Possible description for Etsy?

[MelissaG]

I've decided I'm going to try Etsy and see what happens. I'm putting my best selling Coconut Cream Bath Bomb up first and I want to see what you think of this description. Critiques welcome. Does it make you interested?

"Introducing my handmade coconut cream bath bomb for kids with buttermilk and safflower oil. This luxurious bath bomb is carefully crafted to provide your little ones with a soothing and relaxing bath experience like no other. Made with only the finest ingredients, this bath bomb is sure to leave your child's skin feeling soft, smooth, and nourished with a side of fun.

This coconut cream bath bomb is carefully handmade and is completely safe for kids of all ages. It contains no harmful chemicals or preservatives. Plus, its delicious sweet coconut scent is sure to be a hit with even the pickiest of kids.

So why not treat your little one to a luxurious bath experience with this handmade coconut cream bath bomb? It's the perfect way to soothe and pamper your child's skin, while also giving them the chance to relax and unwind in a luxurious soak enriched with the aroma of sweet coconut cream and a cocoa butter topping. With sprinkles and bubbles! Remember, fun isn't just for kids."

 

[artemis]

I am writing this as a person who actually shops at Etsy. I will also preface this by saying that I am the kind of person who uses the "jump to recipe" button on food sites. If I have to wade through too much text to find what I want to know, I am moving on.

You lost me after the first paragraph. I might be weird, but I just want the important bits, worded nicely. As a parent, I would be drawn more my the soothing, relaxing, fun language and less by the luxury.

I think yours would work better on a website, where you have more space visually. I also think that you may want to create a simple description that you can use as a template for all of your bath bombs or you're going to have this problem with each product you add.

I attempted an edit. I took out anything that was a repeat of what came before, as well as paring down the luxury language. I also got rid of the questions and some of the passive tone. "Sure to be a hit" to a more confident, "it's a hit..."

This is all subjective, of course, but short and sweet is always going to grab me better.

"Treat your little one to a fun and relaxing bath experience. Carefully handmade with coconut cream, buttermilk, and safflower oil, this bath bomb is sure to leave your child's skin feeling soft, smooth, and nourished with a side of sprinkles and lots of bubbles.

Safe for kids of all ages. It contains no harmful chemicals or preservatives. The sweet coconut scent is a hit with even the pickiest of kids."

 

[MelissaG]

I am writing this as a person who actually shops at Etsy. I will also preface this by saying that I am the kind of person who uses the "jump to recipe" button on food sites. If I have to wade through too much text to find what I want to know, I am moving on.

You lost me after the first paragraph. I might be weird, but I just want the important bits, worded nicely. As a parent, I would be drawn more my the soothing, relaxing, fun language and less by the luxury.

I think yours would work better on a website, where you have more space visually. I also think that you may want to create a simple description that you can use as a template for all of your bath bombs or you're going to have this problem with each product you add.

I attempted an edit. I took out anything that was a repeat of what came before, as well as paring down the luxury language. I also got rid of the questions and some of the passive tone. "Sure to be a hit" to a more confident, "it's a hit..."

This is all subjective, of course, but short and sweet is always going to grab me better.

"Treat your little one to a fun and relaxing bath experience. Carefully handmade with coconut cream, buttermilk, and safflower oil, this bath bomb is sure to leave your child's skin feeling soft, smooth, and nourished with a side of sprinkles and lots of bubbles.

Safe for kids of all ages. It contains no harmful chemicals or preservatives. The sweet coconut scent is a hit with even the pickiest of kids."

Much appreciated.

 

[dibbles]

@MelissaG, you have been open about your difficulties with writing product descriptions. So, I first want to say that what you wrote is fine and you can do this But. I have to agree with Artemis. I am exactly the same kind of etsy shopper/jump to the recipe reader. I will take more time with a piece of art or pottery or baby blanket - that kind of thing. But a soap? A bath bomb? I don't think so, especially since there are so many listed. Shorter and sweeter is the way to go I think.

I don't know how etsy works from a seller's perspective, but do you think having only one item is a good idea? Maybe also list a couple of bath bombs for adults as well. If I went to a seller's store to see what else they had available and found nothing - I'm not really sure what I would think. Mother's Day is approaching - could be someone looking for gift ideas. And when moms get to a certain age, we kind of don't really need more 'stuff'. Something thoughtful, but consumable, is appreciated.

 

[artemis]

I don't know how etsy works from a seller's perspective, but do you think having only one item is a good idea?

I was thinking the same thing. If I find a listing I like, I always go to the shop page to look for more. Psychologically, I have more confidence in a seller that has more there. It suggests that the seller has more experience.

And, you have to check out separately for each seller in your cart, which drives me to look for more items at the same shop.

 

[MelissaG]

@MelissaG, you have been open about your difficulties with writing product descriptions. So, I first want to say that what you wrote is fine and you can do this But. I have to agree with Artemis. I am exactly the same kind of etsy shopper/jump to the recipe reader. I will take more time with a piece of art or pottery or baby blanket - that kind of thing. But a soap? A bath bomb? I don't think so, especially since there are so many listed. Shorter and sweeter is the way to go I think.

I don't know how etsy works from a seller's perspective, but do you think having only one item is a good idea? Maybe also list a couple of bath bombs for adults as well. If I went to a seller's store to see what else they had available and found nothing - I'm not really sure what I would think. Mother's Day is approaching - could be someone looking for gift ideas. And when moms get to a certain age, we kind of don't really need more 'stuff'. Something thoughtful, but consumable, is appreciated.

No, I'll add more. One thing at a time. I actually have six more waiting but haven't done them yet. This time I'm doing it myself so I'm very unsure of what I'm doing. I've changed the wording to this one like Artemis suggested.

 

[MellonFriend]

I've decided I'm going to try Etsy and see what happens. I'm putting my best selling Coconut Cream Bath Bomb up first and I want to see what you think of this description. Critiques welcome. Does it make you interested?

"Introducing my handmade coconut cream bath bomb for kids with buttermilk and safflower oil. This luxurious bath bomb is carefully crafted to provide your little ones with a soothing and relaxing bath experience like no other. Made with only the finest ingredients, this bath bomb is sure to leave your child's skin feeling soft, smooth, and nourished with a side of fun.

This coconut cream bath bomb is carefully handmade and is completely safe for kids of all ages. It contains no harmful chemicals or preservatives. Plus, its delicious sweet coconut scent is sure to be a hit with even the pickiest of kids.

So why not treat your little one to a luxurious bath experience with this handmade coconut cream bath bomb? It's the perfect way to soothe and pamper your child's skin, while also giving them the chance to relax and unwind in a luxurious soak enriched with the aroma of sweet coconut cream and a cocoa butter topping. With sprinkles and bubbles! Remember, fun isn't just for kids."

On description alone, I want to buy one! I do agree that it should probably be cut down, but overall, the writing is really quite good! In my opinion, with some minor tweaking to what you have there, you could just cut out that first paragraph and include an ingredients list, and I think you'd be good to go.

 

[MelissaG]

On description alone, I want to buy one! I do agree that it should probably be cut down, but overall, the writing is really quite good! In my opinion, with some minor tweaking to what you have there, you could just cut out that first paragraph and include an ingredients list, and I think you'd be good to go.

Well, this is what it looks like. I'm honestly not sure how this will go or if it looks ok. My business name is Silver Branch Soapworks but given that Etsy doesn't allow me enough digits to put the full name in, I've been debating using another name for this Etsy store. I'm not sure on whether that would legally be ok though. I'd just claim it all under my normal business name.

I have a bunch of other ones I want to add. Like the easter egg banana ones. I also have strawberries and cream banana. My duckie Hawaiian Punch. Watermelon.

Today, I started with 12 Coconut creams and I'm down to 1 so I have to make more. The bath bombs sell better than anything. I'd love to make enough money to get an airbrush so I'm not painting them anymore by hand. My Mardi Gras Peach Bellini ones I had to make more 3 times and had one special order of them.

So yeah, my bath bombs do well.

 

[AliOop]

Way to go! If you want to use a shortened version of the legal corp name, look into a filing for a fictitious business name, also known as a dba. They are usually pretty inexpensive to set up in your principal place of business, which is typically your local county (parish in LA?) recorder's office. Once you have filed that, you can use the DBA anywhere, including Etsy.

 

[MelissaG]

Way to go! If you want to use a shortened version of the legal corp name, look into a filing for a fictitious business name, also known as a dba. They are usually pretty inexpensive to set up in your principal place of business, which is typically your local county (parish in LA?) recorder's office. Once you have filed that, you can use the DBA anywhere, including Etsy.

Thought of that. Pity this is a DBA. When I first opened my business, I chose to make my name the parent company. That way I could have as many DBA's under it as I want. Both are unincorporated on advice of my accountant. I don't make enough to justice the higher cost for an LLC, S-Corp, C-Corp, etc. The taxes I file are under my DBA.