# Did I do the Right Thing?



## ChrissyB (Nov 9, 2010)

My daughter is 16. For the last couple of months she has been seeing a boy. Her first "proper" boyfriend. He's a really nice kid and seems to have his head screwed on, has his own car that he saved for, a job. 
I was cleaning her room this morning and picked her bag up and a chemist bag fell out...it was for the morning after pill. I didn't know if I should say something or not, but I thought, no, I'm her mother...she needs to be able to come to me with this stuff. I put the packet on the table and said "is there something you want to talk to me about?". She burst into tears. I told her it was ok, I just want her to talk to me. I had my son when I was 17, I don't want that to happen to her.  My mother never talked to me about contraception. I fell pregnant to my first boyfriend.Sooo, she told me what happened...at the boyfriends house for the first time without his parents home, one thing led to another and they had sex. The condom broke. So she went and got the morning after pill straight away. Like within an hour. She wasn't on any other contraception...we have talked about it and I told her she just has to tell me when and we will go to the doctor. So, I gave her the money back for the morning after pill. It cost her $30. She has a job and earns her own little bit of money, and I thought of making her wear the cost as a little lesson to her, but it takes two to tango, and I don't want to shut down the lines of communication. We have a doctors appointment tomorrow, she wants me to go in there, and discuss contraceptive methods. 
She just texted me and said she'd told the bf that i found the pills, and he is coming over this afternoon to give me back the money. She said he was always going to give it back to her, but he wants to come and give it to me himself. I think that takes guts for a teenager to do. 
So, what do you think, did I handle this ok? I'm a little shell shocked really. It really hits you when you realise your kids are growing up.


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## soapbuddy (Nov 9, 2010)

Sounds like all of you handled it really well.


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## carebear (Nov 9, 2010)

You sound like a fantastic mom.  And you have a wonderful daughter with a seriously fabulous boyfriend.

I'm so proud of all 3 of you I'm actually all choked up.

Nicely handled.

(remind her, though, that it's not only about preventing pregnancy.  STDs suck, and some of them kill)


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## ChrissyB (Nov 9, 2010)

Thanks guys.  
We talked about STD's. I told her even if we go to the doc and she starts the pill, they still need to use condoms. 
I remember what it's like at that age, kids are going to do what they want regardless, so I think it's better to be communicative and open and educate her. It's hard, in my head she's still my baby, but it's the right thing to do. I told her it's important to be responsible for herself.
This whole teenage thing is quite bamboozling really!


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## Sunny (Nov 9, 2010)

I think you handled it soo well. Her boyfriend sounds super too. It's so hard to be 16 years old and it's wonderful that she was able to tell you what happened.
Although I don't understand why he would think he needs to pay her for the morning after pills, they're both responsible for something like that. And yes I think it's fair for her to pay for that herself, but it was nice of you to give her the money for it.

It's amazing that she could talk to you about this!


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## cmd439 (Nov 9, 2010)

Wow, how very open and mature of all of you.  You can't keep them from having sex, but you can keep them safe.  I would even consider buying the condoms because they might get lazy, which is not good.  I'm curious what the boyfriend said.


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## Deda (Nov 10, 2010)

You're a great mom.  You're raising a wonderful woman.

Real character isn't never making mistakes, it's owning up to them and handling the consequences.  You should be very very proud!


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## ChrissyB (Nov 10, 2010)

aw you guys have all made me blush!
I totally agree that we can't stop them having sex, but can teach them to be safe. She's a really good girl, and I know that for her to "go all the way" with this boy he must mean an awful lot to her. Obviously, this is her first boyfriend. She is very mature. She's not spending every waking moment with him, she still has school, friends, home, work, and now the boyfriend as well, and she is fitting in everything just fine. Not neglecting her friends or school, so I'm ok with it. She knows now that she can talk to me. I didn't make a big deal out of it, and told her i was proud of her for acting so quickly, not sitting on it for a few days and then doing something. 
The boyfriend is two years older than her, like I said, he has a job, is a second year apprentice, still lives at home with his parents, he's a really nice kid. He did come over and give me the money...and thanked me for being so understanding and not judgemental. I told him we were all young once upon a time. He said "you're a legend".  :shock: 
So that's my saga for the day over and done with...dr's visit tomorrow and we'll discuss her options with the dr...I'm thinking just the oral pill, she's good at remembering things so I know she'll take it...unless the dr recommends something else.
Tasha, I think he is a really responsible guy...he wanted to pay for the pills, I told him it's not about the $$$, but about accepting the consequences for our actions. He said "it's the right thing to do".


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## nattynoo (Nov 10, 2010)

Wow Chrissy...its true.. your a wonderful Mum & you handled everything so well.
U should feel so wonderful about that.
Teens....blerrrr...  I've got a 16 yr old.


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## kittywings (Nov 10, 2010)

I agree, Chrissy, very well-handled!


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## BakingNana (Nov 10, 2010)

Those young people show amazing character.  I know where your daughter got hers!  It must be a wonderful feeling for your daughter to know that her mother is there for her.


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## ChrissyB (Nov 10, 2010)

You guys are all the best!!
Thanks!


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## agriffin (Nov 10, 2010)

Oh wow!  I don't think that could have gone better!  You handled it wonderfully.  And kudos for the boyfriend even coming around after being found out!  Most would tuck and run!  lol  That shows guts and maturity.

Great job!


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## cmd439 (Nov 10, 2010)

Make sure to get her Gardasil, if she hasn't had it already.


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## pixybratt (Nov 10, 2010)

I think You handled it very well, now your daughter knows she can talk to you about anything.

I have 2 boys 18 and 21 I started having open talks with them when they were about 13 and at 15 I took them to the free clinic and showed them where to get condoms. I would never change being a young mom, but it wasn't something I wished for them to go through...


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## BakingNana (Nov 10, 2010)

cmd439 said:
			
		

> Make sure to get her Gardasil, if she hasn't had it already.



They're running ads now suggesting boys be vaccinated, also.


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## Sunny (Nov 10, 2010)

Okay, gotcha Chrissy! Very mature of him and both of them.
I agree that oral contraceptives are usually the way to go!


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## Laurie (Nov 10, 2010)

I'm a big believer in communication even if it is negative or really hard.

I hope you don't mind me asking this question.  I know you talked around all the options about having sex and all it's consequences.  But did you talk about the option of not having sex and all it's consequences?

When I was a teen my mom told me if I got pregnant we were going to keep the baby. ( Many, many moons ago) Hence she assumed I was going to have sex.  She was very non-communicative and now that I have raised 4 I wish that she would have talked to me about why I might not want to have sex until the right time.  That option wasn't presented.

All the best to you.

Laurie


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## ilove2soap (Nov 10, 2010)

Wow!  It can be a very fine line between being their "Mom" and also "friend", but you handled it just beautifully!  In my job I work with a LOT of teen mothers.  Most of them lacked the support and positive communication with their mother that you obviously have with your own daughter.  I love that you approached the situation in a way that brought about positive resolution for all involved. Maybe you should change your Avatar name to SoapmakingPsychologist


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## cmd439 (Nov 11, 2010)

I agree...SoapMakingPsychologist


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## ChrissyB (Nov 11, 2010)

Yes, she has had the Gardasil, they did that as part of a school vaccination program. 
We had a good talk...I told her it's ok to be with someone and NOT want to have sex...she said" that's why he's different, I do want to". And I told her that if she's said yes once, twice, or a hundred times, it's still ok to say no too, if that's how she feels. I told her she is a beautiful young woman, and it's her body, nobody elses, and it's her right to say no. 
She said she knows now there's nothing she can't tell me, and I feel good about that. 
As I said, I was  a young mother, too young, I wouldn't change it for the world...but it made life hard. I graduated uni a few years after my friends because I was at home with a baby, I didn't get to travel, all those things. If nothing else, my own situation taught me the right way to handle these things. My own mother never ever ever discussed contraception with me..and looking back the knowledge that I had from magazines..friends etc was way off base. 
To be perfectly honest, I wished she'd waited a little longer, but what's done is done, and it's all ok. This situation would have come up sooner or later so at least that talk is out of the way!


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## chrissy1 (Nov 11, 2010)

You couldn't have handled it any better.  Sound like a very understanding and great mom.


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## loveit_latherit (Nov 11, 2010)

Chrissy beautiful plants can only grow from great seeds! 

Reading your story sounded like a Disney movie! KUDOS!! God bless you and your family ... and IMHO it is best she experience 'normal' growing up things at her age in a healthy relationship. Im sure most of us can remember a scare or two and had NO ONE to talk to or be there for us or not under such good circumstance.

You and your family are blessed


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## ChrissyB (Nov 11, 2010)

Anna, thank you.
I too have thought that this turned out too well...for now. Knowing that she is so emotionally invested in this guy worries me...I remember the pain of teen heartbreak. He seems as into her as she is into him...so we'll worry about that when it happens. He has only had one other girlfriend and was with her for three years, so he's not a fly by nighter, it doesn't seem. 
I'm so glad that I had you guys to talk to you about this...I haven't talked to DH (he isn't the father of my two eldest), and I figured it's a private situation between me and DD that nobody else needs to know about. I feel that she deserves some respectful privacy regarding this, and there isn't anything DH could have done/offered to do that would have bought a better resolution anyway, KWIM?


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## Bean13 (Nov 11, 2010)

Ok, Yes talk to her about birth control.
     Yes buy them condoms
     So thrilled you can talk to your daughter about this stuff and you have an open and understanding relationship.  (wish I had that with my daughter)
     Boyfriend sounds like a take responsible for you own actions kind of young man.  The kind every young woman needs.
     And you handled it very very well.  I always blow up. (probably why I don't have that open relationship with my daughter)
     But think about this.....was she only concerned about being pregnate?  What about STD's?  If she's on the pill she may (in the heat of the moment) say its ok cuz I'm on the pill.  If they just use condoms then she is being protected from most STD's and Pregnancy with the added morning after pill if need be.

Take my advice with a grain of salt because I'm not the brightest crayon in the box and I never know what to say in the moment.  Maybe I'm too old or naive.
Just a thought.  Don't worry.  I still say you handled if absolutely wonderful.  Good Grace with a pat on the back and a hug.


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## ChrissyB (Nov 11, 2010)

Bean, you're absolutely right.
They did use a condom, it broke...that's why they went to get the morning after pill. I told her that now she's on the pill (dr gave her that yesterday), condoms are still necessary, she can take the pill and be responsible for herself...they still have to use condoms and be responsible for each other. I've told her to only consider the pill "an extra safeguard" against pregnancy, but the condoms cover them for everything...including pregnancy. And even though that one did break, I said that's not a regular occurence, and it must have just been the odd one. 
Bean, it's hard, like I said she's still my baby, inside I did want to scream and lock her up...but we all know that wouldn't work.


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