Feeling hateful today...

[Stacyspy]

I need to do something to stop feeling like this... Since I can't post anything on Facebook, because the object of my wrath is on there...lol...
I have allowed DH's ex wife to throw my whole world into chaos. I have not even been calm enough to attempt to soap, because I know I wouldn't be able to concentrate. Usually, I can keep it under control. DH and I have been together 5 years, married almost 2 years now, and we have his children. They divorced over 10 years ago, she dropped off the children "for the weekend", about 8 years ago, and wasn't seen or heard from until she found out that we were making wedding plans. Then she took DH to court, and when she couldn't take the children, disappeared again. In the time we've been married, she has asked to see the kids exactly 3 times. And I would have to drive them to her, and pick them up...she lives 2 hours away. Anyway, the last time she saw them was in Sept., and she made all kinds of promises about Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays...blah, blah, blah. All these went by with NO contact from her, not a phone call, nothing. But she posted all over FB about how great life was the the kids are fabulous...Okay, I could still keep it under control.
Fast forward to yesterday... She had the NERVE to send us an invitation to her youngest son's birthday party(this coming Saturday) !!! Her daughter's 11th birthday was Friday, and she couldn't even be bothered to call!!! AND she messaged me on FB this morning, to ask me when Id' be bringing the kids to the party!
Unbelievable! I can't answer her, the hatefulness would spew, and I would not be able to stop it.
Sorry for ranting, but I needed to get it out without causing any damage to the kids, and I know you guys (hopefully...lol) won't judge me too harshly.

 

[nikkisessence]

No judgement! Life is life and full of toxic people and situations. This lady sounds as though she has some serious problems and your children are better off with you as their Mom. I guess after all I have gone through in the past couple of years I would say run away like the fires of hell are behind you and dont look back . I will pray that you find your way to peace and that you will continue to be the strength you have been for your family. Sending love to you

 

[earlene]

Stacyspy, I feel for you, but even more so for your children. Believe me, the kids know what is going on and it will impact them the rest of their lives. Your concern has to be for them and protecting them from the toxicity that she is bringing into their lives. And to support and help your husband as their father to do the same. They do have a right to know their mother, however inadequate she may be, but they also have the right to be protected from the mental harm that this type of behavior can do them. It is a fine line and a difficult one to know where to draw.

My two sons went through the same thing with their father when they were growing up. I did as well as I could to keep a civil tongue in my head and not say anything to color their opinion negatively of their dad. But no matter what I did or how much I tried to keep my feelings out of it, they learned to distrust their father because he broke so many promises and cancelled so many visits and generally failed them in so many ways when they were young. My sons were 3 & 5 when he left and the youngest was more forgiving for a longer period of time. The elder one saw more clearly what was what and rejected his dad much sooner. He began refusing to even go on weekend visits because of all the broken promises and whatever else was going on. (Ex remarried & had 2 daughters with new wife and new wife was not very kind to eldest son because he had medical issues that made carrying for him a bit more difficult.) Younger son would want to be fogiving, but then have his heart broken time and time again. Ex. would say he was going to buy them a horse. Ex would say he was going to take them to Hawaii. Ex would say all kinds of 'never going to happen' kinds of things and when none of those things happened, they would be disallusioned all over again. It broke my heart for them so many times, I was actually glad when eldest son refused to have anything to do with his dad.

Eventually, their dad stopped trying, or maybe his new wife stopped him from trying. I don't really know. But it has haunted them both into middle age. They are both in their mid 40's now and barely bother to call him on his birthday, and usually only if I remind them that it is his birthday, which I did every year until last year. A couple of years ago he even asked to speak with me because my youngest told him I was the one who reminded him to call his dad on his birthday, and he thanked me.

They do stay in touch with their sisters, and I hear about it a little bit sometimes. But their relationships with their sisters are not anywhere near as close as they could be if they had been able to have a good relationship with their father. It is very sad, but it is what it is and nothing can change what has already transpired.

I wish you peace and a clear head in this matter. It is a difficult situation to say the least. For you, peace of mind, levelheadedness and love will go a long way to being the best mother and wife you can be in this circumstance. It is a difficult one, but I hope the best for you and your family.

 

[dixiedragon]

Ugh, what a piece of human garbage. Being a stepmom is a demanding and often thankless task. It's good for you to be a source of strength and support to your DH and your step kids, but also make sure YOU are getting the support you need.

 

[Seawolfe]

No judgement here - shes crazy and its hard to avoid the crazy. Just keep your eye on protecting the kids from her lunacy as best you can, and vent here (or in safe places) all you like. I would also block her on Facebook to avoid all that, but that's just me - I dislike Facebook.

 

[KristaY]

No judgement here either! Being a step parent is such a difficult job, especially when one of the biological parents is such a mess. Venting here is a great idea so keep it coming when you need to get it off your chest.

My DH was a child of this type of situation. His parents divorced when he was 9, his sibs younger. His dad would blow into town once or twice a year, toss out fists full of cash or expensive gifts, take them for rides to fun places in his fancy car, etc, then blow out again. When DH was an adult he learned his dad had never paid a penny in child support or helped out in any way with daily needs (food, housing, clothing, etc). His mom never said a word about it. He now looks back and knows exactly who loved him and cared for him every single day, and exactly who didn't.

So be comforted in knowing your step kids will also feel who loves and cares for them everyday. By holding your tongue about their mom when they're in listening distance, you're cementing your relationship with them. They'll grow up knowing exactly who loves them every single day, and who doesn't.

 

[kchaystack]

I have all the empathy in the world for you.

My youngest brother has always had a taste for complete psychos - thank the gods his wife now is the exception. His first wife - who my mother only refers to as that woman - left him and their daughter with no notice. He had taken my niece to his in laws house for thanksgiving, his wife had said she had to finish some inventory where she worked. The baby was about 18 months. He has his arms in a raw turkey, getting it ready for the roasting pan, when she called and told him that she could not 'do this' any more and she was leaving, then hung up.

My brother quickly apologized to his inlaws (that woman's parents) and packed up my niece for the trip home - about an hour drive.

All of his wife's stuff was gone when he got there.

About a year later, he was getting his divorce finalized so he could marry his current wife, and his ex decides she wants visitation - even tho she had not really been interested in her daughter since she left. He does not fight it, because he was scared if it went to court she might want custody, and in Texas it is hard to get the courts to deny the mother custody unless there is very hard evidence of abuse.

The stories of what my niece has to put up with when she is over at her mothers is just maddening. No physical abuse, but petty things. Her mother won't take her to practice or school events when she is over there. She won't let her use the shampoos and soaps that help keep her acne in check. She can't use her phone unless her mother is there to monitor her.

So I really know how you must feel - I hope you can come up with some way to make the situation better.

 

[SunWolf]

Absolutely NO judgement here...Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. :cry:

Hang in there darling, if the kids haven't figured it out already, they will see it as they grow up. Our two boys were 7 and 9 years old when they got caught up in the middle of their mothers drama. She divorced him, but when dad met me 6 months later, she told them I had "stolen" their dad away from her...:wtf: They figured it out real fast. Unfortunately, 18 years later, they still hate her for the drama...

 

[TBandCW]

So glad you let it all out here! You've got support. Your priorities are in order.
The kids are VERY lucky to have you!

 

[lsg]

We went through a similar situation with our grandson. Really, trying to reason with a manipulative person does no good. I would send the invitations back with the reply, "None of the family will be attending."

 

[grassyriver]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

We have a similar situation with my DHs ex. We are raising my stepdaughter and her mother magically appears maybe once a year with a smattering of phone calls here and there. It has been very hard on my stepdaughter who is 12 now and really starting to be bothered by this.

I don't have any advice, but you are not alone! I hope things get better for you and your family.

 

[IrishLass]

Ugh! I really feel for you. My own situation is a little different than yours, but I know only too well what it's like to grow up with an extremely toxic and insanely manipulative parent. It's truly a miracle that me and my 2 siblings turned out as well as we did in spite of the craziness. Thankfully, personal computers, let alone Facebook hadn't been invented yet at the time, or it would've been so much worse.

How does your hubby feel about the situation?


IrishLass

 

[shunt2011]

So very sorry. Hang in there. I'm another one who's been there and done that. Usually the kids figure it out.

 

[LisaAnne]

I'm sorry, very difficult situation you are in.

 

[houseofwool]

I'm sorry. My ex husband is a half assed parent. I completely get your frustration. I spend a lot of my time saying something to the effect of, "I am not sure why your dad made that choice. You will need to ask him about that."

It sucks. Even my 7 year old is catching on to the fact that her dad makes poor choices.

 

[Neve]

What kind of mother just walks away from her kids. I seriously don't understand that.