was raised on TV, because most of the parents now (IMO) are not practicing active parenting skills (like when my mom used to make me sit down in a chair and do my homework after school before playing and stuff...) I feel like that doesnt happen much anymore. 

And the holding doors/pull out chairs etc stuff.... Thats what I mean I was raised on that...Old School style, Stand when a Woman is seated, NEVER hit a woman... all the old school ideals...I have to thank my parents for that ... I cannot wait to pass that type of wisdom on to my future children....It is absolutely invaluable and indispensable.




			
				twilightluver said:
			
		

> 13 years and going strong.. We had people tell us we would not make it 6 months.. AH HA..In THEIR face!!!!



More power to ya!!! ...

My mom didnt really like my girl at first,  first time when she met her was after exiting a car we had been locked in whilst driving 22 hrs nonstop from orlando florida to Montauk, NY..... So yeah we looked a bit haggard... I felt like crap, we were both like uggggggggggggh... and for some reason, you know what they say about 1st impressions etc... We werent all 'done up' to be meeting people, we reaaaally looked like we had been driving for 23 hrs nonstop lol... 

It upset me to no end for about 2 yrs in our relationship, when I finally was like thats enough I dont care what anyone else thinks, your not living my life! This is my relationship, and She makes me so happy... but since they live in NY they never see it, except for what I tell them etc...

I think at this point my Mom realizes that it is very serious... I think part of the reason she reacted negatively at first was because she is my first looooong term GF (like over 2 yrs) and she was worried about me getting stuck too soon and all that.... She didnt say it, but I think part of it had to do with the race thing too.. like all during when I grew up I remember my parents telling me color is nothing, we are all just flowers in the great garden (not exact wording...thats mine  )... but I would always get these lectures from both my parents about how its going to be hard living in an interracial relationship and wed be limited to living certain areas and social groups... I told them to kiss my ass.... sounded so hippocritical to me for them to be saying stuff like that... I dont really care about the occasional glance I will get from old traditional white peoples, or some of the older black men who think us young white brothers are stealing all the black women (my girl has told me about lectures shes had from people shes told about our relationship that followed in that manner lol...)

we dont care though.. cant let anything hold us down!

It made my girl feel really uncomfortable, that she thought my mom didnt like her... and Im thinking how does everyone else (including my Dads side) think she is a friggin sweetheart and she doesnt.... that was a few years ago

Since then I think she has come around a bit... still working on her a bit...

whewf... that was a mouthful! lol .... 

:* thank you all for your feedback... love to read that stuff it gives me confidence in my endeavor  8)


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## carebear (Oct 2, 2009)

Wow - what a joy to read your post.  You clearly love her deeply and it's not a fleeting crush-type thing.  I'm so happy that you have each other in your lives.


I think HE would be honored you asked him first.

But would your girlfriend be happy about the order of things, do you think?  Remember now, I'm old (46) and jaded (i.e., divorced from an *******) - so I've got big time control issues.  And for ME that would be a problem.  Of course those are MY issues and not hers - but I thought I'd throw it out there.


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## IanT (Oct 2, 2009)

carebear said:
			
		

> Wow - what a joy to read your post.  You clearly love her deeply and it's not a fleeting crush-type thing.  I'm so happy that you have each other in your lives.
> 
> 
> I think HE would be honored you asked him first.
> ...



Tis a good point, I kind of intended to do this all without telling her though...like kind of go for the family's blessing first...make sure they all keep it a darn secret until I get around to it (which is why I am going to also wait to put my plan into effect until we are both financially stable! and I can buy a nice ring... not a onion ring lol)

Im not sure if she would or not to tell you the truth... I think she would probably think it as a Romantic gesture (I hope lol)... But she _does_ like to be in control when she gets the chance, I let her take it... I dont care lol. Seeing her smile is payment enough for me! 

Glad you enjoyed the read as well! 
loving the feedback so keep it coming!



> I'm old (46)


 NO your are NOT lol... 46 years YOUNG!  8)


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## Wax Munky (Oct 2, 2009)

Ian,

Inlaws opinions will be just that.Opinions.Everyone has one.
Neither one of you have to be subjected to them at any time.If nobody can play nice,they can't play at all.
She's going to be your wife.Hopefully for a lifetime.A wife is forever..Inlaws just pass through,move on..Die even!!!!   (j/k) but true...LOL!!

All the best Ian..Good luck.(You won't need it)

Munky.


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## JenniferSews (Oct 2, 2009)

carebear said:
			
		

> Wow - what a joy to read your post.  You clearly love her deeply and it's not a fleeting crush-type thing.  I'm so happy that you have each other in your lives.
> 
> 
> I think HE would be honored you asked him first.
> ...



My thoughts too.  My stepdad would not be impressed, he'd wonder why you were even asking him since it's not his decision.  I'd be annoyed for the same reason.  But you know her,and your future ILS best.  If you think your ILS will love it and your GF will find it romantic, then DO IT!  If your future ILs will see it as a gesture of respect, that's not a bad way to start off as a son in law.  :wink:  She loves you for a reason, and that romantic streak is probably a big part of it.  It is sweet, I think I may just be too old.


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## Tabitha (Oct 2, 2009)

> (which if that bothers you...KMA, thank you  )...


OMG I seriously laughed OUTLOUD!

I think if you ask one dad, you should ask them both. ASking just 1 migt cause tribulation. I think they would find it noble, not weak at all.

Do both sets of her family get along? Are they ever in the same place at the same time? What about inviting them all  to an engagement party/dinner & popping the question there?


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## Jody (Oct 2, 2009)

Ian,

I think that you are very Honourable and since I've seen pictures no wonder you're head over heels but then again you are no slouch yourself.

Bottom line.  Go for it and be proud!!!!!  Not enough honour these days.


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## IanT (Oct 3, 2009)

You all rock! 



> Do both sets of her family get along? Are they ever in the same place at the same time? What about inviting them all to an engagement party/dinner & popping the question there?



Im not sure.. lol like they dont really chill that much... who knows, Its crazy... like half her family are Convicts, the other half are NYPD... either way that spells dont break her heart lol...

I think Id like to ask her in a more personal way, like when we were walking alone on the beach, or on an awesome trip somewhere (remember now...said Im waiting til the financials are very very in my favor...cause right now im a po' bwoy  )  Do it up real romantic....maybe leave her a mystery clue game type thing to find out lol.. something clever i havent quite come up with yet but will 





> Ian,
> 
> I think that you are very Honourable and since I've seen pictures no wonder you're head over heels but then again you are no slouch yourself.
> 
> Bottom line. Go for it and be proud!!!!! Not enough honour these days.



 awwww thank you!!


See now here is the next thing... her Mother was definitely like her only parent for quite some time... her stepdad wasnt really around for much of her life until later on...so should I still direct the asking of blessing stuff to him... or to her mom ...or to both of them (I really think her mom should be included in it ...ya know... ... thats Mama Dukes after all! lol... (she got that name after her oldest son talked back to her when they were living in the projects...she stands about 5ft nothing...that might even be pushing it...maybe like 4 ft 9 lol... but she dangled his ass out of a 13th floor window by his foot...Im talking all the way out the window lol.....needless to say he respected her much more after that lol...)


verdict?


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## IrishLass (Oct 3, 2009)

Ian- you are so sweet. Any girl should count herself blessed to have a guy so loving and caring as to be thinking about all these things and trying to work them all out. There are not many guys with such a caring attitude out there. I consider myself very blessed that my own hubby is such a guy like that, but guys like my hubby and yourself are a rare breed indeed! 

Don't be too hard on your mom, though. Mom's have a special bond with their sons (and dads with their girls), and I'm sure the negativity might just be a mom's natural anxiety and concern over her son's future happiness coming out. Being a mom of a 15 year old son, I can kinda relate to that.  :wink:  Just reassure her of your love for her and gently tell her it's time to let go. You're a big boy now.   




> Ive had times with her recently, where the sunlight hits her face just right, and my intuition tells me that it is a "moment"... I feel all my love for her just well up inside of me and I feel "the question" looming on the edge of my tongue



I remember distinct 'aha!' moments like that when my hubby and I were dating. I would look at him sometimes and it was like I just 'knew that I knew' that he was the one. In those moments I could actually see myself growing old and happy together with him, whereas with other guys I had dated before him, it was never like that. We're both in our 40's now and have been married to each other 24 years, but we are still like teenagers with each other, holding hands wherever we go and just genuinely enjoying each other's presense and company. My grandmother always used to tell me to never marry a man who wasn't considerate enough to open the door for you or carry your groceries home. She was a smart woman. She must have prayed hard for me and my 'as yet unknown husband' when I was a youngster.  :wink:  

I personally think it's great that you want to go to her parents to ask for her hand in marriage. As a girl and as a parent, I find that very commendable, not to mention so refreshing in this 'meh, whatever' generation. Some of those 'old school' ideals are classics that should never go out of style, if you ask me. 

All the best to you!

IrishLass


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## Tabitha (Oct 3, 2009)

My brother always gave my mother presents on mothers day & fathers day because she was our only parent. I would not leave her out. I would speak w/ them both at the same time.


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## Jody (Oct 3, 2009)

Ian,

In my old age, old lady experience if you wait for


> (remember now...said Im waiting til the financials are very very in my favor...cause right now im a po' bwoy  )


 nothing ever gets done.  When things are right, they are right, no matter what.  : )

There is also something to be said for going through tough times together.  Mind you, you are still young.  I have 2 boys older and one younger and none of them are even close to getting married.  I think it's a good thing for them (immature spoiled brats!!!) but it's not necessarily for everyone.


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## IrishLass (Oct 3, 2009)

Jody said:
			
		

> Ian,
> 
> In my old age, old lady experience if you wait for
> 
> ...



Very good point, Jody.   

IrishLass


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## IanT (Oct 3, 2009)

IrishLass said:
			
		

> Jody said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Lol yesssss ditto on that one!!! 

...awww I love all the kind words! 

Ok so I was in some in depth convo with her this morning (she is friggin awesome...... drove out this morning to see me from orlando...its a 2hr 20 min drive to my house, she got up at 7, drove to me... we chilled together til I had to go to work for a few hours....bought her lunch, was hoping shed stay a few hours more but my bosses were at my job when I got there so no chance of that happening ... but she drove 4.5 hrs today total...just to see me... I love her  )......

Ok but yeah..in depth convo...did some digging, and I asked her about the men in her life and who she felt was most influential...

1) Her brother-- Dwayne... (hes good guy..I like him)
2) Mike...her step dad
3) her dad

Also I asked her if she thought her family could ever be in one place at the same time... As far as her moms side...yes, they can all be there at the same time... Her Dad however is unwelcomed in even the most forgiving of her family members' houses. Apparently she said there was some things he did that were so horrible her mom wont reveal them, and like I said...very forgiving family members for whom its uncharacteristic to not let someone into their home...shun him.. I guess he was only around until she was like 3, then mike came around and was a big part in their life... he could never have children of his own, so he took on Mama Dukes' family (my girl, her sis) and helped to raise them...

But she said she still doesnt feel as close to him, like it would be her brother over anyone....

So I am thinking strategy: Go to her bro first, then to her mom/mike combined, and then to her dad...

I wonder how it would work out with her dad and ceremonies and such... but thats not something i need to think about yet.

Jodi---- About my Mom, yeah she kind of admitted to me that it was hard for her to see me in a long term relationship like that, especially at my age... my older bros have a history of unsuccessful marriages which started too young and I never want to follow in that path... So I think she is reacting to that, as well as the whole empty nest syndrome (I swear it was cute...she actually bought a Rooster at one point... I swear ... The epitome of empty nest syndrome...she got it after my lil bros went to college)


We talked more about moving in together today, so thats good stuff...just like trivial type stuff (for now) but things that could be bigger issues later on, so its good to put them on the table at first....

Good stuff 


So how does all that sound?


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## gekko62 (Oct 3, 2009)

Old school is great in many many ways,but so is new school too. A woman is her own person today thank god,in control of her own life,& Im just thinking if you ask her dad before asking her,well if it were me,I'd be peeved as hell. You obviously love & respect her very much & I think going to him after you've popped the question is a really wonderful respectful sentiment. Just not before!


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## Twilitr (Oct 6, 2009)

Ian, thank you for giving me a reason to smack my husband upside the  head and say "See, people still do that!!!!! why couldnt you." LOL, god knows i love him. 

I agree with the order, Brother, Mom/SD, then Dad. Dont wanna leave anyone out.  I love your attitude toward the interracial nazi's out there. There is no way to please everyone so just take care of what you need and the rest will just have to miss out.  



PS Is there anyway shape or form she will be able/ have access to read this?  Wouldnt want your plan to foil before it starts.


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## IanT (Oct 6, 2009)

quite possibly but I dont think she would waste the time lol she isnt one of those trying to catch me doing something types lol... and she isnt into soaping..just using the goodies i make for her lol


but that wouuuuuuuuuuld suck

....and **** right people still do this!!! lol...

but I might be an anomaly, I dont know too many other dudes my age that do the stuff I do lol...


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