frustrated... bf says soap making is too dangerous

[IrishLass]

Oh my goodness! I remember the first time I soaped. It was after months of being too scared by all the horror stories to even begin to want to try, but I finally got up the courage and I put together my own makeshift 'Hazmat' suit. I can laugh about it now, but I was literally covered from the top of my head to the bottoms of my feet in protective clothing with only my eyes barely peeking out, and even those were covered with goggles.

Nowadays it is so much different. I've narrowed it down to only wearing goggles, gloves, and a cooking apron. Oh, and when I am mixing the lye with the water (either in my well ventilated bathroom or in the garage), I use a thick, tightly woven, cotton baby diaper (clean, of course ), folded over on itself about 3 or 4 layers thick with which to cover my nose and mouth with to avoid breathing in any fumes. I hold it in place over my face with my left hand, while I mix my lye water with my right hand. Once that is done (it only takes about 3 minutes) and my lye container is covered, I leave the room and throw the diaper in the laundry hamper.

It sounds more scary and complicated on paper or in theory than it really is when you are actually doing it in real life. To me, it's no more scary, complicated, or dangerous than cleaning one's bathroom with bleach, or driving on the freeway, or making fried chicken in a deepfryer. For each of those things there are cautions to be taken, for sure, but once those cautions are taken, you're good to go.

As someone else suggested on this thread, I think you should let your boyfriend read the responses here on this thread. I also think you should be up-front and honest with him about your plans. You are both adults, and when you get down to it, he has no right, legal or otherwise, to forbid you from doing anything, especially something that is perfectly safe and legal to do. Subterfuge (going behind his back, knowing how he feels), no matter how well-meaning, can be very destructive in a relationship, especially since healthy relationships are built on trust. Just tell him that you're going to do it, and then go ahead and do it. What can he do about it? Accuse you of being honest with him?


IrishLass

 

[Tabitha]

I would just make it when he wasn't home & make sure it's all cleaned up before he gets back.

By him a weekend in Vegas for his birthday & soap away while he is gone-LOL!

Or tell him to take the stick out of his @rse and release you from the leash....dont let anyone control you, like above...I totally agree, youre your own person...shine bright and let no one cloud over you!!

I am not sure I am reading your comment correct Ian, sorry if I am off base. When you wrote don't let anyone control you like above, was the *above* you were refering to my comment? What I was suggesting is that she does not allow him to control her bahavior, that she should do her own thing but avoid a conflict by doing it when he wasn't there. When he returned she could say "see, no problem". The proof/safety would be in the pudding/soap and then maybe the next time do it when he was home. I would ease in slowly & show him it is safe rather than make a verbal attempt that would probably lead into a fight. It's falls into the *don't sweat the small stuff* catagory.

I was joking about Vegas .

 

[Tabitha]

I don't think, as an adult, making an educated decision that does not harm yourself or anyone else, w/o asking permission is going behind someone's back, railroading or dishonest/respectful in any way. The only way this would be going behind someone's back is if you were forbid to do it, promised you wouldn't & did it anyway and then you would have way bigger problems than a little lye! I was in no way suggesting you say "I promise honey, I will ever make soap" & then do it when he wasn't looking.

 

[Guest]

My mom is a bit worrysome about my making soap, but she agrees that we need a some degree of self reliance as a family, hince the goats, garden, and 50 pounds of lye in our china cabnet. I've been burned before, but I just didn't make a big deal out of it.

 

[IanT]

I would just make it when he wasn't home & make sure it's all cleaned up before he gets back.

By him a weekend in Vegas for his birthday & soap away while he is gone-LOL!

Or tell him to take the stick out of his @rse and release you from the leash....dont let anyone control you, like above...I totally agree, youre your own person...shine bright and let no one cloud over you!!

I am not sure I am reading your comment correct Ian, sorry if I am off base. When you wrote don't let anyone control you like above, was the *above* you were refering to my comment? What I was suggesting is that she does not allow him to control her bahavior, that she should do her own thing but avoid a conflict by doing it when he wasn't there. When he returned she could say "see, no problem". The proof/safety would be in the pudding/soap and then maybe the next time do it when he was home. I would ease in slowly & show him it is safe rather than make a verbal attempt that would probably lead into a fight. It's falls into the *don't sweat the small stuff* catagory.

I was joking about Vegas .

let me clarify! ....Like those SAID above...(I was agreeing with you! )

 

[Lucy]

Does he forbid you to do other things as well?

 

[Tabitha]

Ian, Oh, I ended up figuring that out his morning but I couldn't get online. I originally thougt you were suggesting that by soaping when he wasn't there rather than in front of him she would be being controled, it dawned on me later that was not what you meant :wink: .

 

[Sholdy]

I confess that, If my husband decided he wanted to buy a motorcyle, I would say "Over my dead body!". Maybe MaRanda's boyfriend is just very concerned she will get hurt. Education is the solution for that.

But there's a difference. At least in my mind: It's a lot less likely that somebody will be killed making soap than riding a motorcycle.

P.S. For GAWD's sake, people, if nothing else please wear goggles! Soap naked if you want, but protect your eyes. I don't care how many batches you've made safely, your vision is something you don't want to take any chances with.

 

[fladais]

I confess that, If my husband decided he wanted to buy a motorcyle, I would say "Over my dead body!".

my husband wants one so i told him he could get one if he trippled his life insurance.

 

[Guest]

Yeah, it sucks being blind... :shock:

 

[IanT]

Yup I hear that...thats one thing I dont useually skimp on...Ive got to get those cool lab glasses though and retire my old carpenter goggles that are crooked...yeeaaah...not fun to wear...I come out of a soap session looking like i was snorkling for 2 hrs lol...

 

[sunflwrgrl7]

It sounds like your BF is just worried about the danger and uneducated about how dangerous it really is not. I have a similar situation, but not quite the same. My husband won't allow lye into the house while we have young children. So, I don't use lye. Now, when I say he won't allow it, it is not in a controlling, abusive way - we have a good marriage, we are equal partners, and, you know what, relationships take quite a bit of compromise. We talked about the whole thing, and frankly I can see his point about not wanting caustic stuff in the house when he have a highly investigative 2 year old. So, I'm quite okay with our agreement. (When the kids are older, this will not be an issue.)

But like I said, my situation is different. Instead of scrapping a relationship because he's freaking out about lye, as some people have suggested, maybe you need to just get to the heart of the matter.

1. Identify why he is afraid. Really get down to the nitty gritty and figure out what he is afraid of. Is he afraid of explosions? Is he afraid that you're going to splash lye on yourself and experience horrible pain and disfigurement? Is he afraid that the lye will be mistaken for something else and cause whoever uses it to unwittingly harm themselves? This is going to take some sitting down and hashing out.

2. Use reasonable statements to calm his fears. This is where you need to educate him. Tell him what the real risks might be, so that his imagination doesn't run wild on him. Talk to him about his unreasonable fears he might have and tell him why the scenario in his head won't happen. Tell him what the actual dangers are and how you can very safely avoid those dangers.

3. Compromise. If it's a case of being afraid of the actual lye, figure out a game plan that he will be comfortable with. Do you need to lock it in a cupboard while not in use? Do you need to soap while he is out of the house? Do you need to compromise and wear suitable protective gear while working with lye? Come up with an agreement that you are both happy with, based on both sides being reasonable and safety concious.

And really, everyone, can we be just a little bit nicer when talking about spouses and significant others who might just need a little education or who might just need a little more communication and patience? Just because a loved one has an unreasonable moment does not mean that the relationship should be tossed out the window. It's how the unreasonableness is dealt with and resolved that's important. Obviously if there is actual abuse, then one must get out of the relationship, but who here can admit to being the perfect spouse or significant other all the time??

 

[SoapyGal]

I think the important point has been made, and stands on its own merit:

Do not allow another person to control you and treat you disrespectfully, in any circumstance, not just in a soap-making situation. Period.

Whether that person is a significant other, or a neighbor.

Being controlled is not part of any "equal" partnership. It's part of a master-slave relationship. But of course, if that's what floats your boat, then by all means, knock yourself out.

 

[sunflwrgrl7]

Being controlled is not part of any "equal" partnership. It's part of a master-slave relationship. But of course, if that's what floats your boat, then by all means, knock yourself out.

Wow, I was just trying to see past the frustration and suggest that maybe, just maybe they need to sit down, talk about it, and come to some sort of compromise. Relationships take compromise. And sometimes, when you vent in an online anonymous forum like this, it is easy to get out all your frustration and make it seem like it's worse than it might actually be.

I absolutely agree being controlled is NOT part of an equal partnership, but having a few bumps in the road and a little give and take is. No need to insult someone who's just trying to give a little perspective.

 

[SoapyGal]

No need to insult someone who's just trying to give a little perspective.

I wasn't insulting anyone. It's a shame you took it personally.

My response was not directed at anyone. The first person reference that you highlighted in your post wasn't meant to single out a particular poster in this thread... I was talking about any human being, in general, on this planet.... it's not about you.

I could have replaced a few of the words in it to make sure nobody misunderstood & thought I was pointing a finger at one person in particular, but it wouldn't flow as easily.... but, I'll give it a try:

But of course, if that's what floats a person's boat, then by all means, that person should knock their own self out.

Yeah, see, it doesn't have any flow. It's like a really bad rebatch.... it's very gloppy.

Next time, you should clarify with the poster first and find out if they're referring to you before assuming that it was directed at you. The same thing happened on the first page, I think, where Tabitha misunderstood and thought that Ian was possibly referring to her, and she politely asked him if that's what he meant.... then he was able to explain himself. These forums make it easy for people to misunderstand the spirit in which something was said, and it's best to reserve judgement until you're sure what the poster meant.

 

[digit]

If DH comes in while I am soaping, I just say "Danger, Will Robinson". (We watched the same programs as kids) He puts his hands up and walks out. When I take a break, I yell "hot kitchen" and he stays out.

Digit

 

[Guest]

Fire in the hole!!! Toxic waste everywhere!!! Get the heck out or you'll probably die from exposure to toxic waste!!!

"Do you have any understanding that here I am wearing a respirator, chemical splash goggles and extremely thick chemical resistant gloves and there you are without anything at all, so maybe this wouldn't be a good time for you to linger?"

This soapmaking makes operating a nuclear reactor look like mere child's play! Kids, don't try this at home.

 

[Martin]

Must have scared MaRanda off :shock:

 

[Tabitha]

That is exactly what I was thinking. When she returns she is going to have to defend her whole relationship since everyone has read so much into hers & everyone elses response.

 

[sunflwrgrl7]

SoapyGal - I humbly apologize. I thought since some of the words I had used were in your post, that it was directed at me, and I am very sorry I misunderstood.

You are right, I should have checked first, that was my mistake.

I'm almost 7 months pregnant and I was very tired last night, I was easily upset and terribly moody (the pregnancy hormones do not help!). I shouldn't have posted at that time at all. I hope you except my apology.

(And I'm apologizing publicly because I want everyone to know I was wrong for responding the way I did.)