# ok need some relationship advice...



## IanT (Apr 4, 2008)

Ok heres the deal, Im with my current girlfriend for almost 4 years now, I have an ex that Ive stayed pretty close with. We broke up sort of mutually, more my decision than hers (not romantically, and not talking often..but the type where we could talk like once or twice every 4-5 months or so and pick up where we left off and catch up and stuff)

My girlfriend now cannot STAND that I have a friendship with her still and it drives her mad (she doesnt know much of the nitty-gritty details of the old relationship), fights ensue sometimes but I mean what can I do?? I dont want to not be friends with someone just because my GF isnt in to them. The main thing that bothers her is we were romantically and sexually involved (but havent been for...gosh I dont know 5 years or so?? or more??...since i left for college and BEFORE that even...escapes memory)

Should I feel wrong about hanging out with her once and a while, maybe like once every few months to go for a cup of coffee or something like that?? its nothing too extravagant...I will be meeting with her on Monday night because one of the jobs i applied for just so happens to be one shes scouting for at the agency she works for (I know...small world!!...was so suprised when I got the call). I was thinking of maybe going for some coffee with her after my interview, kind of a mutual suggestion because I havent talked to her in the longest time...

but my girl is laying the guilt trip on me HEAVY.... and its driving me nuts. Im not saying the girl Im with now is the ONE, but I dont want this to be really detrimental to the relationship. I understand the jelousy and whatnot of your dude talking with his ex but is there a way to calm her down to it or is it just something I should not even pursue??


Im so honest it sometimes works against me as I do not feel right holding things back from her (or anyone really for that matter...)


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## CiCi (Apr 4, 2008)

I don't see anything wrong with innocent relationships, but it is the doubt that the relationship is innocent that seems to be causing the problem, yes? Seems like your present GF is insecure with you and her relationship, otherwise, the friendship with ex GF would not even bother her. Your present GF evidently cares a lot about you. Why not just introduce them, which would quell some of her insecurities. Also, when talking to your GF about ex...why don't you sometimes include ex's other half as part of  the conversation, such as "So and so and her BF are planning a trip to such and such" or something that would let GF know that ex has her other life with someone else and that you are just a friend. Difficult, but you may be able to mellow out the situation somewhat.


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## IanT (Apr 4, 2008)

i dont think its so much  the doubt that the relationship is innocent as the fact that it was once a sexual relationship in the past?? Im not sure how to go about smoothing that over because I cant take back the past (and wouldnt want to!! I am who I am!) Ive tried to stress that she has another life etc sometimes but it kind of goes in one ear and out the other... (shes a Leo birthsign...dont know it that helps at all but she definitely fits the profile lol)... 

maybe going out on a double date or something would work...I hadnt really thought of that avenue because i dont want her to feel uncomfortable being in the same room as someone i had previously been romantic with etc... 

I really appreciate your advice !...Ive got to try to mellow it out  because I really care about my girlfriend and I care about my ex as well in terms of friendship, we were together through some TOUGH times in both of our lives...deaths, divorce, moves etc. Shes someone who will always be in my life whether anyone likes it or not because we are just close like that...you know what im saying??


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## Tabitha (Apr 4, 2008)

Why do you need to see the X? What is she adding to your life that you don't get from your GF or your other friends? I wouldn't like it if my husband did it & I would never do it. I think it is asking for problems.  What would you do if your girlfriend told you she was having dinner with a guy she had an intimare relationship with? What if she started to see him from time to time? I just don't see the point.


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## IanT (Apr 4, 2008)

I know what your saying, but I have real close friendship with her, so its like i dont want her to be out of my life completely (as she pretty much has been except catching up from time to time and stuff..)... The point is that Im in a transition point in life and transitioning from social groups and need more positive friends that arent trying to get me arrested etc...She is one of my positive friends, but Im really trying not to chill with alot of the people I was before because I dont want to be in that lifestyle anymore. Too much stress...and now that im 'out' I want to stay as far as I can from it.

I know it will probably create problems, I just wish there was a way to expalin it to her or let her see it from my point of view so it doesnt freak her out...Thats why I am hoping on meeting some more positive people around my job/career Im trying to get into since its a positive field where people are trying to make a good impact in peoples lives...then develop a social circle from there instead of going back to my old one right now just because I need some social contact (ive isolated myself pretty much lately...)


... :?


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## Tabitha (Apr 4, 2008)

> I just wish there was a way to expalin it to her or let her see it from my point of view so it doesnt freak her out


 Who is her? the X or the GF?


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## IanT (Apr 4, 2008)

ohh sorry for not specifying...her = GF in that case.

Joanna (the ex) kind of understands where shes coming from because alot of our past relaitonships werent able to comprehend the bond that we share either...which is why we kind of dont keep in REAL close contact...but close enough to catch up every now and then


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## Soapmaker Man (Apr 4, 2008)

Ian, I feel for you.  It is a difficult decision.  I can see your GF's point, and since you need positive influences, your side too! :?  I sure don't envy your situation.

Paul


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## CiCi (Apr 4, 2008)

IanT said:
			
		

> I know what your saying, but I have real close friendship with her, so its like i dont want her to be out of my life completely (as she pretty much has been except catching up from time to time and stuff..)... The point is that Im in a transition point in life and transitioning from social groups and need more positive friends that arent trying to get me arrested etc...She is one of my positive friends, but Im really trying not to chill with alot of the people I was before because I dont want to be in that lifestyle anymore. Too much stress...and now that im 'out' I want to stay as far as I can from it.
> 
> I know it will probably create problems, I just wish there was a way to expalin it to her or let her see it from my point of view so it doesnt freak her out...Thats why I am hoping on meeting some more positive people around my job/career Im trying to get into since its a positive field where people are trying to make a good impact in peoples lives...then develop a social circle from there instead of going back to my old one right now just because I need some social contact (ive isolated myself pretty much lately...)... :?



I can really relate to your friendship with ex. I have an ex who will ALWAYS have a place in my heart. We are friends and see each other, maybe every 5-10 years. We talk and play catch up on each other's lives. It is no more than a friendship but we know we will always have that special spot, deep within each other's hearts. He has his life and I have mine. Our relationship goes back 27 years. I definitely know where you are coming from.


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## IanT (Apr 5, 2008)

Soapmaker Man said:
			
		

> Ian, I feel for you.  It is a difficult decision.  I can see your GF's point, and since you need positive influences, your side too! :?  I sure don't envy your situation.
> 
> Paul



I appreciate the kind words paul, believe me it has be HARD over the past months, I had been struggling with my own demons as well but am proud to say I am past them now... I had to call on my ancestors for help and strength, I definitely feel that I have been helped and driven back on course with their help. If I had gone with the lifestyle I was adhering to one year ago...or even with the living arangements I was contemplating, I would not be talking to you right now. I was one of the smart ones, and never had bad reprecussions come to me (Thank God)...but others I was associated with have not been as lucky. 

Im just so glad with my decision to distance myself, to isolate myself almost entirely, and not look back...probably the smartest and hardest decisions I have made. But I feel its time to come out of my cave so to speak...My heart has a song to sing, and Ive got to sing it to the world.



> I can really relate to your friendship with ex. I have an ex who will ALWAYS have a place in my heart. We are friends and see each other, maybe every 5-10 years. We talk and play catch up on each other's lives. It is no more than a friendship but we know we will always have that special spot, deep within each other's hearts. He has his life and I have mine. Our relationship goes back 27 years. I definitely know where you are coming from.



Cici- you truly have something as my ex and I do...I dont know where I would be without having her in my life when I was younger...There were some hard times, lots of friends I left behind throughout the many places I lived, but she was the one I really kept in contact with and still remain in contact with...I just dont want to let my present relationship get in the way of that...Its invaluable to me.


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## Laelu (Apr 5, 2008)

I think it is more a matter of trust & comfort in the current relationship. Make her feel that she is the most important to you and that you are NOT trying to live in the past. 
When I first met my husband he was living with his ex. No they were not in a relationship at the time but were together for many year and had a very close friendship (and still do!) but I have always trusted my husband & knew there was no "funny business" going on.  
But also saying that... most of my mates that I hang out with are boys, and my hubby has no problems at all with that. If I want to go out he hubby doesn't he even says, "Why dont' you ask (Name), its more his thing than mine!"  But he knows them all and is also is comfortable that it is nothing more than friendship. He always has a laugh cause he thinks some of them have a crush but I never step over the line & all my mates respect me too much to do so either.
You need to need to emphasis the trust, respect & love that you have for your girlfriend to make her feel comfortable with you seeing an ex.
But always remember too if it isn't meant to be don't force it!


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## Missjulesdid (Apr 5, 2008)

Ian, if your GF is getting angry that you are seeing communicating with your ex, just remember that anger is a secondary emotion.. she is just expressing her HURT and FEAR... 

If you value your relationship with your GF then you should be less concerned with how your relationship with the GF is getting in the way of the relationship with the ex, and be a bit more concerned with how your relationship with the ex is hurting the GF.

Everytime you choose the ex it's a slap in the face to the gf.. maybe not intended by you but it's what she feels just the same to her. and don't go using the fact that you have some mystical connection with the ex as a reason to keep seeing her.. if anything its all the more reason NOT to see her, and more reason that your girlfriend feels threatened...

The fact that "nothing happens" is irrelevant because it sounds like emotionally something is happening if you're willing to hurt your GF in order to see this ex.

Personally I'm in the minority I think... I believe that when you are married, (or living as though you were married in your case) you have no business having close friends of the opposite sex. Be friends with other couples, or be friends all together with the wife. I know I'm going to sound very old fashoned and a bit like a zealot, but having friends of a different gender is just opening the door to temptation and ruin. Now, I'm not saying that you Ian would actually step through that door, many don't... but there are many who do... good people just like you who don't intend on hurting anyone, yet they do.. So why risk it?

ok, sermon over, I'll step down from the pulpit now.


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## Tabitha (Apr 5, 2008)

> The fact that "nothing happens" is irrelevant because it sounds like emotionally something is happening if you're willing to hurt your GF in order to see this ex.


I agree fully w/ this quote.



> I just dont want to let my present relationship get in the way of that...Its invaluable to me.


 Now study this quote. It sure looks backwards to me. Is your current relationship invaluable?


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## IanT (Apr 5, 2008)

Its valuable...but not INVALUABLE... I mean I know it sounds off...but I mean we are going through some stuff too right now, I wouldnt say that either of us are getting all of our needs fulfilled (though I dont try to seek to fulfill them elsewhere...I feel I need more of a social life than my girlfriend alone). I think we made the decision to move in with eachother prematurely, which is why we have decided to get separate housing soon, kind of to save the relationship. Im super affectionate (and tend to be a bit clingy and suffocating ..her words, not mine) but thats just one of the ways I show love, Im a romantic...thats a fire I cannot extinguish nor want to. So its tough for me sometimes when my GF is mostly in the mood to not be around people (including myself..) kind of just makes me feel all the more isolated, and sometimes kind of hurts...but I have a feeling this is derived from our living situation and may change when we get separate housing, just have to be patient and wait. 

Im kind of like laelu where most of my friends in the past have been girls, so being in a relationship and then having that is kind of tough too...I think Im just too..'intense' or contemplative or dominant  or something for a lot of guys, and the ones I have bonded with either live 1000 miles away in NY or Ive bonded with through not-so-positive venues. Tab/Jules...I understand what your saying. Im kind of old school too, and I am a man of my word... a word that I never go back on or break, I go by the old school Italian respect (hold doors, pull out chairs, nothing private is repeated etc..)...thats just how i was raised. jules, that definitely opened my eyes up a little though, and I appreciate it as well as Tab...

I mean if it came down to it and I had an option to go back with the ex, I would not take it.. I dont want to be in a relationship with her again. I just want her to remain a close friend. and Im not going to just write her off out of my life, ya know?? I cant...because she is part of the reason I am who I am and where I am today. Shes part of my story, my childhood foundation...and for someone like me who didnt have much of a steady foundation growing up, the consistency of a friendship like this (one of the only consistencies Ive experienced) is absolutely invaluable to me. 

My current relationship means very much to me, I love the woman I am with very much, its not like I am seeing my ex on a weekly basis or consistent basis or anything (this will be the 1st time Ive seen her in...gosh...4 or 5 months??) I could see if I was seeing her regularly I dont think that would be ethical but I think to be able to keep in contact and talk once and a while and see eachother to catch up (and buy her a cup of coffee for her Bday this past month which I owe her still) is not really 'wrong' at least in my eyes...


maybe thats just where I have trouble, I see things from her side of the equation but maybe sometimes my vision is clouded or biased because this is one of the only consistencies Ive had in my life...

 :?


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## breathenatural (Apr 8, 2008)

I know I am a lttle late Ian, I think you were going out this past Monday. 

I agree with a lot of what everyone is saying, including you. 

Here is my suggestion...


Not sure if anyone else already suggested...I read through so much...
How about inviting GF out with Ex sometime, so she can decide for herself that she is a good person and understand why you have a relationship. 
It is probably the fact that she doesn't feel included in the coffee dates that bugs her too. 

Hope you got it all sorted out, 

Jill


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## Woodi (Apr 8, 2008)

I was about to say almost what Jules above here just said....bring your GF along with you when you see your ex. (only, I would suggest she go every time she wants to).
If you can't, I would sit yourself down and seriously ask what kind of relationship you are having/want to have with your GF....and how would you feel if she walked?

A man who wants to keep two women very close to him emotionally (unless they are childhood friends, or relatives)  is not a man I would want to have a close personal relationship with, especially not a live-in, intimate one. My husband is my best friend, confidante and sole intimate partner, and we have a very solid, long-term bond of 26.5 years now. We were both married before, and he had a hard time breaking from his ex wife. 

Isn't this something to do with that old expression: "wanting your cake.....or 2 cakes?


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## NEASoapWorks (Apr 8, 2008)

*Ex*

Relationships change, over time. When there has been a romantic/sexual involvement, there's _often_ some type of residual "bond" that may never go away, on its own. Sometmes you can't be "just friends", because there's too much history. OFTEN, there's some feelings that _still _remain, with at least one of the two people, because there was an intimate relationship. It's tricky and not worth messing up a current, solid, serious relationship.

I just had a discussion about this, with a male friend, who couldn't understand why his wife felt uneasy, when he chose to "meet for drinks" with an "ex", for "old time's sake". As one who is somebody's "ex-girlfriend", I would NEVER intrude on my ex's relationship with his current love. I would never ask him to meet me for lunch/dinner, with just the two of us. It's not appropriate, in my opinion. If I'm so much of a "friend", then I should be willing to _change my role_, if it causes stress in the current relationship. "Friends" are willing to step back, and allow an ex to move on.

My male friend kept saying, "Well, we were friends before I met my wife!". My response? Well, if she's _that_ important to you, why didn't you marry..._her_? As a _wife,_ she has the right to say, "I'm uncomfortable with you meeting with Sheila alone". She's not "Dr. Phil" material, because of it, either. She's the "alpha female", asking her man to respect her position, and tell "Sheila" to go find a new sandbox. You marry your "best friend", right?

In closing (I'm long winded), there's such a thing as "relationship hierarchy", and it transcends lengths of TIME. For instance, you may have friends that you've known since you were children. BUT, your OWN children are higher on the relationship scale, even though they've only been in your life, for the past...10 years. It's a "weightier" relationship, and has higher "rank". That's an extreme example, but it drives my point, hopefully.


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## IanT (Apr 8, 2008)

Jill and everyone else, 
yeahhh so i decided not to go monday (at least this time) but that doesnt mean I wont in the future, it was more because the interview at her job agency wasnt going to work out. I agree that part of the reason she feels that was is because she doesnt know my ex, so maybe it would be good to see if we could have them meet but I dont know if my girl would go for it though, shes real timid and I dont want to make her feel uncomfortable since shed be in the same room with someone i had been intimate with in the past??....

The thing is we do work well as just friends beacause we both know that we arent really meant for a relationship thats more than that. I dont think theres residual feelings for her of any kind, just residual respect. But I do have to respect my current relationship...

I dont think Id go out for drinks with my ex, just because A) I dont drink and B) I think its a little suggestive as a date.

going to get some coffee and catch up on things in my mind is a little different, maybe I should try to have it so there are more people if we decide to hang out and I d love for my lady to come along but i dont know if she would go for it...just kind of set in her ways I guess...



On a side note (not having to do with the ex-meeting up situation)


my girl and I really dont hang out much anymore because of the stresses of living together (which is why we are getting separate housing next month when our lease ends)...kind of both need time to grow in two separate places and see what happens from there, if the relationship doesnt work then it doesnt...if it does work it does... I just want to make sure we are both getting our needs met and we are both happy. 

I mean part of the reason we dont hang out is I cant do anything that requires money right now (and try to get her to do other stuff that doesnt but then its a time management thing and she likes ALOT of time to herself)...just got a job so i started earning some money (though it is boring as all H*** staring at a computer screen for 8hrs a day putting black boxes over SSN's) 

 I just hope the situation with my girl and I changes when we get our own places, and with the new job...a positive social group. Looking forward to it but patience is the key. 

I think the problem in this relationship right now is we are very opposite (though opposites attract) and im REALLY affectionate (typical Italian romantic to the fullest) and she is just not...and the fact that I had gone to New York to work with my fam 2 weeks through everything in the relationship off because she felt i was abandoning her etc even though i explained what was up, so it kind of totally screwed our intimacy up (though even before that it hasnt been so intimate between us for a while...again, the living situation (her words not mine...)....)   I just dont want to get bored with it before there could possibly be changes that are positive.

I mean we have really good communication and last night we actually watched a movie together and I got to snuggle up on the couch with her (the first physical contact we've had in LORD knows how long....  :?
)...


I guess the new living situation will be what either makes or breaks us...I need more affection up in this relationship! but I have to fight it sometimes because I know Im kind of clingy at times and just want to find a middle ground, I think im rambling...just got a lot on my mind and not many people to talk to about it right now given my situation...

I just feel like im not getting enough intensive-togetherness in this situation right now...does that make sense at all???



Im going to stop for now because Ill just keep gooooing lol.....


what do you all think??


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## gallerygirl (Apr 8, 2008)

Ian - gut feelings were given to us for a reason....k


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## IanT (Apr 8, 2008)

:evil:  :evil:  :evil:  :evil: I cant WAIT til we get our own apartments.... ARHGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :evil:  :evil:  :evil:  :evil: 


tonight SUCKED. in such a horrible mood right now...

gallery-the walk didnt help much. on to the meditation...and my book...

 :evil:


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## WilsonFamilyPicnic (Apr 9, 2008)

i've refrained from commenting, but my 2 cents and they ain't pretty....

living together is a good test of your relationship. everything is peachy until you've been there for a while and get comfortable and then you either realize that its going to work and i can put up with his habits or realize that if i have to sit across the table and listen to that chewing for the rest of my life one of us isn't going to make it....

you can have a good relationship, but ultimately, you want to be with this person forever and live with them. i've known people who have over the years, dated, lived together, break up move out, start dating, wonder why things didn't work out, move in, oh yeah now i remember....

sometimes you can work out your issues, but it is work. and it takes work and give from both people. 

and i hate to be the bearer of bad news, but from reading your posts, it sounds like your brain is already heading in one direction.

not that i am trying to push you one direction or the other. you need to do a lot of soul searhing. if its worth hanging on and fixing find out if she's willing to do the work with you, it not, remember it takes a big person to knwo when to let go. its harder to go than it is to stay. take a tip from the gambler....


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## mandy93 (Apr 9, 2008)

Sorry-really late on this one. Anyway, you have already said that you are not sure that she is the ONE...and you have been with her for 4 years? I would think after 4 years you would just KNOW.... and on top of that, if you have not been with the ex in 5 years you were what? 17?! Maybe you need to remind your GF about that......this was a teenage relationship....

Anyway, I am the one who is not too secure I guess, so I can see your GF point. HOWEVER I do not voice my opinion to my husband, because quite honestly, he has been amazing with this in our life. He has let me keep in contact with several EX's. In fact, the night the one's mother passes away-he was at our house! He got the call, left to go be with her, and then came back to our house for a shoulder to cry on.....my husband has always been great in this area. He trusts me to make the right choices. (Not that he is perfect in other areas....far from it. And also not that he has not had moments, but he never worries about people from the past-because he knows that I know the reason we all split. Now, give him a brand new person and he will get jumpy. HA)

Now, when we were first dating my husband was a jerk about a male friend of mine that I had NOT dated, but they are actually friends now, and I usually get left out so they can do things! I just stood my gournd and hoped that he would come around, and if he would not, then I figured he was not the right person. 

So I guess if it were me, and I knew that this person was not the "one" and I had a connection with this person from my past, I would explain it like it is, and just remind her that if you had something to hide then you would not tell her about it. You are being honest, so she should be glad that you are not sneaking around. 

Hugs!!


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## 7053joanne (Apr 9, 2008)

I'm sorry but I would have to agree completely with Wilson on this one.  And not for nuthin but I think you already know it. Sorry Ian! :? 

joanne


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## IanT (Apr 9, 2008)

No its ok... I feel like Im heading in that direction too but I dont want to make decisions while Im upset or mad, I think it really is at least worth seeing what itll turn out like when we are living apart...I mean I gave it four yrs whats another 4 weeks??.... Im just sick of the negativity from her, if it doesnt work out when we are living apart then Im done with it. Ill have to walk away. I was smoldering all day at work, couldnt get it off my mind... talked to my mom, she kind of said just to wait on it for a bit and see what happens. We shall see...I mean I really do love her....just got to see if this will work out as a relationship and if we can work out our differences and grow from it...ayeee...so much on the brain. I just hope I get a career started soon so at least that aspect of my life is stable...this job right now is SO boring I have to stay on teas to keep me awake (wont drink coffee..yuck!)...

still havent talked to her though, in my room with the door closed..not even sure if shes home yet, Im not ready to talk to her yet...need the cool-down period to complete before i even consider it.


aayyeee choices...choices....


I really appreciate all the advice and opinions...helps me sort my thoughts out to see different POV's

thank you all...will let you k now how tonight goes later on.


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## gallerygirl (Apr 9, 2008)

:shock:   What????????  You don't like coffee??????  :shock:   lol.  k


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## IanT (Apr 10, 2008)

lol yeahh! i dont know ever since i was a kid and smelling my parents breath after they drank it....eeeew lol.... and the caffeine literally makes my eyes look like this  :shock:  lol for like 3 days


.... And yes, we made up tonight... so that is good. didnt really talk about it but anything is better than nothing...we will talk about it tomorrow probably...waiting to see the outcome of what happens when we move apart...


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