Gut check time...

[samirish]

Gut check time and I need your honest opinions here.

My mother in law has 4 children. 3 by birth and 1 she and her husband adopted from an orphanage when the child ( a girl, I will call Tracy for this discussion) was 3 years old.

There was a falling out between Tracy and the rest of the family when Tracy was 19 yrs old. This falling out was 20 yrs ago, and since then, Tracy has made attempts to contact the family but the family will have nothing to do with her.

It never fails, every time there is a family get together "Tracy's" name is brought up. After allot of gossip, my mother in law always concludes the conversation with "well Tracy isn't related to us "by blood" anyhow so it doesn't matter anyways." Keep in mind this was a girl they raised from age 3 to 19yrs old.

While she and her children are entitled to their opinion, it hurts me because my two children ages 15 and 19 are there witnessing this conversation. My husband is their step dad so technically they are step-grandchildren to my husbands mother. Long story short..my kids are not "blood related".

When my mother in law says these things, it hurts because I feel like if she doesnt even recognize her own daughter because she is not "blood related" then really, how can she view my children as true grandchildren as in fact, they are not related "by blood".

Do I have a right to feel offended and hurt or am I just being way too sensitive to the matter? What do you think?

 

[pjones]

I don't know what the falling out was about but it is possible that your mother is hurt by the conflict that happened and by saying "Tracy is not actually family so it doesn't matter" could be her way of distancing herself from the hurtful emotions that she feels inside. Distancing one self from a hurtful situation is not an uncommon way of dealing with such a situation, not the best way of dealing with it either though... Just a thought.

 

[Derpina Bubbles]

I see where you're coming from. She's being insensitive whether she means to be or not. The cool thing about life is that you get to choose how you react. You know your kids are part of the family and are loved by you and your husband. That's what matters. Just know she's processing her own issues and don't let them become your emotional burden. There's a good chance she isn't aware of what she is doing and how it's affecting you, nor intending any harm.

Let's all have Chamomile tea.

 

[The Efficacious Gentleman]

Whilst it's far from nice what she is saying, bear in mind that she isn't saying "non blood relatives don't matter". She's saying that it's easier for her to rarionalise the situation with Tracey as there is no blood-bond.

It doesn't mean that she doesn't love her step-grandchildren any less. The proof of that pudding would be by how she actually treats them!

Keep in mind that if these people took in this girl, raised her from 3 until 19 and then she turned around and threw it in their faces in this falling out (there is nothing here to say who caused it/is in the wrong, but as the whole family fell out with Tracey, then I'm going with Tracey being the issue) then it will hurt Granny even more that this girl could be so ungrateful.

 

[Obsidian]

While granny might be saying this as her way of dealing with the hurt, it still isn't fair to the grandkids. I would ask your husband to sit his mother down and have a talk with her, explain how her words could be hurtful to her non blood related grandkids and if she could tone down her words while they are around.
I also have to wonder what in the heck tracy did to have a whole family keep a grudge for 20 years, you would think that by now they would have gotten over it and moved on. Has your mother in law ever had counseling over this matter? It probably would do a lot of good, as would forgiving tracy her transgressions while she was still a child herself.