Mom's long journey

[Prysm]

Condolences.

 

[justjacqui]

Sorry for your loss.

 

[Zany_in_CO]

EDTA: I just discovered in the end mom and my stepdad more than took care of us as we took care of them. Sadly this will most likely cause a huge rift between my sister and me. I am a coward and left this to my attorney to tell her.

Oh my. Smart move considering the circumstances and the stress you are under. You're NOT a coward. Just make sure she knows your door is always open to her. Then hope and pray that, in time, she comes around. She may discover that she does not want to lose you because of this. Good sisters, even when they disagree, are hard to come by!

 

[TheGecko]

I am estranged from my younger sister. It sucks because I love my sisters, but honestly...it's for the best because I don't have to deal with her crap. She's very entitled, she thinks her poop smells like roses and she is very rigid in her thinking...there is no grey, there is only black and white, her black and white.

 

[earlene]

I'm really sorry to hear about your sister, too, @TheGecko. I know this is Carolyn's thread, but I lost a brother last year after a long lasting family estrangement (his, not mine). It was difficult for all of us, but more difficult for the one who was most rigid in his feelings toward the one who died. It has taken him almost a year to come to grips with his feelings and start to let go of some of the huge resentments that went along with those feelings he had for our brother.

I do hope all of us here find a way to be happy and free of trouble in our lives, and I wish the same for all or our family members, endeared and estranged alike. And I hope for no regrets or pain to surround any of us when we lose any of those for whom we care or once cared.

 

[cmzaha]

You are good Earlene I already strayed from my own thread. Sadly, I have no friends left on this side of the grass and no one to talk to about anything and my kids are of course not good to discuss some issues with.

I hate the fact that 1/2 a house will cost us again. I always believed I would have to sell the house my mom evicted my kids from and I am temporarily living in would have to be sold and shared. Nope, it has been left to me plus the other house, my moms, and my sister always wanted. She gets the other house on the hill, which I think mom knew would be sold and mom knew I would not sell her house. I had nothing to do with this since my husband and I have never asked or taken a thing from my parents. That is all on my sister, who is already asking for her inheritance. Sorry too much information.

 

[Daisy]

You are good Earlene I already strayed from my own thread. Sadly, I have no friends left on this side of the grass and no one to talk to about anything and my kids are of course not good to discuss some issues with.

I hate the fact that 1/2 a house will cost us again. I always believed I would have to sell the house my mom evicted my kids from and I am temporarily living in would have to be sold and shared. Nope, it has been left to me plus the other house, my moms, and my sister always wanted. She gets the other house on the hill, which I think mom knew would be sold and mom knew I would not sell her house. I had nothing to do with this since my husband and I have never asked or taken a thing from my parents. That is all on my sister, who is already asking for her inheritance. Sorry too much information.

@cmzaha.....The loss of a Mom tears a huge piece from the heart! In due time, I pray that your heart will mend and all you will have are wonderful memories of your Mom. Allow yourself to mourn so that you can give your spirit healing and peace.

As for the other issues with your sibling, we can never know what happens in someone's life to make them behave the way they behave. As Zany mentioned previously, "keep your doors open". Time is a great physician!
Wish you the very best!

 

[AliOop]

@cmzaha You are not a coward for letting the attorney give her the news - that was actually very wise. You need to conserve your emotions and strength to get through the times ahead. If you don't talk to her, she can't make false allegations about what you said, or didn't say. So, let the attorney shield you as much as possible, while you heal and take care of yourself and your loved ones.

 

[Zany_in_CO]

Sadly, I have no friends left on this side of the grass and no one to talk to about anything and my kids are of course not good to discuss some issues with.

Same here. I know the feeling. At this advanced age, I always imagined I would be sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch with my best friend, my dear hubby or any one of a number of absent friends and watching the world go by, at peace and at ease. Sadly, nothing could be further from the truth.

There's nothing that prepares you for being the last survivor of those that saw you through the best of times and the worst of times. I don't know why they call it the "Golden Age"... it's anything but golden.

 

[soapmaker]

Same here. I know the feeling. At this advanced age, I always imagined I would be sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch with my best friend, my dear hubby or any one of a number of absent friends and watching the world go by, at peace and at ease. Sadly, nothing could be further from the truth.

There's nothing that prepares you for being the last survivor of those that saw you through the best of times and the worst of times. I don't know why they call it the "Golden Age"... it's anything but golden.

A dear old man once told me, "They say the molasses is in the bottom of the cup, but it's not true."
@cmzaha, with all the rest, my heart goes out to you. Talk to us till your heart is empty.

 

[Jersey Girl]

I’m very sorry to hear of your loss @cmzaha Lost my mom one year ago. I miss her terribly and I’m struggling with cleaning out and liquidating her estate. Her home was filled with things that were so dear to her. I don’t have the space to keep much and I have a brother who hasn’t bothered with my parents for 40 years. He moved away and only came back in the last couple days of their life but he wants me to get it done quick so he can enjoy the money. I would love to buy him out and live in her home and slowly part with her possessions as I decide what I want to keep but I can’t afford it. He is rushing me and threatening to get a lawyer if I don’t get it done soon. He said he would’ve had it all cleaned out in a couple weeks with a couple dumpsters. My parents home is filled to the brim with their stuff and much of it it’s not only sentimental for me but also has value. Not an easy task to accomplish coupled with the sadness and emotions. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Zany_in_CO]

He said he would’ve had it all cleaned out in a couple weeks with a couple dumpsters.

Hah-rumpf! I don't know why some siblings take that attitude when you're doing all the work! It isn't easy even in the best of circumstances. If he's not willing to show up and give you a hand then he should accept the fact that you're doing the best you can and he should be grateful for you for taking on what is an overwhelming task.

On the other hand, you might think about hiring an Estate Liquidator. They take a % of the profit so you don't need to worry about cost. They go over each and every item with you to help you decide what is worth keeping and what should go. They research the best prices for unique items or the going rate for less desirable items like holiday decorations that are the mainstay of most garage sales. They also have contacts to clear out what's left.

Give yourself a hug today! Just for the fun of it! Then give your troubles over to the Universe.
It's amazing what "they" can do if you just ask...

 

[TheGecko]

Same here. I know the feeling. At this advanced age, I always imagined I would be sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch with my best friend, my dear hubby or any one of a number of absent friends and watching the world go by, at peace and at ease. Sadly, nothing could be further from the truth.

I'll be 61 in a couple of weeks...life is NOT what I had imagined it to be at this age either. I'm estranged from my youngest sister. Both of my parents are gone...Mom 20 years, Dad 17. Never thought I would get divorced. And when I did, figured I'd probably remarry in five years; took three engagements and twenty years. Had planned to retire and travel the country in an RV like my grandparents did, but that's not going to happen; hubby had a bad reaction to radiation therapy and is disabled to the extent that he wouldn't be able to drive, wouldn't be able to help set up/tear down and can only do short trips and limited activities. Thought that with four kids I would have a passel of grandkids...I have three. But I'm totally cool with that since they are the ones that have to raise them so it's up to them.

While things haven't turned out the way I thought, they have turned out the way they were meant to be. Hubby is a PITA at times, but I love him dearly because he allows me to be me. He's supportive of my knitting and of my soap making and while he is not allowed to cook my steak, he does well in the kitchen. I have a job that I absolutely love and a fantastic boss (who says I'm not allowed to retire). I have three PITA cats. I have a nice car, live in a low-crime area, have a good relationship with my kids, adorable grandkids and I get to go on a knitting retreat every year.

 

[cmzaha]

I’m very sorry to hear of your loss @cmzaha Lost my mom one year ago. I miss her terribly and I’m struggling with cleaning out and liquidating her estate. Her home was filled with things that were so dear to her. I don’t have the space to keep much and I have a brother who hasn’t bothered with my parents for 40 years. He moved away and only came back in the last couple days of their life but he wants me to get it done quick so he can enjoy the money. I would love to buy him out and live in her home and slowly part with her possessions as I decide what I want to keep but I can’t afford it. He is rushing me and threatening to get a lawyer if I don’t get it done soon. He said he would’ve had it all cleaned out in a couple weeks with a couple dumpsters. My parents home is filled to the brim with their stuff and much of it it’s not only sentimental for me but also has value. Not an easy task to accomplish coupled with the sadness and emotions. My heart goes out to you.

That part is hard. Like my mother I am not sentimental about things, they are just things. I had to start cleaning out her house when we moved her to a care facility to get it ready to rent, which did not actually happen. sadly she did have beautiful furniture in excellent condition but not the style I want and cannot sell it, which I have tried to do for 2 months. I kept the few things I wanted and my sister took what she wanted, which was mainly what she felt would be of value. My memories are in my heart, having lived and worked next to my mother we were very close. Now I can move out of state with a semi-clear conscience. Still going to be hard to leave one daughter and granddaughter here.

 

[Zany_in_CO]

Had planned to retire and travel the country in an RV like my grandparents did, but that's not going to happen; hubby had a bad reaction to radiation therapy and is disabled to the extent that he wouldn't be able to drive, wouldn't be able to help set up/tear down and can only do short trips and limited activities.

Same here... Traveling around the country in an RV to see family & distant friends we hadn't seen in the 44 years we had been married was high on the Bucket List! Unfortunately, that was not to be. DH was more or less incapacitated for 11 years from when he retired at age 76 until he passed away at age 87. He was diagnosed with 4th degree inoperable lung cancer and died 3 weeks later.

It's no wonder that shortly thereafter, I was diagnosed with something called "Adrenal Fatigue Due to Chronic Stress". I have survived 2 heart attacks and 1 stroke. He died in November 2018. My bad luck that COVID Lock Down came 5 months later in March, 2019. I have been isolated since then. Alone and incredibly lonely.

As @cmzaha mentioned, "I have no friends left on this side of the grass and no one to talk to about anything" -- since my 7 adult children and step-children all have busy lives and no time for me. The stepson I was closest to, died of kidney failure 2 years after his father's death.

As often happens in large families when you ask a question like "Who forgot to take out the trash?" They all say "Not me!!!" and pass the responsibility onto another -- and you end up taking out the trash yourself.

There are no words to express how deeply they all are missed.

 

[cmzaha]

Same here... Traveling around the country in an RV to see family & distant friends we hadn't seen in the 44 years we had been married was high on the Bucket List! Unfortunately, that was not to be. DH was more or less incapacitated for 11 years from when he retired at age 76 until he passed away at age 87. He was diagnosed with 4th degree inoperable lung cancer and died 3 weeks later.

It's no wonder that shortly thereafter, I was diagnosed with something called "Adrenal Fatigue Due to Chronic Stress". I have survived 2 heart attacks and 1 stroke. He died in November 2018. My bad luck that COVID Lock Down came 5 months later in March, 2019. I have been isolated since then. Alone and incredibly lonely.

As @cmzaha mentioned, "I have no friends left on this side of the grass and no one to talk to about anything" -- since my 7 adult children and step-children all have busy lives and no time for me. The stepson I was closest to, died of kidney failure 2 years after his father's death.

As often happens in large families when you ask a question like "Who forgot to take out the trash?" They all say "Not me!!!" and pass the responsibility onto another -- and you end up taking out the trash yourself.

There are no words to express how deeply they all are missed.

I saw this happen so often to my customers. They would wait for retirement and have so many plans and booms to lose their spouse. I have been so blessed to have my husband 50 yrs as of this month and still going. We were also so fortunate to have the opportunities to pretty much do what we wanted and travel. We were never rich but had a good life, with lots of fights and lots of love. I think

One child has alcohol struggles that I wish I could fix but cannot. Ironically is the one with absolutely no financial issues. My other child is the other one that is constantly fighting to get out of debt and requires a lot of help. Moving from my oldest is the one that scares me, but I know I cannot help her, and she has to solve this herself. I am fortunate to be close to my girls.

Zany I think the train that runs through Winnemucca continues to Colorado. Maybe I hop on the train and visit you.

 

[TheGecko]

Same here... Traveling around the country in an RV to see family & distant friends we hadn't seen in the 44 years we had been married was high on the Bucket List! Unfortunately, that was not to be. DH was more or less incapacitated for 11 years from when he retired at age 76 until he passed away at age 87. He was diagnosed with 4th degree inoperable lung cancer and died 3 weeks later.

It's no wonder that shortly thereafter, I was diagnosed with something called "Adrenal Fatigue Due to Chronic Stress". I have survived 2 heart attacks and 1 stroke. He died in November 2018. My bad luck that COVID Lock Down came 5 months later in March, 2019. I have been isolated since then. Alone and incredibly lonely.

As @cmzaha mentioned, "I have no friends left on this side of the grass and no one to talk to about anything" -- since my 7 adult children and step-children all have busy lives and no time for me. The stepson I was closest to, died of kidney failure 2 years after his father's death.

As often happens in large families when you ask a question like "Who forgot to take out the trash?" They all say "Not me!!!" and pass the responsibility onto another -- and you end up taking out the trash yourself.

There are no words to express how deeply they all are missed.

Ah hon! Massive bear hugs from me to you.

People don't realize just how important human contact is. I had someone trying telling me once that folks didn't need face-to-face contact anymore because we had texting and social media.

I've always been a bit...self-contained. Growing up on a farm, being poor, you learn to make do, to entertain yourself. I won't say that I have never felt 'alone' or be 'lonely' because I have, but there is also a big difference to being alone my choice, and having it forced upon you. There were times when I felt very alone and lonely when I was my father's caregiver. It helped tremendously to find an online support group, but it wasn't quite the same. I never felt alone or lonely the entire time I lived in North Dakota. I had my cat, I had my Kindle, I had my crocheting, I got DVDs in the mail from Blockbuster and I made the four-hour trip once a month to go grocery shopping...I was content. But again, that was my choice.

While I'm not 'alone' per se as I am married, but hubby and I can go days without conversating. And my youngest adult child lives with us, but we don't see much of her...she's either working graveyard or she's in her room doing her gaming thing. Hubby, for all his disability, has a more active social life than I do and I'm okay with that. I do have a Knitting Retreat coming up the end of next month...it's a once a year thing. I almost canceled because I just found out there is going to be twice as many people this year, but it is the one thing that I allow myself to be completely selfish about and it's what make dealing with all the other crap in my life bearable.

EDTA: I just discovered in the end mom and my stepdad more than took care of us as we took care of them. Sadly this will most likely cause a huge rift between my sister and me. I am a coward and left this to my attorney to tell her.

You're not being a coward, you're being incredible smart. You are not only protecting yourself legally, but you're protecting yourself emotionally and physically (our emotional well-being affects our physical self) from your sister's abuse. You're sister sounds similar to mine. She didn't want Mom's wedding rings for herself, she wanted them because she knew that I wanted them. If she had known that I wanted Mom's jewelry box, she would have kept that too, but as far as she was concerned, she was letting me have a piece of junk. She tried to take the porcelain dog that I had given to Mom one Christmas, but then she and older sister would have had to split everything they had taken by saying that they had given it to Mom. And the only reason why I got Mom's Cross Stitch stuff was because neither sister wanted it. The simple fact is...your sister may not want that million dollar house, but had it gone to you, you can bet dollars to donuts that she'd be fighting for it.

 

[Ladka]

The simple fact is...your sister may not want that million dollar house, but had it gone to you, you can bet dollars to donuts that she'd be fighting for it.

I was surprised in a way by my sister's decisions regarding things Mum left. One of my daughters said she would use Mum's washing machine and my sister agreed. Then my daughter changed her mind and when my sister heard it she literally said: "If I knew it would go to her (that is I) I would not agree to it." And she would not want to say a final word regarding Mum's 100 years old sewing machine on which I learned to sew (and she newer used or ever learned to sew) until she finally realized she had no room to place it in and finally consented I could take it.
What drives such persons remains a mystery to me.

 

[Zany_in_CO]

What drives such persons remains a mystery to me.

Me too!

SHORT STORY:
We were married in August 1974. Second time for both of us. I was divorced with 2 little ones, 9 & 7. He was a widower with 5 teenagers, girls aged 19, 17, 15 and twin boys age 13. I moved from a townhouse into their 2-story contemporary home that was partially furnished with antiques. I'm NOT a fan of antiques. They went to the basement when I moved in with classic contemporary furniture for the living room, dining room, and bedrooms.

Together, we purchased a Danish leather set for the family room: couch, loveseat, 2 recliners with ottomans. DH, the Architect, designed 4 formica cubes to strategically place between all the other pieces so whoever was sitting wherever, they had a place to set a glass or a snack.

We replaced the rickety old kitchen drop-leaf table & antique side chairs with a white & chrome formica table that seated 12 when the two leaves that were stored inside the table were added. Classic Breuer dining chairs completed the look.

When the eldest daughter came home from college that Christmas, we chose a piece of their mother's good jewelry to give to each of the 5 teenagers. Then we allowed them to help themselves to whatever other pieces they liked.

On another day, we headed to the basement. We told the kids to take whatever they wanted or put their name on it if they wanted us to store it for them until they were on their own. The 17-year-old daughter, with a gleam in her eyes, said she would "take all if nobody else wanted it." We laughed and said, "That's not going to happen." She made a face, but was satisfied with a pair of ornate boudoir chairs, upholstered in purple velvet.

After the holidays, we invited an antique appraiser over. He took notes and mailed us the appraisal. He bought a lot of it, we kept a few things and sold the rest through the classifieds. The sale paid for all the new furniture we had purchased.

Forty-four years later, when their father died in November 2018, there were few things of value left to disperse among the kids. Mostly jewelry, rings, watches, family pictures, and various things that were handed down from their grandfather. No squabbling at all.

Moral of the story: Get rid of the good stuff before you die.

 

[psfred]

So sorry to hear of you loss Carolyn. And I understand exactly what you are going through, my sister is a great pain in the sitting part (probably has Borderline Personality Disorder) and has been difficult since my Mom started needing home care.

My Mom passed away in Dec of 2021 at the age of 97 after having CoVid, and while I was expecting it, it was really sad. Miss her terribly as I've been living with her for the last 30 years.

It will get easier.