# need a shoulder to cry on



## rubato456 (May 28, 2009)

well i'm feeling very sad right now. my youngest daughter got in trouble with the law a few months ago and we shelled out what was a lot of $$ for us to get her deferred adjudication....if she served 9 months of probation.  we just shelled out more $$ so that she could get special permission for her to get her mandatory and routine drug test via hair testing instead of urine testing as she had a lot of trouble providing a urine sample with the tech in the bathroom while she went potty (which is required, in case you try something fast and loose w/ the sample) 

anyway, TODAY, just as we got a call from her lawyer that this had be ok'd by the judge....she informs me that she took a morphine pill that a friend gave her, because she had gotten a rather large tatoo and she was in a lot of pain!! i can understand the pain part as the tattood area was so swollen and aweful looking right after she had it done (although i would never get one..but that's a side issue)  however i don't see how they won't pick up the morphine on the next drug test .....and this could have dire consequences...they could revoke her probation and make her serve her jail time, and worse, charge her with possession of a controlled substance...etc etc these could be felonies.....my husband and i are freaking.....him more than me....and i'ts not a very good atmosphere in my home right now.

 :cry:  :cry:  :cry: my husband feels so betrayed that we went to bat for her and she basically let him down big time by the morphine use.......she just has no common sense sometimes......


----------



## Lindy (May 28, 2009)

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles.  Unfortunately they are going to find in on the next drug test - it will show up in the hair follicle test.   :?


----------



## Sibi (May 28, 2009)

Deborah,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through.  As parents, unfortunately, we suffer more than the kids do.  I hope that your daughter will learn her lesson.  You've done everything you can do for her.   If the morphine does show on the test it's really out of your hands.  Don't fret, this shall all pass.  It's a lesson learned in the process of growing up.  I did a lot of silly things in my younger years, much of which I was lucky enough not to have been caught.

You and your husband stay strong.  

Sibi


----------



## Guest (May 28, 2009)

sibi is so right, deborah, it is out of your hands

dear I am living through 5 young adults and teens, all at the same time, a military son who drinks (too much some times), a college grad who thinks he controls the world and whose girlfr controls whether I see my grandbaby, a mentally ill son, a pregnant 18 year old daughter, and a boarding school raised youngest son who feels he doesn't know me and I don't know him.

It is so VERY HARD for us parents to understand we can't fix everything once our children start making decisions for themselves.  I just hold on to the fact that we have a lifetime for things to straighten out.

BIG HUGS to you, your family and your daughter :cry:


----------



## ChrissyB (May 29, 2009)

Deborah, I know that this will seem like a nightmare but in years to come you will look back at this situation and see the lesson that was learned.
I know that you and your husband are trying to be the most wonderful parents you can by helping your daughter along the way.
Unfortunately, she has not helped this situation by taking the morphine pill. Granted, morphine is not the same as going out and getting some ice, but if it was genuinely because the tattoo hurt (and yes they do, I have one), couldn't she have taken a tylenol and used an ice pack? I mean, is she using that as an excuse?
Once the drug test comes back positive, it is basically out of your hands. Hopefully the judge or magistrate will see what a supportive loving family she has and see that this environment would be more conducive to her recovery than putting her in jail.
I can understand how your husband feels, she did let you guys down, and sometimes in life there are some pretty hard lessons to learn. I feel that you are like the meat in the sandwhich between the two of them.
Maybe sit down with her and have a gentle chat, tell her how you feel, tell her you both feel that she let you down and that she has done something stupid, but tell her you are always going to love her and support her. Explain to her that some of this is beyond your control, but you will be there every step of the way for her.
And that my friend is all you can do. 
I wish luck to all of your family, hopefully this is a big storm in a tea cup that will blow over.
Chrissy
xxx


----------



## Deda (May 29, 2009)

Deborah, I don't know what to say.  Just know that we are here for you.
You give your family your support, we will give you ours.
Hugs, Deb


----------



## heartsong (May 29, 2009)

*x*

i'm so sorry for you both, as i know you want to help your child!

for many years i had to watch the pain, suffering and frustration of my husband's 2 children (my step children) that both ran a-foul of drugs.

there came a time when he finally realized that no matter how much you love them, that these are adults that know right from wrong, and have to suffer the concequenses of their own decisions.

i feel your pain, and am so sorry.  these things are never easy, but you must ask yourselves "instead of enabling them, how can i make them stronger so they can successfully stand alone, especially when we are no longer around to help?"


----------



## Guest (May 29, 2009)

Hi Deborah , I am sorry this is happening to your family. She will have to learn that no drugs means no drugs , nothing . It hurts when you do everything you can and it is not enough . She has to learn the rules are for everyone , she is not exempt. Sometimes the school of hard knocks is the only way they learn. My oldest son was wild for awhile, I know your pain. He is a fine hard working young  man now , if you would have told me this at that time, I would not have believed it.

{{{hugs}}}

kitn


----------



## heyjude (May 29, 2009)

So very sorry to hear of your troubles. Do you think that it would help any to talk to your lawyer ahead of time to explain the situation? Maybe the court would take it all under advisement. She just didn't think it through. 

Hoping for the best.

Jude


----------



## studioalamode (May 29, 2009)

heyjude said:
			
		

> So very sorry to hear of your troubles. Do you think that it would help any to talk to your lawyer ahead of time to explain the situation? Maybe the court would take it all under advisement. She just didn't think it through.
> 
> Hoping for the best.
> 
> Jude



I agree with this advice.  I worked for my dad, who was a lawyer, and being up front with these things on the front end is very critical.  It shows honesty and integrity, which is what the court is after anyway (though many people think it is punishment).  The lawyer can advise how to be pre-emptive, and he is bound by attorney client privilege to not disclose anything you don't want him to.  My suggestion is to talk to the lawyer and get advice NOW on the best course of action, before time and circumstances beyong your control gain momentum.  

However, the stern talk still needs to be had with your daughter, as she needs to understand the consequences of behavior (even if this turns out O.K.).  Was part of the deal she struck to get any kind of education on drugs?  Does she recognize pain medications as "drugs" or "medication?"  Maybe that's where the problem is.  Kids may not understand the laws of sharing prescription medication... does she know why it is illegal, or even that it is illegal?  If she has not been educated about this she may think there is no hard in taking someone else's medication for pain.  We are adults, so we all KNOW it is wrong.

I feel for you.  When my daughter was 15, we had to put her in rehab for severe alcoholism.  She was in for more than 30 days; she was there a whole summer.  It was horrifying for all of us, and we were criticized by many parents for being too harsh.  I think a parent knows when a situation is out of their control.  You know it with your daughter; we knew it with ours.

Just remember that you may not know the whole story... kids don't always tell the truth, especially when they feel they are going to disappoint you.  Just keep your eyes open and see this for what it really is/was if you can.  If your gut tells you this was "drug seeking" behavior, listen to your gut.  If it tells you this was truly an innocent mistake, listen to it but we wary of future mistakes...  You can love your daughter to the inth, but at times drugs/alcohol can speak louder than love.   

One thing we learned is love is not just a feeling, it is an action.  We actively loved our daughter and got her some professional help.  It sounds like if needed you are willing to love your daughter in this way, too.

My heart goes out to you all.  When all is said and done, she will still be your child, worthy of your love regardless.


----------



## rubato456 (May 29, 2009)

thanks everybody for your thoughtful support and kind advice. i have consulted her lawyer and i am going with her to her next probation appointment, for support and in case the officer wishes to speak w/ me. i'll let you know what happens


----------



## ChrissyB (May 31, 2009)

Good Luck Deb
She is a very lucky girl to have a mother like you who cares so much about her. I hope she knows that.


----------



## studioalamode (May 31, 2009)

I hope all goes well.  Regardless of what happens, with you by her side she will know that you truly care and support her.


----------



## rubato456 (Jun 3, 2009)

update! today was the big day.....we went to the probation officer and my daughter told her about the morphine she took after her tatoo. g-d was looking down on us (it also happened to be my older daughter's 21st birthday...and i think there was something special working for us w/ this coincidence) sooo.....the officer said because she was being honest about this....that she would not revoke her probation.....if she tested positive for the morphine the worst that would happen would be 3 days in jail.....which is a whole lot better than 5 months in jail....

i am so relieved and EXHAUSTED....it's been a difficult long week anticipating these events. thanks all for your support and well wishes. it truely helped very much!


----------



## rszuba (Jun 3, 2009)

big breath in and out. have had lots of trouble this year with my 13 year old son....
i will be sure to put you, your daughter and husband on my prayer list, and my sisters too. 
you hold on tight, find out if there is a support group for you parents, there is strength in knowing others are going through the same thing and it will make you aware and stronger (wiser to her ways,addiction manipulation). 
i feel for you, it is so hard to balance love with tough love. you hang in there. i will pray for strength, dicernment, and peace for you and husband. i will pray for bondage to be broken for your daughter.
we want to believe and support our kids soo much, sometimes it gets in the way of seeing how to handle things, making us feel as if we would be alienating them. you stick by her side, get educated on addiction and try to understand that your husband may not respond or react the same as you(we are all made different), i know that this can be hard putting a strain on the marriage. be strong, it will pass, let the Lord carry you.

renee


----------



## carillon (Jun 3, 2009)

Now that everything turned out ok and some of the pressure if off, what is the reason her friend had morphine pills to begin with?  Why is she getting large tattoos, which we all know are very expensive, when you had to shell out a lot of money to keep her out of jail?

If I were in your shoes I would be learning a bit more about the crowd she's hanging around with, because I would think it's a bit unusual for anyone in her age group to actually have a prescription for morphine.

I don't know what crime she committed, but it sounds like she needs to get her act together, and her parents bailing her out for stupid decisions she makes time after time isn't going to help her do that.  It's hard I know.  A family friend just went through something similar with their son and he did wind up going to jail.

I don't want to make it sound like I'm judging you or badmouthing your daughter because I'm not and I know it's stressful for you, but sometimes when you're stuck right in the middle of things it can be hard to look beyond a certain point to try and figure out what's really going on until someone else points it out.


----------



## vivcarm (Jun 3, 2009)

Rubato I am so glad things have eased for you, it can't have been easy. I hope that everything will get a lot better fom now on. Take care of yourself and keep strong.


----------



## Deda (Jun 3, 2009)

I'm happy that the crisis has passed.

Everything Carillon said is true, harsh maybe, but true.  

For me, the hardest part about raising my kids was letting them learn from their mistakes.  

Please don't think for even 1 second that I'm saying you did anything wrong.

We all see it so often in our day-to-day lives now. Parents making excuses for bad behavior to save the kids from consequences.  
It starts out small, "Dear Teacher, It's not Johnny's fault he doesn't have his homework.  I accidentally spilled my coffee all over his notebook...."   Next thing you know, Johnny is stealing cars to support his drug habit and mom and dad are still making excuses.  And Johnny? Well, it's still not his fault.

Be strong Deborah, you have a real chance to make a lasting difference in your daughter's life.  We are all pulling for you.


----------



## heyjude (Jun 3, 2009)

Glad to hear that everything turned out so well. As our parents taught us, honesty really is the best policy. Good karma being your other daughter's bday.

Now that you can breathe a sigh of relief, time for some heart to hearts with your daughter.

Stay strong,

Jude


----------



## bodyrocks (Jun 3, 2009)

Desperatly sorry for your pain and the situation you have found yourselves in. Am glad you have found some release in the new revelations.
I'm afraid though I have to agree with Carillon. In your daughters eyes, no matter what she does, you will smooth the way for her.
She has learnt no lessons yet - sadly, she may still have to.

Am so sorry, truly for your pain, raising children is wonderful and wonderfully difficult. 

Thoughts are with you and prayers for strength and the right path for your daughter. x


----------



## rubato456 (Jun 3, 2009)

although i love my daughter very much....i have pegged her as being manipulative and less than honest for years....unfortunately my husband does not agree and we have been at odds for most of our marriage about how to handle her. it has been a great strain on our relationship and family.  i agree that she has not really learned much of a lesson from this....and if the hard lesson comes further down the road....then so be it. i have tried my best not to alienate her or my husband but it has been very difficult. i appreciate everyone's insightful thought and comments.


----------

