The Ugly Truth - Mostly for Newbies

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So you want to make soap. You've researched for weeks or months, looked at hundreds of pictures of beautiful soaps created by highly creative people hiding behind a facade of "if I can do it you can do it" and encouraging you to jump right in, we're willing to help all we can. Well, the good news is that's the truth.
The rest of the good news is that you can do it but probably won't really listen to all the advice and will go off in some exotic direction that sounds miraculous. No plain basic first timers recipe for you! I speak mostly of someone known to me and that is the reason for this story.
Made that first batch?
Turned out ok?
Second, third and fourth ok, maybe?
SUDDENLY!
Rats!
Something is just not right.
What did I do?
What did I not do?
Never fear, the good folks at SoapMakingForum stand ready to help you figure out what went wrong and correct the problem.
Now, here's the real problem that remains if you find out what happened in the first place. You've got a batch of maybe soap, maybe just a mass of ugly, greasy, oily, sticky FUNK and wonder if you should rebatch, throw it out or put it away out of sight and for the first time in years, pray. Yes, pray that it will turn out ok and this never happens again after cleaning the mess in the oven, on the floor and all over the counter where you set down the leaky mold and stomped out swearing that you were going to start drinking in a dark corner in the basement.
Fast forward several months, or a year or more. You didn't rebatch or throw it out but did hide it away behind all the other soap piling up around you. Every time you take out a bar you see it back there in the back grinning at you, DARING you to throw it out or use it. The bad memories that you can't get past make that soap just ugly. Then one day for some reason you reach back there and pull out one of the bars. Feels ok. Gee, it's not soft, matter of fact it's pretty darn hard! Smells ok, no oily residue. No zap. Kind of a weird shape because you just kinda whacked at it after it, not you, failed. Hmmmm. Maybe you'll give it a shot.
Showershowershower.
showershowershower.
WOW! This stuff is great! Look at all the bubbles and it's hard but creamy and lathers up great! Gotta dig out this recipe. Wonder if I can duplicate it through failure once again. This is just (dare I use the word?) AWESOME.

This is a true story based on someone's attempt to do a column pour that failed and an overheated mess that stayed oily for weeks. The name of the person offending all of the wonderful ingredients will not be revealed but my sources have acquired a picture at great risk to their personal safety and I will show it here. It's just the kinda guy I am. Looking out for you.
What you think is the worst possible soaping event could turn out to be great. It took a looooong time to use one of these bars so I'm told.
Just remember that if it doesn't turn out the way you planned doesn't mean it's not great soap. The proof is in the use, not the appearance. Keep on keepin' on because there are no failures, only LIMITED EDITION COLLECTIBLES.

 
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I have some of those bars taunting me and I should give them a chance. You're a brave person to risk personal harm in order to expose this truth!
 
hehehe. I have a batch that I don't like. still soft after many months. think i'll use it as embeds sometime in the future.....
 
My very first batch was not so lucky. Knowing nothing about soap, I bought drain cleaner. The ingredients said Sodium Hydroxide so I knew it would work. What it didn't list were all the aluminum flakes also embedded in the drain cleaner. It made a wonderful fizzing noise while it was saponifying, but the temps were too high (I think I poured them together when they were at 130º) and I burnt the oils. Yes. I BURNT the oils! It smelled like very rancid bacon grease, even though I'd used vegetable oil. You remember that scene from Alien 4 when Ripley found the incomplete clones begging for death? Yea that's what it looked like. It's somewhere slowly cleaning, yet dissolving part of a landfill somewhere.
 
That story rings so true. I made a super-ugly batch that was mis-shapen, my little Quazimoto of soaps. I tried it because one has to have pity, and it has the best best best lather of any soap I ever made. I have hoarded the rest of the batch and gave only one bar away. I think of my bars down in the basement with great affection and I'm about due for a new bar in the shower. Maybe I'll treat myself!
 
What's sad is when you have a batch that you think is terrible, will never harden and throw away the recipe.

Then months later you find out it's really quite good. :cry:
 
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